10/7/2019 @ 7:32pm

Mood: Good

I went to the gym after work and I feel pretty good. I did eat a bad lunch because I was out in the field all day… But I managed to get one serving of almonds, an apple, and a protein shake in today. I plan on drinking a protein shake for supper so I will meet my 1600 calorie limit for the day. I only talk about this because diet and exercise is so important for your mental health. I would like to document my mood based on what I eat and how much I work out. This stuff might seem pointless to some people but it’s really important to me. I think that I can be a good example for someone who struggles with bipolar. If I dedicate myself to the things that I need to do. I know I talk about this and that and I don’t always do what I say… but I know I will eventually do everything I am suppose to do. Just making the small changes I’ve made so far has really improved my mood. There is no telling what will happen if I follow this plan consistently.

I tried to ignore *** today. It didn’t work out that well. I have to figure out a way to get over this crush because I know I will end up getting hurt. I know that he isn’t interested in me and that he probably just wants one thing from me. He should have feelings for me by now if he liked me at all. I’m not sure why I am so caught up on this because I can’t be with him anyway. I just really can’t stand the thought of him crushing on someone else in the office. I wouldn’t even care if it was someone that didn’t work with us. This is my crazy side showing… which is the reason I’ve been single most of my life. It’s also the reason why I haven’t been on a date in about 6 years. Oh well… what ever is going to happen is going to happen. There is no point in dwelling over this anymore than I already have.

I

10/6/2019 @ 5pm

Mood: I think I might be happy or I might just be in a good mood.

I didn’t get everything done this weekend like I hoped to. And I kind of feel lazy, fat, and ugly today too. But I know there is always tomorrow and that I have came so far in the past year. I also know that I need to lose a little weight so that is why I am feeling bad about myself today. None of those negatives matter because I am content with where things are today. I know that I can lose weight with a little hard work. I know that I will be more productive as my mental health continues to improve. I know that I am not where I need to be but I have came a long way… compared to where I was last year.

I created a meal plan for myself. I limited myself to 1600 calories a day. I will continue to follow the Mediterranean diet. I started working out again last week. I managed to lift weights 3 days and do cardio 2 days. This week my goal is to lift weights 3 days and do cardio 5 days. I start my kick boxing class on Tuesday. I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday-looking forward to telling my doctor how well my medication is working for me.

Life is good. I know that I am still stuck in my head but sometimes it’s really not a bad thing.

10/4/2019 @ 5:15pm

Mood: manic

I haven’t posted in a few days because everything was going okay… I thought anyway. Monday night, after the cookout, I didn’t really sleep well because I was obsessing about everything that happened that day. What I did right and/or what I did wrong. I felt okay on Tuesday…. Especially since *** gave me sooo much attention. I left work feeling hypnotized. Even after all the flirting he did with that girl at the cook out. I went to the gym, after work, and did 30 minutes of cardio. Felt great. Tuesday night I slept okay but it wasn’t the best sleep. On Wednesday, *** went to the same office that the girl from cook out worked at. I was really feeling some type of way. Jealousy flooded my whole body. I couldn’t even think straight. So… I went to the gym on my lunch break and after work on Wednesday. And I gave *** the cold shoulder the rest of the day. (Not sure if I said that right) I could tell it bothered him too. I went home so upset and heart broken. This girl is gorgeous, likes sports, blonde, and talks junk with all the guys…very witty. Everything that I’m not. So much like *** it’s not even funny. I went home sad sick Wednesday. On Thursday… *** didn’t come to work until later in the day. I ended up taking an Ativan because my nerves were so tore up. When I got home Thursday, I went and talked to my best friend about it and felt a lot better but still upset. I ended up taking 2 shots of the fireball, that my friend gave me, when I got home. I didn’t sleep well last night. And in the last 5 hours I cycled into a manic phase. I’m not really sure how long it will last. I’m dehydrated, racing thoughts, I feel jacked up on caffeine… I can’t concentrate. And I have an urge to go shopping. I just got paid today. I can’t spend any money though so I am not going to give into shopping. I am going to use this built up energy to clean and be productive instead of doing something reckless. I plan to stay at home and not to conversate with anyone besides friends and family. Luckily it hit me… Or was noticeable enough for me to recognize it… After I left work. The funny thing is that I didn’t do any cardio yesterday. I’m sure that would have been more beneficial than drinking alcohol. Alcohol and lack of sleep is probably what did this to me.

Hopefully it won’t last long.

How do I get over *** when he goes out of his way to give me attention everyday. I have feelings for this guy and I can’t be with him. And now there is this other girl in the picture. What do I do!?

9/30/2019 @ 5:51pm

Mood: Good

I’m not really sure if my good mood is from drinking caffeine or not. But I’ve been in a pretty good mood all day. Besides when I was anxious bc of social anxiety.

We had our cookout at work today. Oh about 40 people I’m not comfortable with yet. This was so hard for me. Everyone was walking around talking to each other and I really didn’t know anyone enough to feel comfortable talking to them. I played on my phone for a little bit until my anxiety got pretty bad because I was sitting alone and scared about what people might think of me. I finally sat down at a table with 2 other girls and introduced myself. I managed to make them both laugh a couple times. Not really sure if they were fake laughing or not but I didn’t really think about it too much. I also said a few sentences and could tell they looked at me like wtf… At least I think so… I know they really didn’t have anything to say. I felt a little awkward but I tried not to let it bother me. I just told myself it was all in my head. When it was time to eat I moved back to my original table with the lady I work with… Needless to say I should have stayed at the other table.

We had a corn hole tournament and I participated. This was so scary because I’ve never played before and so many people were watching. I actually didn’t do that bad considering I’ve never played before. I definitely wasn’t good but I managed to hit the board a few times and make it in the hole a few times too. I felt half way good about it besides the time I made wild throws and completely missed the board all together.

I don’t think today would have been as scary if it wasn’t for *** being there. I felt so pressured… I was scared of making a fool of myself. I could feel him watching me a couple times. I realized that I really need to distant myself from him and get over this crush I have. Especially because I got jealoused today because he was picking with another girl. Another girl who was so cool and funny. Fit right in with all the guys. Talked junk with them and everything. I so wish I could be like her. Anyway… I realized today that he was just a flirt and what I thought we might have had was just in my head. He was very nice to me and went out of his way to talk to me. He watched me a few times but I think that was just him observing how I interacted with people bc he knows all about my social anxiety. I don’t really know… But one thing I do know… This crush and feelings I have for him has to go. I’m not really sure how to stop it though.

Overall I think I did okay today. I stepped out of my comfort zone and managed to interact with people without having a panic attack. Which was Greattt.

Today has been very exhausting though. I am going to relax on the couch and watch TV/chill out the rest of the day.

☝🙌✌

9/29/2019 @ 4:20pm

Mood: pretty good

Today has been a good day. I got a lot done around my house. Went out to eat with my granny and little cousin. Went to Wal-Mart afterwards. Now I’m waiting for 5pm to get here so I can meet my dad at the gym.

I have a cook out to go to tomorrow. It’s supposed to be a team building exercise. I’m terrified to be honest. Any type of social gathering scares me. It hasn’t even got here yet and I’m already ready to go home. Hopefully it won’t be too bad.

Looking forward to the next work week. I have lots to do so my week will go by fast. Friday is pay day!

I’m supposed to take my dog to the vet on Friday for an ultrasound.  To make sure he doesn’t have cancer.  My whole heart believes that he doesn’t.  I surely hope he doesn’t. He is like my child and he is one of the few things that makes my world go around. If he does.. I will get through it. Hopefully he doesn’t though.

Starting a new book tonight. Going to start reading while I cook my chicken on the grill. Hopefully it will be a lot cooler by then.

Have a great Sunday evening and a great work week.

9/28/19 @ 5:42pm

Mood: crappy… I’m still sick, tired, irritable, annoyed at life

The dogs had me awake at 9am. I’ve just been in a bad mood all day. Annoyed. I ate a lot of junk yesterday and I didn’t get to sleep in my own bed last night. && I am still sick. That’s enough to put someone in a crappy mood.

I’ve been sitting on my butt all day not doing a dang thing. Just a crappy day.

I always say oh I hope I find love. Blah blah blah. But when I think about it. Geez I would hate someone to love me like I am right now. I walk around looking like a bum when I’m not working. I’ve just been lazy here lately. I’m moody. Bitchy. I never smile… Why in the world would I want anyone to get to know me right now?

Even if I don’t have anything interesting to say… It’s important for me to document my feelings. I can see improvement since my abilify was upped.

Have a good night. ✌

9/27/2019 @ 2:12pm

Mood: Neutral

I want to start by talking about yesterday. Wow yesterday was very interesting. As you might know, I was super depressed the day before yesterday. Yesterday I wasn’t really that depressed. The first part of the day went really well. I got to spend 2 hours of alone time with ***. We actually looked at 3 jobs together. I sure have missed the alone time with him. Anyway… like I said…The first part of the day was great. Then at about 2pm I started feeling super anxious and depression hit me hard. I was doing just fine and then all of a sudden bam. My racing thoughts were so bad that I could barely function. Seriously. I was scared to drive. It’s crazy when I am depressed, anxious, and feeling manic at the same time. I eventually had to take an Ativan and about 2 hours later I felt a lot calmer. My racing thoughts were still there but not as bad..

I woke up today feeling so much better. My thoughts were back to normal and I didn’t have that sick to my stomach feeling this morning.. everything has been pretty good.

I am going to my dad’s later this evening. He is going out of town so I am babysitting his dogs for him.

I think it’s so weird when my mood/mental state shifts so fast and so significantly.  I know I’ve always been moody but I use to not notice when my mood changed.  Before medication, I would go from happy/goofy to pissed off or depressed multiple times a day. Now.. I normally stay the same most of the time. I’m either doing good or I’m doing bad.. But it usually is the same all day. Besides when I wake up feeling depressed but the feeling goes away. I really understand why bipolar is considered a disability. It’s very crippling…. I cannot wait until I reach the point where I am more stable and know what to do when a roller coaster takes me away out of no where. I obviously need to educate myself more about my illness so feel free to post comments and educate me.

I am still trying to figure out if I am really depressed when I think I am neutral.  I have lost interest in things for over a year now. I don’t laugh or smile much.  I don’t really feel bad about myself most days.. Occasionally yes, but not most days…  I do sometimes wake up dwelling about something bad.  And I have that feeling in my stomach almost every morning. I feel like my cognitive skills aren’t up to par either but I think that has more to do with recovering from a psychotic break from last year. My memory is terrible too. I know most people will say you would know if you’re depressed. I don’t know if that’s true. I think it would depend on the magnitude of your depression. There is different levels.

From about 8/1/18 to about 2/1/19 I was severely depressed.  Suicidal.  Writing goodbye notes and making plans.  Waking up sick to my stomach and having that feeling all day.  Barely able to make myself get out of bed to go to work. I wouldn’t even shower regularly.  Ruminating on what I think was going to happen in my future.  Thinking about my granny and my dog dying. About my little cousin being put in foster care. Being homeless. Dying alone. Being single the rest of my life. I was thinking this stuff all day every day.  Every day.  So obsessed with my thoughts I had a hard time doing anything. I couldn’t focus. Luckily I just worked in the back of a restaurant. I did burn myself all the time though. I finally was able to snap out of that with the right medication and life changes. My point is .. Maybe I’m not as depressed as I use to be but I am still depressed and have grown numb to it. I know there is still something wrong with me and I am trying to figure out if this is just my life now or will things get better.

I am going to write about my last pychosis one day next week. I thought Trump was out to kill me and that Russia was going to drop a nuclear bomb on my house.

9/25/2019 @ 8:02pm

Mood: I am okay… Not depressed today. I just feel tired. I wish I could say I was happy. I mainly don’t feel anything. It’s almost like I am emotionally numb.

I went another day without going to the gym. I barely got 5 hrs of sleep last night so I was really tired after work. I just couldn’t sleep last night. I kept waking up dwelling about negative stuff. I did wake up with that depressed feeling in my stomach but I wake up with that feeling most days. It just normally goes away.

Work was okay. I didn’t get much accomplished because I felt so tired and unmotivated. I really hope this gets better.

I get to spend an hour alone with *** tomorrow. We are going to look at a job together. I know this makes things harder on me but I’m really looking forward to it.

I cooked hamburger steaks when I got home. Grilled onions & mushrooms with roasted broccoli. It was alright… Everything could have used more seasoning.  Oh well… I’ll do better next time. 

I’m watching big bang theory with my granny now. I just wanted to take a minute to write a quick post.

I’m going to read a little in my book before I go to bed. 

Have a good night. 💤

9/24/2019 @ 6:18pm

Mood: depressed

I just feel so bad about myself. I feel like I’m fat & ugly. That I’m lazy… That I will never find a man. That no one would want me like I am.

And I’m so tired all the time now. A side effect of Abilify is feeling tired. I felt tired most of the time before he upped my medication.. Now I’m miserably tired. I can drink 3 caffeine drinks throughout the day and still feel so tired. I use to only drink one or two. I feel like weights are strapped to my back… I am exhausted. I know exercising would help but I’ve gotten out of the habit and now it’s hard to make myself go to the gym when I feel so tired. I am my worse enemy. I know exercise is just as important as sleep and medication. Not only am I not exercising, I’m feeling really bad about myself for not exercising.

I was on a carb cycling diet and I lost some weight. Then I changed it up bc I was miserable going 2 days without carbs. It wasn’t a diet I could live by. I changed it up to a protein shake in the morning, a low carb snack, then a moderate carb lunch, fruit for a snack, and no carb super. The scales say I’m still losing weight but my stomach is getting bigger. I think this is bc I haven’t been drinking much water, I haven’t been drinking much of anything to be honest. So this is making me feel so bad about myself too.

Today has been a crappy day. *** did give me attention today and flirt with me but I know that nothing will ever happen between us. He is the first guy I’ve liked and even beem sexually attracted to in a long time. Not giving too much detail but we can never be together. I really like his attention and just being around him. I miss him when I don’t see him at work and over the weekend. We only talk at work. I think he might have some kind of feelings for me but not like I do for him. He is just a natural flirt and he doesn’t even mean to. The only reason I grew to care for him was bc he trained me for a couple of weeks at work and I was with him all day. I couldn’t stop myself from developing feelings for him. He was the first guy to give me attention in so long. It really sucks that we can never be together. I hope I can meet another guy and get to know them like I did ***. There was no pressure of dating, having sex, trying to impress anyone, etc. It was just a friendship that evolved into me having feelings for him. I think he likes me too but he has never told me. I hope and pray that God sends me someone like him one day…

On top of all of this I am starting to get sick. My body aches, my nose is stuffy, my throat is dry and scratchy, and I have pressure in my head. I do not handle being sick well. I act like I have the flu when I have a chest cold. So this is not cool.

I went by the library today and checked out a couple books. I have a 6th grade vocabulary so I found a book in the youth section. I am trying to start small and use it to broaden my vocabulary and improve my reading skills. I really want to be able to read things and understand them better than I do. I have always had a hard time reading. I use to fail the Reading EOG and would make 5s , top scores in NC, in Math. They would take me out of class for special lesson to try and teach me how to comprehend what I read. I have a hard time understanding what I read, conveying my thoughts orally, and I have a hard time understanding someone when they explain stuff to me unless they show me how to do something while they explain. Reading and vocabulary building is on my to do list to better myself. I’ve read a couple different books in the past 4 months but I haven’t read anything in a week and half. I’ve been so exhausted and drained and have a hard time picking out books bc I haven’t been reading long enough to know what Author’s I like or what genre I like. So if you have a must read list please comment.

I’m going to watch some stand up comendy on youtube ( I need a good laugh) watch NCIS at 8 (Zeva is back) and read a little before bed. Not sure what or if I will be cooking super tonight. I feel terrible.