So what I was dwelling about has melted away like normal. I’m just trying to stay positive and talk my brain into believing that everything will work out and not to worry. It’s almost like I have two brains sometimes. I literally have debates in my head all the time. I have to talk myself out of thinking the crazy things I think about. It’s crazy how your illness has a mind of its own and unless you are aware of this it completely takes control of your life.
I woke up last night dwelling about how my aunt takes care of her dogs and about what my dad said at the gym about homeschooling my little cousin. Woke up with that sick yo my stumach feeling. Exercise really is medicine for anyone. Medication with no side effects… For bipolar patients it is a life line. My chemical balance has changed significantly over the past two weeks and I can’t help but think it’s due to the lack of exercise. That’s the only thing that has really changed. I am going to try to get back on my schedule.
Today is day 1 of not smoking cigarettes. Shew wee… I don’t even want to think about what I’m going to go through over the next month. I can do it.
Everything I was worrying about at 3am has melted away. Another Sunday has passed that I didn’t go to church. Another Sunday has passed that I still wake up wanting to be closer to God but failing to make the first step.
I am trying to stop worrying about things I can’t change and focusing on doing the best I can do. Life is too short to be stuck in your head worrying about the future. In all reality things always work out so it’s pointless to worry about what ifs.
I know I am going through a depression cycle so I tell myself that it will past. I’ve been doing stuff that has caused it. I smoked pot 3 different times in the past 2 weeks and it has significantly disrupt the balance I had. I’ve also not been exercising like I should be. I am still doing the healthy diet thing and still losing weight but I know I am hurting myself by now exercising. I do not know why I smoked pot. It doesn’t work for me. Some people use it as medication but for me it does more bad than good. I get more paranoid than normal, have racing thoughts, and pace around like I don’t know what I am doing. I’m not really sure why I do something that I don’t even enjoy. It only will make my bipolar worse so why would I do it… It’s crazy how any chemical you put in your body affects your chemical balance in your brain. I don’t even think doctors understand just how much it does.
I know I need medication, I will have a pychotic break if I quit taking it… But I really hate having to take medication. I take 7 pills every night. 4 are vitamins and 1 is a sleeping pill but still. If I ever win the lottery I am going to fund an organization to find a cure for all mental illness. I know one is out there. I just know it.
I have hope.
What depression is like. I’ve woke up twice since I went to bed at 9. The first time I woke up worrying about my 22 year old cousin. Wondering where he was and if he was jealous that his little sister got a new computer for home school.
2nd time I woke up worrying about my dog bc I’m scared his joints will hurt him really bad one day bc of all the jumping he does to get on and off my bed. He is 11. These thoughts will bother me for days.
I also worry about my cousin being homeschooled. I hope she does what she is supposed to do.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog… No one reads them anyway…
I want to start going to church but I don’t even know which church to go to. I think I would rather go to a non demoniation church instead of a Baptist church. I believe in God but it’s so complicated. I want to live my life like he wants me to and spread the good word through my words and actions. I want to become a better person. I really don’t like who I have grown to be or the things I’ve done. I just want a clean slate so I can start over and be better. I understand that going to church is a lot more than becoming a better person… You should also want to learn about God-and I do. I just feel this void in my heart that is calling out for him to save me.
I thought things were going good with my medication but I got severely depressed a few hours ago. I try to tell myself this will pass and to not let myself listen to all the negative thoughts going through my head. It’s very hard though…. I really feel like God is the only person who can save me and I want to be close to him. I think Church is the answer to a lot of my problems.
My little cousin is going to do online homeschooling and I am really going to have to be in charge of all that. I really hope I can handle all this responsibility. Right now- I had a hard time washing my face and brushing my teeth before bed. I was doing great a week ago. What happened?
I hope this don’t last long.
Oh yeah… I forgot to tell you that I was able to catch up on sleep this weekend. I ended up not having to take that 2nd job. There is more to that than I have time to explain right now. I have to wake up at 5am. I like to get at least 7 hours of sleep.
I ordered the first Harry Potter book the other day. Cannot wait to start reading the series. Then on to twilight or whatever. Just trying to exercise my brain with words. To broaden my vocabularly, help with my verbal and written communication skills, and most importantly distract my mind! Ready is a great! Even if you have to start out with a middle school reading level. Lol. No shame in starting at the bottom.
Have a great night everyone.
Oh! I am going to write a blog about my pychosis soon. Follow me.
Today has been a good day. I sat on the porch with my granny and drunk coffee. I love spending time with my granny. She is the only one that truly understands me.
I called my mom (severe bipolar too)… It was about 8:30am and she all but cussed me out. She wonders why I don’t go visit her. It’s very toxic for me to be around my parents sometimes… But I didn’t let that ruin my day.
I went to the grocery and Wal-Mart. Then came home and mowed my yard. I met my dad at the gym and then we went out to eat. He was a little mean a few times (severe bipolar) but I tried to not let it get to me. Neither one of my parents take medication or realize that they need medication. It’s sad for them and for me. My granny isn’t going to be here forever. She is in really bad health anyways. Still not letting any of this ruin my day.
I stopped by granny’s house and sat on the porch with her while I grilled some chicken for the next few days. (I like to follow mind diet but right now I’m trying to lose weight by carb cycling-it works by the way)
Then I ended the night with watching big bang theory with my granny.
Today has been a great day. I really feel good. Time for bed.
The abilify is working greattt. I bought some melatonin to see if it helps me sleep.
Pray that I sleep please.
This is complicated because everyone struggles with their own kind of depression. I am going to speak for people struggling with bipolar 1 or 2. Depression is chronic for those who suffer from Bipolar. No matter what medication you take, you know that it will sneak up and bite you sooner or later. The time between each depressive phase is different for everyone. The length of time your depressive phase last is also different for everyone. You may not be able to completely stop from eventually becoming depressed but you can definitely control how you will handle your depressive phase. You can either do things to make it worse, like drinking alcohol and doings drugs. Or you can do things that make it better, like exercising and finding activities that you can do to get your mind off of all the negative things you are thinking about. You will be surprised, walking 30 minutes every other day is enough to really make you feel good. When I don’t work out I noticed that I am depressed more frequently. I also like following the Mediterranean diet. You don’t have to follow it perfectly but the smallest changes can really help.
You really have to analyze your thoughts and detect it when it starts to come along. If you have to make signs/pictures all around your house to remind yourself that this won’t last forever, then do it. Try to find activities that will distract your mind. Separate yourself from negative vibes. Make small to do list for everyday, and cross the tasks out each time you accomplish one. You will be surprised how good it feels to accomplish what you wanted to in one day while your depressed. Keep a journal and write down all of your thoughts. Talk to a loved one about the bad things you are thinking about. Positive words really make you feel better in addition to talking to someone period. Take notes on all the things that bother you while you are depressed. If you can change anything, make small changes everyday. When you don’t feel like getting out of bed, go take a shower and call a loved one. Just push yourself to get over the initial brutal start of the day. It will get better after that shower. Maybe not much but it will be a little easier. Take a nice walk… Anywhere. Just walk and breathe in the fresh air and clear your head. If you have constant reoccurring bad thoughts all day long, everyday. Seek medical attention right away. This behavior is extremely dangerous to your health. No matter what you are going through just remember it will not last forever. I know self medicating on drugs and alcohol feels great but it will only make things worse. Find a hobbie. Even if it’s putting together puzzles, reading, coloring, working out, fishing… Something. Anything to occupy your mind and help distract you from your reality at the moment. Animals are very good therapy for me, adopt an animal…. Start e-mailing me. I will help you get through it.
After getting about 20 hours or so of sleep last week, I was able to sleep a little over 9 hours last night. Thank the good Lord. I was definitely manic all week. Hopefully this insomnia will get better over time because I love how abilify makes me feel. Things are getting a lot better. Dosing of lithium is really improving my racing thoughts. I am very interested in seeing how well I do off lithium. My mom use to take lamictal and abilify. If it worked for her then there is a huge chance it will work for me. I am soooooo much like my mama. Things are really starting to change. I plan on posting medical information and statistics on mental illness eventually. I have to wait until I get over this viscous cycle. There is no telling if I am going to hit a low. A little worried about that because my mania has been pretty intense, it will be bad to hit a low that is equivalent to my manic high I’ve been experiencing.
I know I suck at blogging but I wanted to give an update on how I’ve been doing. I started taking abilify a week and a half ago. Things seem to be a lot better. My racing thoughts aren’t like they use to be. But I haven’t been sleeping good this week bc one of the side effects is insomnia. So… I’ve been manic all week. Scary. I am going to take some melatonin in addition to ambien tonight. TGIF tomorrow. I know I will be catching up on some sleep. I have so much stuff I want to get done this weekend too. Bipolar is very difficult but it is very manageable if you understand it and know yourself well enough. I analyze myself all the time. This week I have been hyper, very talkative, argumentative, talking super fast, having all of these grand plans that I won’t do, irritable… Wide open y’all. So worried about how my cycle is going to end. Hopefully I won’t be too depressed. I am in the middle of dosing off of lithium also. Don’t ever do that without your doctor’s consent. You could mess your brain up like mine by inducing a pychosis from coming off your medication too fast. And especially don’t ever do it if you have ever had a pychosis. Just talk to your doctor. At this point I wish I never took medication to start with but then I look at my mom and dad who are unmediated and I change my mind real quick. Mainly bc I see what they go through and I feel how they take there bad moods out on everyone that loves them. Medication really has helped with both of those things.