8/6/2019 (5am)

For the past 2 nights I have slept maybe 4 hours. I am so manic right now. It really makes me reckless. This new medication has made my insomnia worse. I’ve been doing everything I am supposed to. Eating healthy, exercising, taking my medication correctly. Now I have to go to work and remember not to talk super fast, and not to say anything that is damaging to my chances of having my contract renewed in March. I can really tell a difference with my racing thoughts but I’ve still been having those racing thoughts. My future is on the line right now. This is my last chance to break into my field of study. I know life isn’t fair but it’s just not right to have to experience things like this when you do everything you are supposed to. My irritability is under control for the most part I think. I don’t feel so angry but I am thinking so fast, talking so much, dreaming the impossible…. Just very hyper. Life really is hard for me. It makes me want to cry sometimes. I’m so scared….

#mentalhealth

8/4/2019 (9:50pm)

My goal isn’t to make people feel sorry for us, it’s meant to give you insight on what it’s like to walk in our shoes. So maybe the next time you meet a ‘crazy’ person you will be less judgemental. We are not crazy, our brain just doesn’t work like yours. You have no idea what it’s like to walk in someone’s shoes that has a mental illness. You know how if you are deaf you live in a whole different world than someone who can hear? Well it works the same way for us. It’s the worse feeling to be called crazy. We cannot control what are brains think. We cannot snap out of it. All we can do is push forward and hope we make it through the cycle alive and without causing too much damage.

Bipolar has stole a lot from me. I realize I just kind of gave up at times and let it take from me, but I am not going to try not to do that anymore. You have to keep going and not give up. A lot of people who struggle with mental illness self medicate with Drugs and alcohol. I use to do the same think. In that moment getting high really numbs you from your racing thoughts, depression, and when you feel like climbing out of your body and floating around the world. But Drugs and alcohol are not the answer. Yes, it feels really good and it feels like the answer when your high, but you can’t stay high forever. It only makes your cycling roller coaster 100x worse. Mania might feel good but the depression that hits afterwards could kill you. So many people with mental illness have committed suicide during their depressive state. I was almost one of those people one time. I told someone And they saved my life. I cannot tell anyone how to live their life but it is really possible to learn how to fight against bipolar. I haven’t fully figured it out but I’ve came really far. Progress is everything with this disease. And for the ones who have their illness under control and don’t let it drive their life. Cheers to you. You are Sooo very amazing!

I stopped posting bc I realized no one was reading my stuff. It’s really not surprising that no one wants to read my journal. I plan on putting more medical information about bipolar. It will be sometime this week. I’m going to be super busy. I just picked up a 2nd job… No free time for me.

Life has been rocky since I posted last time. I still think lithium is driving me crazy. It works wonderfully for a lot of people but not for me. Doc put me on Abilify too. So far I can tell a difference but it’s still hard to keep up with my moods. My bipolar has really changed since my last pychosis. I am having to learn it’s behavior all over again.

Introduce Yourself

I have a B.S. in Mechanical Engineering and I have a severe case of bipolar 1 and have been fighting for 9 years now. I know that I will eventually win the battle… I am writing this blog in attempt to reach someone else like me and inspire them to never give up. I know that their is a lot of successful people with bipolar disorder Who have it under control… But there is also a lot that does not. These posts are a way for me to describe the life of someone who lives with bipolar, to document my progress, to bring awareness, to let someone know that they are no alone, and just something I do for therapy.

About me

My parents divorced when I was 2 years old and I moved in with my grandparents.  My grandparents raised me until my dad re-married when I was 10.  It was very traumatic for me when I had to move in with my dad and leave my grandparents.  My dad and mom both have a severe case of bi-polar and neither one of them is on medication… this caused a really rough childhood emotionally.  I was neglected by my step mom, verbally & mentally abused by my dad, and was taken away from both of my moms. Everyone has their own story… Mine just isn’t as bad as some people’s. I later moved with my aunt when I was 15 because I lost my virginity and my dad flipped out. I went to bed home sick every night when I lived with my dad so I finally felt at home when I moved in with my aunt because she lived right beside my granny.

I was a little wild in high school.  Experimenting with drugs and alcohol, skipping school, smoking cigarettes, and doing just about anything you weren’t supposed to do.  That all changed when I went to college.  I turned 180 degrees and turned into a completely different person.  I stopped drinking and experimenting with drugs. 

I had my first psychosis in 2010.  I was prescribed Cymbalta and it caused me to go manic and that resulted in a psychotic break.  I’ve had two since 2010 because I quit taking my medication on two different occasions.  My last psychosis was in 2018.  Once I came back to reality I sunk into a deep depression for 8 months straight.  I’ve never experienced anything like that before. I feel so bad for the people who live with that type of depression every day.  I was suicidal at one point during those 8 months and was admitted back into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I’m doing a lot better now.  I have a great job and I am finally really serious about my mental health. Diet, exercise, and medication is key.

Bipolar has stolen a lot from me but mainly because I let it.  It has stolen intimate relationships, love, and happiness.  It has caused me to make some really big mistakes in my life but I try not to let my past hold me back.  I want to be the best person I can be.  I might fall down sometimes but I get back on my feet stronger than I was before. 

I call myself JI Jane because I like to think of myself as a bipolar warrior because I refuse to lose this battle against bi-polar.  Although I know this battle will continue for the rest of my life… I try very hard to do my part so I can have some kind of control.  I can never control the cycles but I can control what I do when I am depressed or manic and what I do to minimize the frequency of my cycles. 

I have a lot of areas that I need to work on but Rome wasn’t built in a day.  I’m just taking it day by day.

This online journal is a way I can track my progress and it is a way to give someone insight on what it’s like to live with bi-polar disorder. I am actually doing very well at the moment.  I found the right medication… it only took 9 years but I found it.  I was going crazy for about 3 years when I was on the wrong medication.  I discontinued that about 6 weeks ago. 

 

7/31/2019 (10am)

Today is a bad day. Right now I am thinking one of my co-workers is out to get me. Meaning letting me fail and doing things that purposely piss me off. She knows everything about me. I just opened up to her and told her way too much. That’s one thing I should know better by now. If the wrong person finds out about my mental illness, I will be fired. I have got irritated with everyone I work with… This medication isn’t working. My bipolar had gotten so much worse since my last psychotic break in 2018. I honestly think she is out to get me and it makes me hate her. I cannot stop myself from feeling this way. Every little thing she does I think it’s directed towards me. 1/2 of me knows it probably isn’t like what I think but the other 1/2 swears up and down that it is. It’s just the crazy side of me that is screaming louder than my normal side. I just want to escape my body. No one understands unless they are living in the same kind of hell I am. Ahhhhh!

7/31/2019 (8:21am)

I went to the doctor yesterday and he upped my dose of lithium and added abilify to the mix. I have been taking lithium for almost three years. Minus the 5 months I stopped taking any medication and ended up going into a pychosis. I will never do that again.

The symptoms I was experiencing from lithium is why I stopped taking it. It literally made me crazy. I would lay in the floor curled up just rocking bc my racing thoughts were so bad. I thought GOD was trying to talk to me. I thought I met my twin flame and text him all day everyday and he never responded. He blocked me 7 times and I still found ways to message him. I was constantly in my head. I went through 4 jobs in a year. I tried to rescue a abused and neglected dog that was on my property and was charged with misdemeanor larceny. The dog lived next door and I called the humane society on these people over 5 times. I witnessed one of their dogs die on a chain. Moaning in pain for over 24 hours. I offered to have him put to sleep but no… Anyway it was still a dumb choice on my part to risk my career saving a dog. I loved him and found an awesome rescue in Maryland but got busted.

Anyway… So many bad things happened when I was taking lithium. I can honestly think about it now and see how crazy I really was. I had to take a leave of absence from work bc it got so bad. During that leave I stopped taking my medication bc I thought God was telling me to. Then I went into a pychosis. It lasted for 5 months before it got so bad that my family had the cops come get me and put me in the hospital. Lithium is bad for me. He will not listen to me. Is there anything I can do if he ruins my life with lithium?

This really sucks. I am so stressed, anxious, distracted, irritated, and just so scared. It’s my brain!!!

Doc says you have a severe case of bipolar but it I think it is treatable. Dear God I hope so. I have so much potential… All of us do… I don’t want to get on disability. I just want understanding and approval. It was really hard getting my engineering degree to just let it go down the drain bc of a mental illness.

I deleted all my previous post I noticed no one cared enough to read my posts… But maybe one day…. It will reach another person struggling like me.

My First Blog Post

Lost in My head

This was before I changed medication.

I often look at everyone around me and wonder what it would be like to have their brain instead of mine.

I am 30 years old with a Bachelor’s of Science degree in Engineering. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 when I was hospitalized for the first time in 2010. My life has been nothing but hell ever since. I know that I have poor English and I know that I do not know how to punctuate. This blog is meant to help me document the chaos that goes on in my mind in attempt to find help for myself and provide help for other people. I know that their is a lot of successful people with bipolar disorder that have overcome the battle and took control of their mental illness… But I am not one of them… I have a engineering degree and I am still being controlled by my mental illness. I am an above average attractive woman (so I have been told) and I have been single since I was 17 years old. I have one friend that I barely talk to and I have no life. I rarely watch TV, I do not read (obviously), I have no hobbies, I have no interest, and the only person who understands me is my grandmother. I literally sit around in my free time fully consumed with racing thoughts. I am here but not really here… If that makes any sense. I have tried 20+ types of medications and I am still crippled from living a some what normal life. I am so lost. I am going to document every crazy thing that pops in my head throughout every day. In attempt to give someone insight on what people like me really struggle with. There is so many of us who fight to win the battle everyday and feel like we are all alone. Everyone has their own story and although I’ve experienced traumatic events, I am very fortunate to have what I have. I am not sure if anyone will be interested in my life… But I think it will be fascinating for someone to follow my battle with bipolar and be apart of the obstacles I went through to win the battle. I will win… I’ve been fighting for 9 years and I haven’t given up yet.