9/29/2019 @ 4:20pm

Mood: pretty good

Today has been a good day. I got a lot done around my house. Went out to eat with my granny and little cousin. Went to Wal-Mart afterwards. Now I’m waiting for 5pm to get here so I can meet my dad at the gym.

I have a cook out to go to tomorrow. It’s supposed to be a team building exercise. I’m terrified to be honest. Any type of social gathering scares me. It hasn’t even got here yet and I’m already ready to go home. Hopefully it won’t be too bad.

Looking forward to the next work week. I have lots to do so my week will go by fast. Friday is pay day!

I’m supposed to take my dog to the vet on Friday for an ultrasound.  To make sure he doesn’t have cancer.  My whole heart believes that he doesn’t.  I surely hope he doesn’t. He is like my child and he is one of the few things that makes my world go around. If he does.. I will get through it. Hopefully he doesn’t though.

Starting a new book tonight. Going to start reading while I cook my chicken on the grill. Hopefully it will be a lot cooler by then.

Have a great Sunday evening and a great work week.

9/28/19 @ 5:42pm

Mood: crappy… I’m still sick, tired, irritable, annoyed at life

The dogs had me awake at 9am. I’ve just been in a bad mood all day. Annoyed. I ate a lot of junk yesterday and I didn’t get to sleep in my own bed last night. && I am still sick. That’s enough to put someone in a crappy mood.

I’ve been sitting on my butt all day not doing a dang thing. Just a crappy day.

I always say oh I hope I find love. Blah blah blah. But when I think about it. Geez I would hate someone to love me like I am right now. I walk around looking like a bum when I’m not working. I’ve just been lazy here lately. I’m moody. Bitchy. I never smile… Why in the world would I want anyone to get to know me right now?

Even if I don’t have anything interesting to say… It’s important for me to document my feelings. I can see improvement since my abilify was upped.

Have a good night. ✌

9/27/2019 @ 2:12pm

Mood: Neutral

I want to start by talking about yesterday. Wow yesterday was very interesting. As you might know, I was super depressed the day before yesterday. Yesterday I wasn’t really that depressed. The first part of the day went really well. I got to spend 2 hours of alone time with ***. We actually looked at 3 jobs together. I sure have missed the alone time with him. Anyway… like I said…The first part of the day was great. Then at about 2pm I started feeling super anxious and depression hit me hard. I was doing just fine and then all of a sudden bam. My racing thoughts were so bad that I could barely function. Seriously. I was scared to drive. It’s crazy when I am depressed, anxious, and feeling manic at the same time. I eventually had to take an Ativan and about 2 hours later I felt a lot calmer. My racing thoughts were still there but not as bad..

I woke up today feeling so much better. My thoughts were back to normal and I didn’t have that sick to my stomach feeling this morning.. everything has been pretty good.

I am going to my dad’s later this evening. He is going out of town so I am babysitting his dogs for him.

I think it’s so weird when my mood/mental state shifts so fast and so significantly.  I know I’ve always been moody but I use to not notice when my mood changed.  Before medication, I would go from happy/goofy to pissed off or depressed multiple times a day. Now.. I normally stay the same most of the time. I’m either doing good or I’m doing bad.. But it usually is the same all day. Besides when I wake up feeling depressed but the feeling goes away. I really understand why bipolar is considered a disability. It’s very crippling…. I cannot wait until I reach the point where I am more stable and know what to do when a roller coaster takes me away out of no where. I obviously need to educate myself more about my illness so feel free to post comments and educate me.

I am still trying to figure out if I am really depressed when I think I am neutral.  I have lost interest in things for over a year now. I don’t laugh or smile much.  I don’t really feel bad about myself most days.. Occasionally yes, but not most days…  I do sometimes wake up dwelling about something bad.  And I have that feeling in my stomach almost every morning. I feel like my cognitive skills aren’t up to par either but I think that has more to do with recovering from a psychotic break from last year. My memory is terrible too. I know most people will say you would know if you’re depressed. I don’t know if that’s true. I think it would depend on the magnitude of your depression. There is different levels.

From about 8/1/18 to about 2/1/19 I was severely depressed.  Suicidal.  Writing goodbye notes and making plans.  Waking up sick to my stomach and having that feeling all day.  Barely able to make myself get out of bed to go to work. I wouldn’t even shower regularly.  Ruminating on what I think was going to happen in my future.  Thinking about my granny and my dog dying. About my little cousin being put in foster care. Being homeless. Dying alone. Being single the rest of my life. I was thinking this stuff all day every day.  Every day.  So obsessed with my thoughts I had a hard time doing anything. I couldn’t focus. Luckily I just worked in the back of a restaurant. I did burn myself all the time though. I finally was able to snap out of that with the right medication and life changes. My point is .. Maybe I’m not as depressed as I use to be but I am still depressed and have grown numb to it. I know there is still something wrong with me and I am trying to figure out if this is just my life now or will things get better.

I am going to write about my last pychosis one day next week. I thought Trump was out to kill me and that Russia was going to drop a nuclear bomb on my house.

9/25/2019 @ 8:02pm

Mood: I am okay… Not depressed today. I just feel tired. I wish I could say I was happy. I mainly don’t feel anything. It’s almost like I am emotionally numb.

I went another day without going to the gym. I barely got 5 hrs of sleep last night so I was really tired after work. I just couldn’t sleep last night. I kept waking up dwelling about negative stuff. I did wake up with that depressed feeling in my stomach but I wake up with that feeling most days. It just normally goes away.

Work was okay. I didn’t get much accomplished because I felt so tired and unmotivated. I really hope this gets better.

I get to spend an hour alone with *** tomorrow. We are going to look at a job together. I know this makes things harder on me but I’m really looking forward to it.

I cooked hamburger steaks when I got home. Grilled onions & mushrooms with roasted broccoli. It was alright… Everything could have used more seasoning.  Oh well… I’ll do better next time. 

I’m watching big bang theory with my granny now. I just wanted to take a minute to write a quick post.

I’m going to read a little in my book before I go to bed. 

Have a good night. 💤

9/24/2019 @ 6:18pm

Mood: depressed

I just feel so bad about myself. I feel like I’m fat & ugly. That I’m lazy… That I will never find a man. That no one would want me like I am.

And I’m so tired all the time now. A side effect of Abilify is feeling tired. I felt tired most of the time before he upped my medication.. Now I’m miserably tired. I can drink 3 caffeine drinks throughout the day and still feel so tired. I use to only drink one or two. I feel like weights are strapped to my back… I am exhausted. I know exercising would help but I’ve gotten out of the habit and now it’s hard to make myself go to the gym when I feel so tired. I am my worse enemy. I know exercise is just as important as sleep and medication. Not only am I not exercising, I’m feeling really bad about myself for not exercising.

I was on a carb cycling diet and I lost some weight. Then I changed it up bc I was miserable going 2 days without carbs. It wasn’t a diet I could live by. I changed it up to a protein shake in the morning, a low carb snack, then a moderate carb lunch, fruit for a snack, and no carb super. The scales say I’m still losing weight but my stomach is getting bigger. I think this is bc I haven’t been drinking much water, I haven’t been drinking much of anything to be honest. So this is making me feel so bad about myself too.

Today has been a crappy day. *** did give me attention today and flirt with me but I know that nothing will ever happen between us. He is the first guy I’ve liked and even beem sexually attracted to in a long time. Not giving too much detail but we can never be together. I really like his attention and just being around him. I miss him when I don’t see him at work and over the weekend. We only talk at work. I think he might have some kind of feelings for me but not like I do for him. He is just a natural flirt and he doesn’t even mean to. The only reason I grew to care for him was bc he trained me for a couple of weeks at work and I was with him all day. I couldn’t stop myself from developing feelings for him. He was the first guy to give me attention in so long. It really sucks that we can never be together. I hope I can meet another guy and get to know them like I did ***. There was no pressure of dating, having sex, trying to impress anyone, etc. It was just a friendship that evolved into me having feelings for him. I think he likes me too but he has never told me. I hope and pray that God sends me someone like him one day…

On top of all of this I am starting to get sick. My body aches, my nose is stuffy, my throat is dry and scratchy, and I have pressure in my head. I do not handle being sick well. I act like I have the flu when I have a chest cold. So this is not cool.

I went by the library today and checked out a couple books. I have a 6th grade vocabulary so I found a book in the youth section. I am trying to start small and use it to broaden my vocabulary and improve my reading skills. I really want to be able to read things and understand them better than I do. I have always had a hard time reading. I use to fail the Reading EOG and would make 5s , top scores in NC, in Math. They would take me out of class for special lesson to try and teach me how to comprehend what I read. I have a hard time understanding what I read, conveying my thoughts orally, and I have a hard time understanding someone when they explain stuff to me unless they show me how to do something while they explain. Reading and vocabulary building is on my to do list to better myself. I’ve read a couple different books in the past 4 months but I haven’t read anything in a week and half. I’ve been so exhausted and drained and have a hard time picking out books bc I haven’t been reading long enough to know what Author’s I like or what genre I like. So if you have a must read list please comment.

I’m going to watch some stand up comendy on youtube ( I need a good laugh) watch NCIS at 8 (Zeva is back) and read a little before bed. Not sure what or if I will be cooking super tonight. I feel terrible.

9/23/2019 @ 9:10pm

Mood: blahh. I don’t really know how to rate my mood unless it’s good, bad, or neutral. Can’t wait to be able to say it’s good/happy. Maybe one day….

Today was a good day mostly. Work went by fast, I got two new jobs to work on tomorrow. *** was flirting with me and giving me loads of attention today. I went most of the day without smoking a cigarette… No racing thoughts. I was thinking clearly… So for the most part it was pretty good.

But about 2 hours ago I ate a lot of food and since about 7:30pm I’ve smoked like 5 cigarettes. So now I’m just like blah.

I went to bring my granny food after work, then got stuck in traffic for an hour, got home about 7 and then went out to eat with my little cousin. We went to a buffet and I ate way too much so now I feel fat and ugly. 😆 I talked myself into buying a pack of cigarettes and it’s like I’ve been playing catch up for the past two hours. I want to quit so bad but I don’t think I’m going to be able to. It really messes with my head.

After I got home I just sat around bc I was miserably full.. So I definitely feel like blah right about now.

Cannot wait to curl up in the bed and get some sleep.

There is always tomorrow. Going to try to stop again tomorrow. God awful habit.

Can’t wait to see *** tomorrow. ❤

9/22/2019 @ 8:56pm

Mood: Neutral

Racing thoughts are gone. I’m calmer, more patient, ready to go back to work.

Today has been a good day.

My dad did get loud with me a few times. Only bc he cares. He kind of screamed at me one time bc he misunderstood me. I didn’t let him get to me. He has issues and I just accept him for who he is. I try to at least. He really doesn’t understand what he has done to me throughout my life. He never will. I’m just going to let it go and hope that he wakes up one day and realizes what his words and tone does to me. I know I probably should push him out of my life but I can’t. He is my dad……..

When he did scream at me I didn’t get upset. I just looked at him like he was and crazy and pointed out that he was screaming at me. He was so mad that he said GD. It was because he thought I said that sleeping wasn’t important. I know getting the proper amount of sleep is one of the most important things for my mental health. I get so tired of him talking to me like a child. I realize I am immature and I don’t think I will ever fully ‘grow up’ but I am responsible.

Just writing in my journal. I feel silly for talking about my personal life publicly but hopefully I can look back at these and see my progress.

9/21/2019

Mood: Neutral

My racing thoughts have improved since my last post. Everything seems to be getting better for me. I do feel tired but that’s a side affect of abilify.

I’m not going to take ativan anymore and I am going to really try to avoid ambien if I can help it. I was able to fall asleep last night without taking it. Hopefully things will continue to get better for me.

I’m not sure what happened but I like to think everything happens for a reason. Maybe I’ve needed my medication upped this whole time. I seem to be a lot more relaxed. I don’t seem as impatient or irritable. Those were two things I was having problems with in addition to starting things and not finishing them.

I’ve been trying to follow the meditarrian diet. My doctor told me it was the best diet to follow for bipolar. I’ve been pretty successful so far… It’s very easy to follow. I need to find different sandwich meat though. Something that’s not processed. Processed meat is bad for you and very bad for your mental health. I know there is natural sandwich meat that is minimally processed. I’m sure that is better than what I am eating now. You never know… I ate processed meat 4 days in a row. That could have messed up my mental state. You really have to pay attention to everything you consume. I’m not sure if it was because of ambien, ativan, processed meat, I drunk 2 sodas, or maybe it was just natural..

A lot of people honestly don’t know how important it is to be careful with what you put in your body.  I’m sure people with mental illnesses are more sensitive to stuff than someone with a healthy brain. But I think it’s important for everyone.  I’m by far a health freak but in order to be mentally healthy you must watch what you put in your body. 

I know some people don’t think it’s that big of a deal but it really is. I’m always analyzing myself. I was lost in my head for over 2 years. All I did was analyze myself so now it’s just a habit. When something with my mental state changes, I always think about what I did differently. What chemicals did I put or take away from my body. Sometimes I don’t do anything different but a lot of times I do.

Some people live with mental illnesses and don’t do anything to better themselves. They are against medication, they are against all medication… They like natural remedies… Sometimes they self medicate with Drugs and alcohol. They have no desire to try and get better because they have lived with it their whole life with no relief. They don’t understand how much better life is on medication. They don’t know what it’s like so they don’t try to do anything to help themselves.

My dad has severe bipolar and doesn’t take any medication. He is very successful but his mental health is a lot worse than he realizes. He does eat a clean diet and exercises obsessively. Those two things really help him but I see first hand that he needs medication. He thinks he has everything under control but he really doesn’t. He gets high from endorphins being released after working out and he works out A LOT so to him he is doing good. But he doesn’t realize how his bipolar affects the people that loves him. He has almost lost me multiple times and he lost the boy he raised for 14 years. The boy he replaced me with 15 years ago. His attitude drove him away. He doesn’t see any of this. He doesn’t do anything wrong. It’s everyone else. He doesn’t think about how he doesn’t have a relationship with either one of his kids. That doesn’t matter to him obviously. I grew up with him cussing me out, slapping me in the face, screaming at me, telling me everything I did wrong and nothing I did right. I do not have a bond with my dad. He doesn’t get it though. I’m not dwelling on that though. It’s been this way my whole life. I don’t give a crap now. It’s too late. I wouldn’t know what I would do without him though. I need him to tell me what I’m doing wrong. I’m so use to it I feel lost when I don’t hear constant negative feedback.

My mom is also severe bipolar. She is a recovering drug addict and an alcoholic. Her bipolar is veryyyyyyyyyyyyy bad. She is kind of crazy. She is paranoid and gets mad about everything. I try to have a relationship with her but it’s very hard. She has never really been apart of my life. It’s so exhausting trying to talk to her. I can’t stand to be yelled at. I can’t talk to her on the phone without her getting irritated and loud with me. Both my parents drive me crazyyy.

Thank God for my granny!

I’m just rambling and I know some people really don’t like reading long posts. I know I don’t because I’m dyslexic and have a hard time reading. My mind wonders too so the combination makes it difficult.

Have a great night.

9/19/2019 @ 7:52am

Mood: I’m not sure. I am anxious, feeling bad about myself, have racing thoughts, restless, impatient….

Obviously I am really sick and I’m not sure if I did it or if I am just naturally cycling. There is a possibility my medication needs to be upped. I talk to my doctor about it today and he raised abilify from 15mg to 22.5mg. I hope to be able to tell a difference in the next few days. My racing thoughts are so bad I am having a hard time focusing or paying attention to anything. I am back to staring off in space lost in my head. It really sucks. It’s affecting my work, driving, paying attention when people are talking to me. My mind is going 100mph and I can’t make it stop. I don’t understand how an ambien or ativan caused this. Is it just a coincidence???

Today was a terrible day. I had a meeting and couldn’t pay attention at all. A guy at work kept picking with me and I am so socially awkward it was so embarrassing. If this is how it’s going to be working in the position I am in . then I don’t want to do it anymore…. If this is how it’s going to be everywhere… I want to work somewhere that I don’t have to interact with anyone. I hate humiliating myself. I’m not fit to interact with people much less try to joke. I say awkward stuff and dwell on it afterwards. I hate my life today.

Does anyone else struggle with interacting with people like I do?

I need someone who I can talk to about this….