8/24/2019 @ 9:30pm

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog… No one reads them anyway…

I want to start going to church but I don’t even know which church to go to. I think I would rather go to a non demoniation church instead of a Baptist church. I believe in God but it’s so complicated. I want to live my life like he wants me to and spread the good word through my words and actions. I want to become a better person. I really don’t like who I have grown to be or the things I’ve done. I just want a clean slate so I can start over and be better. I understand that going to church is a lot more than becoming a better person… You should also want to learn about God-and I do. I just feel this void in my heart that is calling out for him to save me.

I thought things were going good with my medication but I got severely depressed a few hours ago. I try to tell myself this will pass and to not let myself listen to all the negative thoughts going through my head. It’s very hard though…. I really feel like God is the only person who can save me and I want to be close to him. I think Church is the answer to a lot of my problems.

My little cousin is going to do online homeschooling and I am really going to have to be in charge of all that. I really hope I can handle all this responsibility. Right now- I had a hard time washing my face and brushing my teeth before bed. I was doing great a week ago. What happened?

I hope this don’t last long.

8/11/2019 (2)

Oh yeah… I forgot to tell you that I was able to catch up on sleep this weekend. I ended up not having to take that 2nd job. There is more to that than I have time to explain right now. I have to wake up at 5am. I like to get at least 7 hours of sleep.

I ordered the first Harry Potter book the other day. Cannot wait to start reading the series. Then on to twilight or whatever. Just trying to exercise my brain with words. To broaden my vocabularly, help with my verbal and written communication skills, and most importantly distract my mind! Ready is a great! Even if you have to start out with a middle school reading level. Lol. No shame in starting at the bottom.

Have a great night everyone.

Oh! I am going to write a blog about my pychosis soon. Follow me.

8/11/2019 @ 9:00pm

Today has been a good day. I sat on the porch with my granny and drunk coffee. I love spending time with my granny. She is the only one that truly understands me.

I called my mom (severe bipolar too)… It was about 8:30am and she all but cussed me out. She wonders why I don’t go visit her. It’s very toxic for me to be around my parents sometimes… But I didn’t let that ruin my day.

I went to the grocery and Wal-Mart. Then came home and mowed my yard. I met my dad at the gym and then we went out to eat. He was a little mean a few times (severe bipolar) but I tried to not let it get to me. Neither one of my parents take medication or realize that they need medication. It’s sad for them and for me. My granny isn’t going to be here forever. She is in really bad health anyways. Still not letting any of this ruin my day.

I stopped by granny’s house and sat on the porch with her while I grilled some chicken for the next few days. (I like to follow mind diet but right now I’m trying to lose weight by carb cycling-it works by the way)

Then I ended the night with watching big bang theory with my granny.

Today has been a great day. I really feel good. Time for bed.

The abilify is working greattt. I bought some melatonin to see if it helps me sleep.

Pray that I sleep please.

Thank you.

Sweet dreams.

How to deal with depression…

This is complicated because everyone struggles with their own kind of depression. I am going to speak for people struggling with bipolar 1 or 2. Depression is chronic for those who suffer from Bipolar. No matter what medication you take, you know that it will sneak up and bite you sooner or later. The time between each depressive phase is different for everyone. The length of time your depressive phase last is also different for everyone. You may not be able to completely stop from eventually becoming depressed but you can definitely control how you will handle your depressive phase. You can either do things to make it worse, like drinking alcohol and doings drugs. Or you can do things that make it better, like exercising and finding activities that you can do to get your mind off of all the negative things you are thinking about. You will be surprised, walking 30 minutes every other day is enough to really make you feel good. When I don’t work out I noticed that I am depressed more frequently. I also like following the Mediterranean diet. You don’t have to follow it perfectly but the smallest changes can really help.

You really have to analyze your thoughts and detect it when it starts to come along. If you have to make signs/pictures all around your house to remind yourself that this won’t last forever, then do it. Try to find activities that will distract your mind. Separate yourself from negative vibes. Make small to do list for everyday, and cross the tasks out each time you accomplish one. You will be surprised how good it feels to accomplish what you wanted to in one day while your depressed. Keep a journal and write down all of your thoughts. Talk to a loved one about the bad things you are thinking about. Positive words really make you feel better in addition to talking to someone period. Take notes on all the things that bother you while you are depressed. If you can change anything, make small changes everyday. When you don’t feel like getting out of bed, go take a shower and call a loved one. Just push yourself to get over the initial brutal start of the day. It will get better after that shower. Maybe not much but it will be a little easier. Take a nice walk… Anywhere. Just walk and breathe in the fresh air and clear your head. If you have constant reoccurring bad thoughts all day long, everyday. Seek medical attention right away. This behavior is extremely dangerous to your health. No matter what you are going through just remember it will not last forever. I know self medicating on drugs and alcohol feels great but it will only make things worse. Find a hobbie. Even if it’s putting together puzzles, reading, coloring, working out, fishing… Something. Anything to occupy your mind and help distract you from your reality at the moment. Animals are very good therapy for me, adopt an animal…. Start e-mailing me. I will help you get through it.

8/10/2019 @ 9:02am

After getting about 20 hours or so of sleep last week, I was able to sleep a little over 9 hours last night. Thank the good Lord. I was definitely manic all week. Hopefully this insomnia will get better over time because I love how abilify makes me feel. Things are getting a lot better. Dosing of lithium is really improving my racing thoughts. I am very interested in seeing how well I do off lithium. My mom use to take lamictal and abilify. If it worked for her then there is a huge chance it will work for me. I am soooooo much like my mama. Things are really starting to change. I plan on posting medical information and statistics on mental illness eventually. I have to wait until I get over this viscous cycle. There is no telling if I am going to hit a low. A little worried about that because my mania has been pretty intense, it will be bad to hit a low that is equivalent to my manic high I’ve been experiencing.

8/8/2019 @ 8:50pm

I know I suck at blogging but I wanted to give an update on how I’ve been doing. I started taking abilify a week and a half ago. Things seem to be a lot better. My racing thoughts aren’t like they use to be. But I haven’t been sleeping good this week bc one of the side effects is insomnia. So… I’ve been manic all week. Scary. I am going to take some melatonin in addition to ambien tonight. TGIF tomorrow. I know I will be catching up on some sleep. I have so much stuff I want to get done this weekend too. Bipolar is very difficult but it is very manageable if you understand it and know yourself well enough. I analyze myself all the time. This week I have been hyper, very talkative, argumentative, talking super fast, having all of these grand plans that I won’t do, irritable… Wide open y’all. So worried about how my cycle is going to end. Hopefully I won’t be too depressed. I am in the middle of dosing off of lithium also. Don’t ever do that without your doctor’s consent. You could mess your brain up like mine by inducing a pychosis from coming off your medication too fast. And especially don’t ever do it if you have ever had a pychosis. Just talk to your doctor. At this point I wish I never took medication to start with but then I look at my mom and dad who are unmediated and I change my mind real quick. Mainly bc I see what they go through and I feel how they take there bad moods out on everyone that loves them. Medication really has helped with both of those things.

Night😊

8/6/2019 (5am)

For the past 2 nights I have slept maybe 4 hours. I am so manic right now. It really makes me reckless. This new medication has made my insomnia worse. I’ve been doing everything I am supposed to. Eating healthy, exercising, taking my medication correctly. Now I have to go to work and remember not to talk super fast, and not to say anything that is damaging to my chances of having my contract renewed in March. I can really tell a difference with my racing thoughts but I’ve still been having those racing thoughts. My future is on the line right now. This is my last chance to break into my field of study. I know life isn’t fair but it’s just not right to have to experience things like this when you do everything you are supposed to. My irritability is under control for the most part I think. I don’t feel so angry but I am thinking so fast, talking so much, dreaming the impossible…. Just very hyper. Life really is hard for me. It makes me want to cry sometimes. I’m so scared….

#mentalhealth

8/4/2019 (9:50pm)

My goal isn’t to make people feel sorry for us, it’s meant to give you insight on what it’s like to walk in our shoes. So maybe the next time you meet a ‘crazy’ person you will be less judgemental. We are not crazy, our brain just doesn’t work like yours. You have no idea what it’s like to walk in someone’s shoes that has a mental illness. You know how if you are deaf you live in a whole different world than someone who can hear? Well it works the same way for us. It’s the worse feeling to be called crazy. We cannot control what are brains think. We cannot snap out of it. All we can do is push forward and hope we make it through the cycle alive and without causing too much damage.

Bipolar has stole a lot from me. I realize I just kind of gave up at times and let it take from me, but I am not going to try not to do that anymore. You have to keep going and not give up. A lot of people who struggle with mental illness self medicate with Drugs and alcohol. I use to do the same think. In that moment getting high really numbs you from your racing thoughts, depression, and when you feel like climbing out of your body and floating around the world. But Drugs and alcohol are not the answer. Yes, it feels really good and it feels like the answer when your high, but you can’t stay high forever. It only makes your cycling roller coaster 100x worse. Mania might feel good but the depression that hits afterwards could kill you. So many people with mental illness have committed suicide during their depressive state. I was almost one of those people one time. I told someone And they saved my life. I cannot tell anyone how to live their life but it is really possible to learn how to fight against bipolar. I haven’t fully figured it out but I’ve came really far. Progress is everything with this disease. And for the ones who have their illness under control and don’t let it drive their life. Cheers to you. You are Sooo very amazing!

I stopped posting bc I realized no one was reading my stuff. It’s really not surprising that no one wants to read my journal. I plan on putting more medical information about bipolar. It will be sometime this week. I’m going to be super busy. I just picked up a 2nd job… No free time for me.

Life has been rocky since I posted last time. I still think lithium is driving me crazy. It works wonderfully for a lot of people but not for me. Doc put me on Abilify too. So far I can tell a difference but it’s still hard to keep up with my moods. My bipolar has really changed since my last pychosis. I am having to learn it’s behavior all over again.

Introduce Yourself

I have a B.S. in Mechanical Engineering and I have a severe case of bipolar 1 and have been fighting for 9 years now. I know that I will eventually win the battle… I am writing this blog in attempt to reach someone else like me and inspire them to never give up. I know that their is a lot of successful people with bipolar disorder Who have it under control… But there is also a lot that does not. These posts are a way for me to describe the life of someone who lives with bipolar, to document my progress, to bring awareness, to let someone know that they are no alone, and just something I do for therapy.

About me

My parents divorced when I was 2 years old and I moved in with my grandparents.  My grandparents raised me until my dad re-married when I was 10.  It was very traumatic for me when I had to move in with my dad and leave my grandparents.  My dad and mom both have a severe case of bi-polar and neither one of them is on medication… this caused a really rough childhood emotionally.  I was neglected by my step mom, verbally & mentally abused by my dad, and was taken away from both of my moms. Everyone has their own story… Mine just isn’t as bad as some people’s. I later moved with my aunt when I was 15 because I lost my virginity and my dad flipped out. I went to bed home sick every night when I lived with my dad so I finally felt at home when I moved in with my aunt because she lived right beside my granny.

I was a little wild in high school.  Experimenting with drugs and alcohol, skipping school, smoking cigarettes, and doing just about anything you weren’t supposed to do.  That all changed when I went to college.  I turned 180 degrees and turned into a completely different person.  I stopped drinking and experimenting with drugs. 

I had my first psychosis in 2010.  I was prescribed Cymbalta and it caused me to go manic and that resulted in a psychotic break.  I’ve had two since 2010 because I quit taking my medication on two different occasions.  My last psychosis was in 2018.  Once I came back to reality I sunk into a deep depression for 8 months straight.  I’ve never experienced anything like that before. I feel so bad for the people who live with that type of depression every day.  I was suicidal at one point during those 8 months and was admitted back into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I’m doing a lot better now.  I have a great job and I am finally really serious about my mental health. Diet, exercise, and medication is key.

Bipolar has stolen a lot from me but mainly because I let it.  It has stolen intimate relationships, love, and happiness.  It has caused me to make some really big mistakes in my life but I try not to let my past hold me back.  I want to be the best person I can be.  I might fall down sometimes but I get back on my feet stronger than I was before. 

I call myself JI Jane because I like to think of myself as a bipolar warrior because I refuse to lose this battle against bi-polar.  Although I know this battle will continue for the rest of my life… I try very hard to do my part so I can have some kind of control.  I can never control the cycles but I can control what I do when I am depressed or manic and what I do to minimize the frequency of my cycles. 

I have a lot of areas that I need to work on but Rome wasn’t built in a day.  I’m just taking it day by day.

This online journal is a way I can track my progress and it is a way to give someone insight on what it’s like to live with bi-polar disorder. I am actually doing very well at the moment.  I found the right medication… it only took 9 years but I found it.  I was going crazy for about 3 years when I was on the wrong medication.  I discontinued that about 6 weeks ago. 

 

7/31/2019 (10am)

Today is a bad day. Right now I am thinking one of my co-workers is out to get me. Meaning letting me fail and doing things that purposely piss me off. She knows everything about me. I just opened up to her and told her way too much. That’s one thing I should know better by now. If the wrong person finds out about my mental illness, I will be fired. I have got irritated with everyone I work with… This medication isn’t working. My bipolar had gotten so much worse since my last psychotic break in 2018. I honestly think she is out to get me and it makes me hate her. I cannot stop myself from feeling this way. Every little thing she does I think it’s directed towards me. 1/2 of me knows it probably isn’t like what I think but the other 1/2 swears up and down that it is. It’s just the crazy side of me that is screaming louder than my normal side. I just want to escape my body. No one understands unless they are living in the same kind of hell I am. Ahhhhh!