10/16/2019 @ 6:57pm

Mood: so very depressed

It’s been 5 days since I’ve had a cigarette. I know nicotine withdrawals are making this depression worse.

I’m still depressed about ***. It’s so hard seeing him everyday. It’s affecting my work. I’m so obsessed… I always tend to get this way over guys. This is why I avoid dating all together. I’m not sure what happened this time. I didn’t even date him. This has happened before but I’ve never had to see the person everyday.

I went all day without eating. I didn’t do anything at work today besides play on my phone. I know that’s bad but I just couldn’t concentrate. I’m falling apart. This is so childish. I swear I don’t think my frontal lobes ever fully developed. I think I have a maturity level of a 20 year old. I should not be letting this guy affect me so much. This guy shouldn’t be affecting me so much. When things like this happens it shows how messed up my brain is. Things are just getting worse. I really think he has something going on with that other girl. That and the fact he doesn’t like me really drives me crazy. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me. I have so much wrong with me. I’m so isolated I think it’s unhealthy. I feel like I really need to socialize and be around people more than I am. I realllllyyy need to start going to church. I never go because I don’t have anything to wear. I have no clothes. I don’t even know how to put stuff together to even look girly. I want to look girly but I don’t even know how to dress. I normally just wear t-shirts and jeans. I don’t want to dress like that anymore… I want to be more feminine. No one is going to like me if I wear baggy t-shirts all the time.

Geez… I’m feeling so bad about myself. Yesterday was worse than today. I skipped kick boxing and working out bc I was so sick to my stomach depressed. I literally feel like I’ve had my heart broke. This is crazy. How can I let a guy I’ve never been with destroy all of the progress I’ve made?

I downloaded two online dating apps but the thought of talking or dating a stranger just scares me. It’s ridiculous. I know other people have the same problems… Do you ever wish you were someone else? Like what happened? How or why did I become the person I am? I think the worse part is being known as the weird anti social one. People can talk around me and my anxiety takes over and I’m stuck in my head not listening to a word that they’re saying. Just sitting there not saying anything and that makes my anxiety worse. Why can’t I be funny or cool? Will I eventually become comfortable with who I am and not care about what others think?

I feel so foolish writing about my life publicly almost everyday. What if someone identifies me?

My depression is so bad right now. All I want to do is sleep. I’m so sick to my stomach. I feel like I’ve went 5 steps back from where I was. I feel like *** was part of the reason for some of my happiness before. Everything has changed since I confessed my feelings. It was such a mistake. This is going to ruin my life. I don’t want to go to work anymore. I just want to run away like I always do.

I pray and pray… He doesn’t answer my prayers. This is horrible.

10/14/2019 @ 9:30pm

Mood: I don’t give a **** mood.

First off, I don’t know if I’m manic, hypomanic, in a mixed state or maybe my frontal lobe never fully developed. But right now I’m saying the hell with everything. I’m not going to let one person (***) bring me down anymore. I’ve been tripping over one guy and their are sooo many other ones. That’s crazy….

Well something happened at work today and I kind of threw my phone down and slammed my water bottle down. I didn’t think about the consequences of my actions nor did I care until about 30 minutes ago. Keep in my it’s that time of the month and I haven’t smoked a cigarette in 3 days… But let me tell you what ol’ Mr. D said today.

First off.. If you follow me at all you already know about my day with my superior. How I looked like an idiot with issues.. I can only imagine what he said about me to the other guys… Any.

I’m still new at my job. I still have questions. I had a job today that was kind of complicated and I felt like I really needed some help. So I asked ol’ Mr. D to go on site with me. We pulled everything up on the computer and he told me exactly what to do and I understood him 100%. I just still wanted someone to go with me to put their eyes on it. I’ve really been second guessing myself lately. Anyway. D told me to ask my superior because this job is going to be complicated. So I did.. Everything was cool until I got back to my desk. When I got back to my desk I heard ol’ Mr. D talking to someone else on the team… And he said: you know why I didn’t take her out there right? So I wouldn’t have to explain what I just told her over again. That really made me want to say fuck this and walk out. But I said . I’m right here you know, I can hear you. He said oh I was just talking about needing to get my glasses fixed. I said no I’m talking about the first part. I said I actually understood exactly what you told me. But don’t worry I’ll never ask you for another thing. I went outside to talk to my dad about it. Came back still pissed off and threw my phone down and slammed my water bottle down.

I did not think before I acted. Did not think someone would have heard me and called it out. But they did.

I’m glad that happened. I’m dyslexic sometimes you do have to repeat yourself for me to understand unless you draw a picture. Not always but sometimes. Not for this situation though. Either way it’s pretty messed up. I almost started crying. I did tear up actually.

Then I pretty much said fuck it the rest of the day. I don’t care right now. Obviously everyone feels that way about me. I want to run away now but I cant. I have a terrible work record and I need good references. It really sucks.

I was hungry, craving a cigarette, and PMSing all at the same time. Plus through a little bipolar in the mix. You got yourself a real winner.

I am Going to go to work tomorrow and do my very best to stay positive and not let this affect my work anymore than it already has. Either way I know I will get a warning if I get anything at all. But screw D and everyone else who doesn’t believe in me.

I have 2 legit disabilities. That crap is no fair. I can’t even explain myself. So maybe they would understand why they sometimes have to repeat themselves bc I didn’t understand how they worded something or bc I’m being distracted by my own thoughts and I can’t pay attention. They think I am an idiot… I’m going to try my damndist to make sure to prove myself for me. So that I can feel accomplished.

Have a good night.

No proof reading. Ambien kicked in. Goodnight

10/13/2019 @ 9:20pm

Mood: I’m okay

It wasn’t too hard to get up this morning. I can tell I’m still a little sad but I’m getting over everything. So ready to go back to work and start on the stack of work I should have gotten done on Friday. I still can’t believe I let depression win that day and most of my weekend. I was so weak. Unless you know what real depression is then you wouldn’t understand that it’s nearly impossible to win a battle with depression. Unless you can actually make yourself try instead of laying around but sometimes laying around is really the best that you can do. It’s a lot better than hurting yourself. I’m glad I was only in a dark place for almost two days… If you don’t count working out and having temporarily relief. I feel for the people who have to live with this everyday with very little relief. I know I’m bipolar and that is bad enough. But being sick depressed is hard.

I’m going to go to work tomorrow and act like nothing is wrong. I told *** to leave alone on Friday. I really hope he has enough respect for me to listen to what I asked of him.

For those who experience dark depression regularly. Please tell me a little about yourself and what. Are your coping skills

I’m new to the deep sick to my stomach,very dark depression. So I really don’t know how to handle it. I need skills bc if it was this bad over a person. I cannot imagine what it will be like if something really bad happened that involved my Family or fur babies.

10/11/2019 @ 7:55pm

Mood: I am okay… not sad, mad, or happy. I feel a little some type of way but I’m not depressed anymore I don’t think.

Today started off really bad. I was so depressed about *** that I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I dragged myself to work and didn’t get anything accomplished because I had no motivation. My work just piled up and now I have a list full of stuff that I need to get done on Monday. I’ve never experienced anything like this since I started this new job. Luckily I didn’t have anything that needed to be done today. I was sick to my stomach depressed all day. I didn’t want to eat… I felt nauseas… I am really not exaggerating. It felt like my heart was broke and I didn’t know which way to turn. It felt like this all day. I had no energy when I got home. I just wanted to sit on the porch. I’ve been so sad all day. I haven’t felt like this in about 7 or 8 months.

I knew I had to do something or it would only keep getting worse! So I got up and went to the gym. I lifted heavy weight and I did intense cardio. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulder. I feel so much better. I know endorphins were released.. So this feeling will be gone by morning.. maybe. But I will work out multiple times a day if it will prevent me from being depressed. I know some people are obsessed with working out-my dad is one of them. (He also suffers with bipolar and doesn’t take any medication.) I can really understand why…. I feel so much better now.

On my way to the gym I was thinking about my blog. I really don’t know why I even write this blog. What kind of awareness am I bringing? That I’m bipolar and my mood fluctuates like crazy.. Allowing everyone to be in personal life. But now.. I realize that it makes me feel good when people comment and/or like my blogs… or even just visit or view. It makes me feel good when someone actually reads about my life. It makes me feel interesting and like I’m not alone. I feel like it is really helping me in some kind of way. I really hope that no one I know reads these and knows it’s me though.. because I talk about things I would never talk about to just anyone. I would post a picture if I wasn’t so scared of being identified. For now I am going to keep my blog public and keep posting updates everyday. Thank you to the people who continues to read, like, and comment on my blogs. You guys make me feel good and I really appreciate you. I know I don’t always comment or like all of your blogs… but I really don’t spend much time on here. I write my blog and I get offline. You know I have a hard time reading. Sometimes I just can’t follow everything that you write in your blogs. I will try to put more effort into supporting you like you support me. I am very interested in you… interested in everyone that I follow. Even though I do have my favorites.

I hope everyone has a great night.

10/10/2019 @ 5:50pm

Mood: Sad

Today has been a bad day. All I could think about was ***. I’m not really sure why I get this way over guys. This is the very reason I have been single for most of my life. I get attached or obsessed or whatever you want to call it and I start thinking about whoever all the time. He didn’t ignore me today but he was just so happy. More happier than normal and I was ignoring him most of the day. I feel like I am in high school again or something. I just want him to feel the same way about me but I know he doesn’t. Like what is wrong with me? It felt like we had a connection but I guess I was the only one feeling that way. Like I said… we couldn’t be together anyway. I’m not really sure why I would want him to feel the same way about me? So what if he did? We still couldn’t be together… I guess it would just be nice to know that someone liked me and was interested in me. It’s been so long since anyone has been interested in me. I just liked the attention and the idea that ‘this guy’ liked me. It almost gave me hope that I wasn’t weird, that my personality was attractive, that someone was attracted to me. It made me want to date and try to find love. Now I am stuck feeling the same way I did before this so called office romance happened. That’s if you would even call it that. My own office romance I guess because the feelings weren’t mutual. Stuck in my head like always. I don’t think I am worthy of finding love. I don’t think anyone would like me because I cannot conversate that well anymore. I am not funny, I have a terrible sense of humor. I am just boring. It was nice to think someone was interested in me because it made me think all the things I think about myself wasn’t true. Now I am just stuck wondering what is wrong with me. I hade a frown on my face all day… I was so sad. I don’t know if you would call it depressed but I was so sad. I am still sad. I’m not sure what has happened to me in the past 10 years but I am nothing like I use to be… before the pyschosis I had in 2010… I use to be bubbly, I could talk to anyone, a lot of people wanted to be around me…. But now… I don’t even want to be around me sometimes. lol I guess there is no reason to dwell on the past. All I can do is think about the present, realize that I am worthy… that anyone would be lucky to have me because I can love so deeply. I have a huge heart and I would treat someone so good. I need to think about how we could never be together.. so even though it’s hard right now… this will make things easier in the long run. At least I’m not in love with him. I know things will get easier… I am sure of that. I will finally let go like I always do. It makes me want to call one of my ex booty calls from years ago to come give me some attention. I know that will not do anything for me but hurt me even more. And I know some people will read that last sentence and think negatively about me… I don’t really care because we live and learn. I use to think sex was the way to make someone care about you.. It never worked for me because I would get super attached and obsessed… always scaring everyone away. And on top of that I never enjoyed it because I was always stuck in my head and never really relaxed because I always thought that I was being used. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life but I like to think that I am a lot better person now than I was 8 years ago. Although I want to ‘get over’ *** by ‘getting under’ someone else.. I will never do that. It’s been so long I wouldn’t even know what to do anymore. lol Anyway… (please don’t judge me)

The rest of my day was terrible. I went out in the field with a superior today. I was so nervous that I forgot everything that I have learned thus far. I seemed like an idiot. It was terrible. Not to mention I left my pocket book in the car unzipped with my bottle of Ativan showing. Lucky me.. and I had a personal conversation with him about my personal life. I keep thinking about what I said… I cannot believe I talked about the stuff I talked about with him. When I am nervous.. I literally cannot think straight. He brought up the fact that his daughter was 26 and wasn’t married. I said well I am 30 and have never been married. I hope that isn’t a bad thing. Then I said I don’t even see the point in marriage unless you have kids. That is how I really feel. I feel like you can be with someone without getting married. All the people getting divorced now a days makes me not even want to waste the money getting married. Or maybe I feel that way because I don’t think anyone would ever ask me to marry them. I told him I didn’t even date so there would be no chance in getting married. He asked if I went to the new restaurants in my town… because he lives in the same area as me.. and I said no.. and he continued to tell me they were bars and such. I said oh no.. I could never go to one of them. I have a hard time talking to people and I am socially awkward. I also told him about dyslexia… It was such an awkward car ride. All I wanted to do was think about *** but I was forced to try and carry on a conversation. It was so exhausting. It was so awkward when we got back to the office. He just looked at me with this weird look. I couldn’t tell if he thought I was a pure psycho or that I was weird.. or that I had issues.. or maybe he thought bad for me.

I ate somewhat healthy today. I didn’t go work out on my lunch break but my kick boxing class starts at 8pm. I hope to be in a better mood after my class. The doctor put me on metformin to help with weight loss. I need to lose about 10 pounds. I would be happy with 8 pounds actually.

Oh and I haven’t smoked a cigarette all day. That has a lot to do with my mood too I think.

Have a good evening….

10/9/2019 @ 8:13pm

Mood: Pretty good- ALOT better than yesterday

I had a doctor’s appointment today. Everything went really well. He actually told me that he sees no sign of bipolar. He says that everyone shows symptoms of bipolar every now and then. He said that he has been manic before and that he isn’t bipolar. He said that the difference between the two is that a person with bipolar experiences the symptoms and they tend to get worse (extreme). And that the mood swings or phases? or whatever seem to last longer for someone with bipolar disorder. He also said my sad moods is because I am just not happy with my life. He said that medication can only do so much, that I will have to find my own enjoyment out of life. All this makes so much sense. I have had mood swings but they normally only last for a day. I use to stay depressed, manic, or a combination of both for weeks at a time. I never truly realized how well I am doing right now. Everything seems to be going really well and then I will have a bad day and think everything has gone to crap. And that I am not getting better. If you look at my first blog post you will see how much I have improved. (If you have been following me) Anyway…

Today went really well. I actually had a good day at work… even though *** kind of ignored me today. That really bothered me but I now realize that it’s for the best. I actually told him that I had feelings for him yesterday and apparently that kind of scared him away. It’s def. obvious that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. Which is a good thing since I could never be with him anyway. I really don’t know why I even confessed my feelings for him. I’m not sure what exactly I was expecting to get from that. Things are going to change now but I know everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is exactly what I should have done a long time ago. If he ignores me then it will make it a lot easier for me to ignore him.

I ate healthy again today and went to the gym during my lunch break again. I’ve had really good work outs in the past few days. It makes me feel great about myself. Kickboxing was awesome last night. I’ve actually taken kickboxing a total of 3 months. It is complete therapy for me. I have a personal trainer and he is awesome. It’s a killer work out and he makes me laugh! Great therapy! I get to punch things and laugh while I am doing it. How much better can it get? HAHA! It feels like I’ve been to hell and back sometimes. Everything I’ve been though throughout my life.. It would shock you to be honest. I know there are people who have had it so much worse than me but my life hasn’t been easy. I know I am getting better but I still have 20 years of built up anger I am able to release in my kick boxing classes. I took kickboxing for 3 months straight and then I quit because my trainer stood me up one day. It was on the Fourth of July… he forgot to tell me he wasn’t having class that day. I quit and started back last night. I have missed it so much. I am so glad that I went back. Lifting weights and kick boxing is my thing now. I enjoy both of them so much. I really want to quit smoking a start running too. That would be awesome. I’ve always been into health and fitness. I just tend to fall of the wagon sometimes. I can honestly say I feel so much better when I am eating healthy, exercising, and not smoking. That is my goal for the month, to quit smoking. I’ve said this time and time again but I know that I will quit one day. I bought smoker patches and nicotine gum. I’m going to try and quit again tomorrow. Wish me luck!!

Oh! And thanks to the awesome comment that was left on my post from yesterday.. Someone provided me with a solution to my problems from yesterday. SO thankful for that! Great advice! Thank you!

10/8/2019 @ 6:45pm

Mood: Sad

Someone told me to track my mood based on what happens in my life. Nothing happened today and I’m still in a gloomy mood. I know that I just hit a bump in the road and that I will be better tomorrow… but I feel like I will never will ‘win the battle with bipolar’. I don’t think I will ever actually happy and stay that way. I know that I am still going to have mood swings but it just sucks it happens so frequently. Nothing has happened in my life to cause me to feel down. I did eat healthy today and I did lift weights on my lunch break. I didn’t do cardio after work because I have a kick boxing class at 8pm. I’m not sure if that has anything to do with my mood. I was in an okay mood today but when I got home I just felt sad. I look around at my life and see nothing that I am proud of. I am not the person I want to be. All I do is sit around and think about things that don’t even matter. I don’t know enough stuff about the world to think about anything interesting. Everything I think about is related to me. I look around and see people who are happy, and I wish I was them. I have nothing going on in my life. My job doesn’t challenge me and I am just bored of it. I don’t get to use my mind to solve problems. That’s what I am… I am a problem solver. I wish I had love in my life or interests that distracted my mind from all the bad stuff. I wish I was genuinely happy about the choices I’ve made in my life instead of having so many regrets. My life has past so fast in the past 10 years and the most I’ve done is graduate college. I really don’t have a meaningful relationship with anyone besides my granny and little cousin. I feel that intimate relationships are very important and when you don’t have them you miss out on a lot of things. For most of my life I have just existed. I’ve never really lived. I want to take a vacation and enjoy myself. I want to swim with dolphins and go sky diving. Lay on a beach with blue water. I want to go horse back riding… It’s going to be a long time before I can do that. ((I make $16/hr because I am under a crappy contract. Other people with the same job and same experience make over $28/hr with paid holidays and vacation….)) I wish I could find a hobby or discover what I am interested in. I am so clueless about life, I don’t know anything… honestly. That’s why I always talk about the things I talk about. I hate reading. It is so hard for me to comprehend what I read. I am interested in fiction, I like learning how things work, and why things are the way they are. I am so behind with my education that it’s very overwhelming to try and find myself. To get on the right path. I wish I liked reading more than I do because reading is how you learn things. I never remember anything I read so it feels like a waste of time. Most of the time… when I find something that I want to learn about I don’t understand the big words so it’s hard to read it and learn anything. I wish I could watch videos. I wish there was a list of all the general topics that I need to learn with videos to teach me everything I need to know. I wish there was a list of topics that I could look at to find things that I might be interested it. I want to learn. I want to study and learn in my free time. That would distract me from all my problems. I just want to be smart and be able to have intellectual conversations. I know that I am just having a bad day. And I realize learning new things take a lot of effort… effort that I just don’t have the energy to give right now. Why does my life have to be so complicated. I am an intelligent person… but I don’t know that much. Knowledge and intelligence is not the same thing. Just because I don’t know much doesn’t mean I am stupid. My IQ is 145. I don’t know… I wish I could be happy… and have things to do to distract my mind.. I have to go now.. kick boxing. <<excellent therapy>>

10/7/2019 @ 7:32pm

Mood: Good

I went to the gym after work and I feel pretty good. I did eat a bad lunch because I was out in the field all day… But I managed to get one serving of almonds, an apple, and a protein shake in today. I plan on drinking a protein shake for supper so I will meet my 1600 calorie limit for the day. I only talk about this because diet and exercise is so important for your mental health. I would like to document my mood based on what I eat and how much I work out. This stuff might seem pointless to some people but it’s really important to me. I think that I can be a good example for someone who struggles with bipolar. If I dedicate myself to the things that I need to do. I know I talk about this and that and I don’t always do what I say… but I know I will eventually do everything I am suppose to do. Just making the small changes I’ve made so far has really improved my mood. There is no telling what will happen if I follow this plan consistently.

I tried to ignore *** today. It didn’t work out that well. I have to figure out a way to get over this crush because I know I will end up getting hurt. I know that he isn’t interested in me and that he probably just wants one thing from me. He should have feelings for me by now if he liked me at all. I’m not sure why I am so caught up on this because I can’t be with him anyway. I just really can’t stand the thought of him crushing on someone else in the office. I wouldn’t even care if it was someone that didn’t work with us. This is my crazy side showing… which is the reason I’ve been single most of my life. It’s also the reason why I haven’t been on a date in about 6 years. Oh well… what ever is going to happen is going to happen. There is no point in dwelling over this anymore than I already have.


10/6/2019 @ 5pm

Mood: I think I might be happy or I might just be in a good mood.

I didn’t get everything done this weekend like I hoped to. And I kind of feel lazy, fat, and ugly today too. But I know there is always tomorrow and that I have came so far in the past year. I also know that I need to lose a little weight so that is why I am feeling bad about myself today. None of those negatives matter because I am content with where things are today. I know that I can lose weight with a little hard work. I know that I will be more productive as my mental health continues to improve. I know that I am not where I need to be but I have came a long way… compared to where I was last year.

I created a meal plan for myself. I limited myself to 1600 calories a day. I will continue to follow the Mediterranean diet. I started working out again last week. I managed to lift weights 3 days and do cardio 2 days. This week my goal is to lift weights 3 days and do cardio 5 days. I start my kick boxing class on Tuesday. I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday-looking forward to telling my doctor how well my medication is working for me.

Life is good. I know that I am still stuck in my head but sometimes it’s really not a bad thing.

10/4/2019 @ 5:15pm

Mood: manic

I haven’t posted in a few days because everything was going okay… I thought anyway. Monday night, after the cookout, I didn’t really sleep well because I was obsessing about everything that happened that day. What I did right and/or what I did wrong. I felt okay on Tuesday…. Especially since *** gave me sooo much attention. I left work feeling hypnotized. Even after all the flirting he did with that girl at the cook out. I went to the gym, after work, and did 30 minutes of cardio. Felt great. Tuesday night I slept okay but it wasn’t the best sleep. On Wednesday, *** went to the same office that the girl from cook out worked at. I was really feeling some type of way. Jealousy flooded my whole body. I couldn’t even think straight. So… I went to the gym on my lunch break and after work on Wednesday. And I gave *** the cold shoulder the rest of the day. (Not sure if I said that right) I could tell it bothered him too. I went home so upset and heart broken. This girl is gorgeous, likes sports, blonde, and talks junk with all the guys…very witty. Everything that I’m not. So much like *** it’s not even funny. I went home sad sick Wednesday. On Thursday… *** didn’t come to work until later in the day. I ended up taking an Ativan because my nerves were so tore up. When I got home Thursday, I went and talked to my best friend about it and felt a lot better but still upset. I ended up taking 2 shots of the fireball, that my friend gave me, when I got home. I didn’t sleep well last night. And in the last 5 hours I cycled into a manic phase. I’m not really sure how long it will last. I’m dehydrated, racing thoughts, I feel jacked up on caffeine… I can’t concentrate. And I have an urge to go shopping. I just got paid today. I can’t spend any money though so I am not going to give into shopping. I am going to use this built up energy to clean and be productive instead of doing something reckless. I plan to stay at home and not to conversate with anyone besides friends and family. Luckily it hit me… Or was noticeable enough for me to recognize it… After I left work. The funny thing is that I didn’t do any cardio yesterday. I’m sure that would have been more beneficial than drinking alcohol. Alcohol and lack of sleep is probably what did this to me.

Hopefully it won’t last long.

How do I get over *** when he goes out of his way to give me attention everyday. I have feelings for this guy and I can’t be with him. And now there is this other girl in the picture. What do I do!?