Mood: depressed. I’ve been depressed all week. Waking up sick to my stomach, not being able to remember things, and having a hard time doing my job.
This week has been so hard. I’ve barely been able to make it through the day. I’m not sure if it’s because of that guy at work or because of the time of year. It could also be a combination. I’m so obsessed with that guy. I constantly pay attention to his every move and word. The thought of him being with another woman really hurts me and drives me crazy. He has been constantly coming to my cubicle ever since he figured out something was wrong with me. It really makes it hard on me. Him giving me constant attention is not what I need right now. It makes me think he likes me and then I’m more obsessed than normal. I’ve had to take Ativan on 4 different occasions this week. I try to avoid it but my anxiety has been through the roof. I was obsessing so bad that I was unable to do my job. I couldn’t concentrate or think clearly. My nerves were so tore up. I cried a few times. My life is so hard right now. I’m not sure why I get like this over guys. I almost feel like my heart has been broke and a little of me died inside.
I just wish he would leave me alone. Just leave me alone….. He knows that’s what I want. That’s what I need. I cannot be his friend anymore. I don’t even want to look him in the face anymore. I want to forget that he exists. I know this is very immature but he has really affected my mental health. I am going to need my medication upped. 30mg of Ability and 200mg of lamictal. 30mg of Ability will zombify me. It’s what I need to get by. I really need this job. I cannot let anything or anyone impact it in a negative way. I’ve already layed out of work one day because of it. I never miss work. Especially over my depression and obsessive thoughts.
I feel like this situation will really make me stronger once I get over it. It has to right? That has to be what’s going on in my life. It’s the only thing I will let myself believe. That God is making me strong and one day I’ll be happy.
I don’t go to church but I love God so much. God-the creator of the universe. Jesus. I don’t understand all of these different religions and I don’t completely agree with everything in the bible, but I do believe and trust God.
I know some people have a hard time believing in God because of all the bad things happening around us. I almost lost faith one time. I had a hard time understanding why I deserved or why anyone would have a mental illness. And why so many bad things happen. I’m not really sure why… But I do know that I’ve always been taken care of and I’m blessed beyond words. Maybe God can’t control everything and maybe he did make a mistake when he created people with messed up brains. People say that God don’t make mistakes. You can’t make me believe that because I will never believe that he would purposely create anyone with a mental illness. It’s obvious that I don’t know much about him but I do know he wouldn’t purposely make me this way. Or maybe I’m this way because of the trauma I have experienced growing up. I was taken away from both of my mothers. I don’t remember being taken away from my real mom but I know my body remembers. I do remember, like yesterday, when I had to move out of my granny’s and move in with my dad at 10 years old. It was the worse feeling that I’ve ever experienced. I was homesick everyday.
I’m not sure why but I have to believe that something happened. I can’t believe that God made me this way. I struggle so much.
I’m trying to accept my life the way it is. I try to tell myself… It is what it is… Just accept it or let it go. I know everyone is tired of hearing about this guy… I’m tired of thinking and talking about him myself. It’s just something I need to get out of my system. I cannot help what my brain thinks. All I can do is make myself think about something else when I think about him. It’s really hard though. It is what it is. I’m so glad it’s the weekend. I can finally relax and I don’t have to see him for 2 days. So grateful for that.
I woke up sick to my stomach depressed and anxious this morning. That guy from work will be back at work tomorrow. Can you imagine liking someone so much and then thinking that every time that person leaves the office that they are going to have sex with another woman? Can you imagine what that feels like? It is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. I cannot make myself think anything different from what I already think. Anyway…
My mom came to visit this weekend… for those of you who didn’t read my last post. I was really worried about it because I was scared that she was going to get drunk and we would end up arguing the whole time. We actually didn’t argue at all and she didn’t drink either. She was a little irritable but I managed to bite my tongue and not make things worse. She was only here for 24 hours but I was ready for her to go when she left. Not because she is annoying or because she was irritable… just because I cannot stand being around someone for so long. I don’t think I will ever be able to live with someone. I could not imagine having someone around me all the time. Maybe it would be different if it was good company. I’m not really sure. I feel so bad for talking this way about my mom. I feel so bad for her. She doesn’t take any medication and her bipolar is really bad. Worse than anyone I know. She has never had a psychosis before though. She is almost 50 years old and has been single for over 10 years… She is almost 50 and she looks like she is literally 65. I don’t think my mom will ever find anyone. I think she will be alone for the rest of her life. There is a chance that I might be alone the rest of my life. I have no idea… I feel bad for talking bad about her publicly even if no one will ever know who I am talking about. I know I said she was never really there for me throughout my life.. but I think she really does love me and would do anything for me. Maybe she has never been the mother that I needed but I do think I have a friend that I can always trust.
I have been depressed and anxious all day long. I really don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. I really don’t want to see that guy anymore. I’ve been praying all week that something would happen and it would break him and his new girlfriend up. Or that I will wake up and not like him anymore. Something has to change. Going to work is going to be so hard on me.
Mood: Idk…. Not mad or depressed but I sure ain’t happy either. Maybe neutral or depressed and not feel it.
I got absolutely nothing done at work today. I’m not sure if it was because I was ready for the weekend or because I was tired or maybe depressed. I didn’t wake up with that sick to my stomach feeling though. But you never know… I could still be depressed.
I just drunk a 16oz red bull and it just kicked in.. So I’m feeling pretty good at the moment. The only reason I did a red bull is because I have to clean my granny’s house. I know it’s late and it might not be the best option for my mental health.. But it was needed to get me through what I’m about to do. If you saw the house… You’d understand. My little cousin is having a friend over tomorrow so I need to get it done today. My mom is coming to see me tomorrow too. My mom is bipolar and on a complete different level than me. She is wide open… Getting angry literally like once or twice an hour. I’m a little worried because I think she is really going to stress me out. That’s not what I need right now. It’s sad that I can’t be happy that my mom is coming to see me. She is going to get drunk and expect me to keep up with her. I’m going to try and get my house cleaning done before she gets here tomorrow so she doesn’t feel the need to do anything. Hopefully we can get along so nothing crazy happens. The one time I went to jail was because of her… I was 21 and we were drinking together. She took a Xanax and was an angry drunk. She put her hands on me and let’s just say I put my hands back on her. She grabbed me by the hair and put my head in the floor of her car. We got into a fist fight and it lasted for like 20 minutes. She called the cops on me and when I told them she put her hands on me first…we both went to jail and I ended up bailing her out of jail!
Just a brief history… She hasn’t really been apart of my life and has never did anything for me. I might see her once or twice a year. I moved in with my grandparents when I was a baby and they raised me until I was 10 years old. My mom hardly ever came to see me and when I would go to her house (very rarely) she would leave me and my brother alone for hours. Running the roads doing drugs. Let’s just say I don’t have much respect for her. But she is still my mom and I love her. I don’t understand why though.
Today has been a very unproductive day. I’ve been lazy all day and had no motivation to do anything. I’ve literally been eating on something all day. I attempted to quit smoking and it lasted for 4 weeks but I started back today. Not really sure why my appetite has been through the roof. I had lost like almost 10 pounds but I swear I think I put on 5 pounds today from eating so much. I crave sugar like crazy. I could eat a spoon full of sugar I think.
I’ve just been so lazy here lately. I only worked out 3 different times this week. I haven’t been taking care of myself like I should. That’s probably another reason my mental health has been so messed up. I seriously can tell a huge difference when I’m eating healthy and exercising. I really think diet and exercise is the key to a stable life. I know some people may not agree but for me personally… It really is. It’s just hard to push yourself to do anything when you are obsessively thinking about someone or you are depressed. It’s hard to just get out of bed when you’re depressed much less do cardio.
I can’t seem to get this bipolar thing under control. I don’t have enough self discipline to do the things I need to do. I’m lazy and unmotivated. I suck at life most days. Yes… I really do. I’ve been told that I was strong… After thinking about it… I am pretty strong. I’ve been through a lot of shit. Being locked up in the hospital is very traumatic. It’s happened to me 4 times. My dad has been so abusive my whole life… I’ve been in some really dark places but I’ve pulled myself out of it every time. Just the emotional torture of my childhood is enough to break someone. Luckily I always had someone that loved me. Dealing with my mental illness like I do says a lot. It’s obvious my mental illness is bad and I have a hard time functioning in society. But I still manage to do it and not give up. Disability sounds so much better than going through what I go through every day. I’m so stuck in my head with no kind of mental stimulation. I’m not suicidal but I always wish I was someone else. I’m so isolated… I am perfectly comfortable being this way. I just wish I could talk to people. Just so I wouldn’t feel so anxious about it. Just so I wouldn’t be thought as the weird one. So many people try to talk to me and I just don’t know what to say. I just try to run from it. It’s very hard. I can’t help but wonder if I’m like this because I’m recovering from a psychosis. It’s been over a year though. My psychosis did last 5 months… Does anyone know about this stuff? I just don’t think my brain works the same anymore.
Don’t get me wrong. I know some people have been through some real shit and made it through it. They are super strong…
I still can’t help but agree that I’ve been strong too. My life has been crazy. It’s very lonely.
My goal is to spend all my free time working on myself in some kind of way. To do things to better myself. To grow and become a better person. I feel like I’ve been trying to do this for months and haven’t accomplished anything. But I know that isn’t true. I’ve accomplished a little. I just still have a long way to go and I kinda hit a bump in the road. The quitting smoking thing and they guy at work thing really messed me up. I know I need to quit again but I feel like I really need to focus on getting through this thing with this guy before I try to take nicotine away from my body.
Today sucked like my new normal. I was tripping on two different occasions today. Actually 3 now that I think about it. Number 1 of course was about that stupid guy. He isn’t at work this week either. I keep imagining him with her. Kissing, touching, f***ing. You name it… I think it. My friend calls that being obsessed. I think I might agree but I don’t know how to stop. My dad says he can flip a switch in his head and not care about someone. I really don’t see how that’s possible. It’s like I make myself think about it. I’ll catch myself thinking about something else then I’ll bring myself back to thinking about it. It’s very unhealthy I know. I can only imagine how bad it’s going to be next week… When he is back at work and I have to see it and live it. Screw that man. I want a new job!
The other situation was when this lady at work went to lunch without asking me if I wanted to go. I thought her and another co-worker slipped out for lunch and just didn’t ask me. So that plus my bad day just upset me. I cried at one point. It just made me super sad. The funny thing is I wasn’t even hungry and I didn’t want to go out for lunch. I just wanted to be asked. I later asked her where they went for lunch and I found out that they didn’t even go out to lunch together….
Another situation… Well I think this other co-worker doesn’t like me and is out to get me. I always go back and forth thinking that about everyone. It’s really sad to be honest. It continues to disrupt my quality of life. It really sucks that you can’t go to work and feel relaxed and safe. That’s where I spend 48 hours of my life every week.
I went to kickboxing tonight and it went good like normal. Besides the fact we started 4 minutes late. I pay $20/HR for these personal training lessons… And a few minutes add up. I talk to my coach about my problems and he brought up a good point today, like always… He told me that 90% of the time a situation really isn’t like what you think it is. That I am reading people the wrong way or feeling a certain way for no reason. This is 100% true… But I don’t know how to flip the switch to not feeling or caring. Reading a situation wrong really messes up my mood. Obviously.. I’m not really sure what to even do about it because that’s what bipolar is. We are all so sensitive to everything around us. I can feel a vibe or negative energy but I never know the reason behind it. I assume it’s about me or about something that relates to me. It’s always about me in my head. I don’t mean to be this way or even like that I am this way. Half the problems I have are the ones I brought onto myself for reading situations and people the wrong way. Just like the guy at work… I swear I thought he liked me too. I was so wrong about that. I probably wouldn’t have even let myself catch feelings if I knew how he really felt about me. I’m not sure… I know I need to stop talking about him but it’s really affecting my life right now so I think it’s important for me to talk about it until I don’t think about it. Or maybe I should not talk about it so I don’t think about it as much. I’m not sure… But anyway… Reading things the wrong way has really been a huge part of my life. It has caused me so much pain and drove me crazy on multiple occasions. My coach thinks we can control our minds and allow it to think what we want it to think. I just don’t think this is possible for everyone. I’m going to try it but I don’t think it’s possible.
That’s all I really have for tonight. Goodnight everyone.
My mood has been ALL OVER THE PLACE since I last posted. I’ve been angry, happy, so obsessed I couldn’t function, sad… You name it, I’ve been it. The last time I went to the doctor he said “I see no signs of bipolar”… That was total bs. I like my doctor… don’t get me wrong… He has crazy good credentials. But I can’t help but think the 15 minutes that he spends with me is not enough for him to make a statement like that. Just last week.. I was tripping about that guy from work so bad that I laid out of work and could barely function. The guy is screwing that girl I was talking about. It’s so obvious it’s ridiculous and I have to see it every single freaking day. All of everything is total b.s.. I’m so tired of thinking… I’m going to win this battle… There is no winning the battle. The only thing that I can do is develop a lifestyle that helps me tolerate all the crap that I deal with everyday. I’ve taken so many medications. When I finally found something that worked… Shit went wrong in my life and completely f***** up everything. Obviously I’m having a bad night tonight. It’s been bad for over 2 weeks. I’m okay though… Life goes on. Not going to write this pitty me story. Why should you pitty me? There is people out there who can’t even work because their illness is so bad. Who is all alone. Some are homeless. Some can’t even afford medication. There is people out there getting raped, beat, neglected, starved.. Etc. The world is a f upped place. Why should anyone feel sorry for me? I can go to work, I have a home, I have a family that loves me, I have a car…etc. This life I live has been this way since I was in diapers. I don’t know any different. Yeah it suckssssssssssss… But it could be sooooo much worse. In the past month I have completely fell face first on the ground… But I’m picking myself up.. Dragging one foot in front of the other. Counting down the days before I can find a new job. I’m trying to hold it all together. Holding it together for my granny and little cousin. I cannot fail. I will not fail. I may lose one game but I will keep playing until I win.
I pray that I make it through another day without walking out on my job. I pray that I can keep my mouth shut. The guy at work is going to get me fired man. I’ve already talked mad shit. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve really got myself in a crappy situation. My mental health is so bad right now because of that stupid guy at work. The guy who is not worth a second thought. So many other guys in the world… So many. I’m letting one guy seriously ruin my life. If you only knew how far down hill I’ve have gone over this stupid guy.
I know. I know… He isn’t worth is. I KNOW THIS. I cannot help what my brain thinks. I’m seriously obsessed or something and I get this way over every guy that I like. I’m never going to let myself like anyone else. I can guarantee that. It’s not sad either… I’m 100% okay being alone.
Today has been okay. I slept like 12 hours last night though. I know this is really bad but I average about 6hrs of sleep each night during the week so I like to think I was catching up on sleep. If that’s even really a thing…
I went to town today with my little cousin. We went to a costume store to buy accessories and a mask for the Halloween costume she wanted to make. Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart and then the grocery store. We were gone for over 3 hours… The day flew by. When I got home I watched TV with my granny for a little bit and then helped my cousin make her Halloween costume. Now I’m just watching TV again. Such an interesting life, right? I haven’t been that productive today besides the little bit of laundry I did this morning. I really want to do my weekly cleaning on my house tonight but I will probably just wait until tomorrow. I can’t help but be so lazy on the weekends. I’m usually very busy during the week.
I think I am going to take a break from social media. I find myself creeping and scrolling a lot. I like to see what’s going on in other people’s lives because I don’t really have a life obviously. Weird or not.. That’s what I do. I’m not really sure how to change that since I have no one to hang out with. I know there are websites used to meet people and find friends but that’s just weird in my opinion. I like being at home but I wish I had more going on in my life at the same time. I guess the only thing missing in my life is someone to enjoy life with. Or live life with. I’m talking about a friend or boyfriend. I do have one friend but we really don’t hang out or talk enough to even talk about. She has a boyfriend that lives with her. It’s always so weird for me when I hang out with both of them. She never really asks to hang out anyway. I normally initiate everything. She did at one time but I never would hang out with her because I was in a very dark place. It is what it is… I am going to try not to worry about this stuff and hope that everything falls into place one day. I know it will but I don’t know when. I really hope it does before my granny passes away. I will be lost if it doesn’t because I spend allll my free time with her and my little cousin. It’s unhealthy if you ask me. I’m too attached to her. I could not imagine what I would go through if something happened to her right now. I know it’s not good to think about but I can’t but help but think about it sometimes. Geez I need a life. Or at least stay at home more than I do. Don’t worry, be happy. If only I could do that…
I bought a lottery ticket tonight. OMG if I won the lottery I would go back to school to become a Dietician/Nutritionist. Unless it was the jackpot and then I would open up an animal sanctuary. We all know I wasted $3 though. (And there is no way I could go back to school and work full time)
Day 14 without a cigarette. Considering they say nicotine is as addicting as heroin, I’m feeling pretty good about it.
I’ve lost over 5 pounds since I started my diet. 8 pounds actually… It’s been about a month.
So this week has been really long. I’m so glad it’s finally the weekend. I’ve grown tired of my job… which really sucks. My relationship with *** is still weird.. But I’m handling everything a lot better than I was. The girl I was jealous of actually got fired. I still think they have something going on and it drives me crazy. I’ve been trying to look at it as a blessing. He won’t try to mess with me anymore… I couldn’t be with him anyway. Things are still weird but it’s nothing like it use to be. I actually started being shy in the office at one point because I felt so uncomfortable about the rejection. I know this might be confusing. Rejection? You said you couldn’t be with him? I still felt rejection after I told him how I felt because he didn’t feel the same. What would have happened if he did feel the same? I’ve realized things would have been more complicated. Anyway…
Nothing too exciting has happened in my life. I feel like my mental health has been better considering how bad it was last week. I feel so much better since I quit smoking.
Kickboxing is still going great. It’s like therapy… Not only am I exercising but I’m able to hit things to release this 20 years of built up anger. Not to mention my personal trainer makes me laugh like no other and he talks to me about the things that’s on my mind that day. He is a philosopher and he is very wise. I really like his views about life. Kickboxing is one of the best things that is happening in my life right now. I love it. I don’t always feel like going but I make myself go anyway. And I feel great afterwards. I do the same thing with going to the gym. I’m still so tired all the time so I really have to push myself to do anything. It took everything I had to clean my granny’s house today.
I went to the library after work and checked out 2 non fiction books. I’ve realized that if I’m going to read I might as well learn something along the way. I flipped through my books and everything I read was interesting. I’m about to start reading the rest of the evening. I literally cannot wait to start reading these books. Other than school text books… I’ve never read non fiction. I think I found a new love.
Yesterday was a bad day. I was so busy at work and barely got anything done. I was so depressed it was hard to get anything done. I came home and took a nap and felt a lot better when I woke up. It was very surprising. I’ve felt okay ever since my nap. Last night I worked on cleaning my house and doing laundry. My little cousin came over and dust for me. We watched some stand up comedy afterwards and greys anatomy. Ordered pizza and just chilled. I love my quality time with her. She is my baby girl. She is 12 but will always be my baby girl.
I slept over 10 hours last night. Not sure if my body was catching up on sleep or if I am still depressed. It’s so weird that you can be depressed and not even know it. Either way today has been a good day. I went to Wal Mart and went out to eat with my granny and little cousin. I’m about to go to the movies with my dad and step mom. We are going to watch Joker. I wanted to watch Gemini man but my dad wants to watch the Joker. All the brutal violence isn’t something I care to even watch. I guess it will be better than going to the movies by yourself…. Maybe?
If you ever read my about me then you are probably wondering why I would want to go the movies with my dad and step mom. I just try to forgive…. It was a long time ago and they both were young. They have such a good relationship now that I can’t help but try to forgive her… And my dad is just my dad. I have to forgive him and try to forget the past. He does love me a lot and I love him too.
I’ve realized it was so silly for me to be tripping over a guy. I’m not really sure if these feelings will be different when I go back to work on Monday. My low self esteem is why rejection is so hard. I need to learn how to love myself before I ever get in a relationship.
I’m so thankful that I am feeling better today. I’m definitely going to church tomorrow.
Okay so today makes 6 days without a cigarette. I feel like I’m going insane. I’m not sure if I will be able to do this or not.
I’ve been depressed all day. Tired. Irritable. Anxious with racing thoughts. It’s been horrible. One of the hardest days so far.
I did manage to get a few things accomplished today but there was a half of dozen other things I could have done. I remember walking in the bathroom and feeling like I was floating looking at my own body. I couldn’t help but ask God why me. I’m sure from reading my post you are seeing that I’m losing my mind over here. I read that it takes up to 3 months for your chemicals in your brain to adjust after you quit smoking. I’m not sure if I can handle this.
It was so bad about 30 minutes ago I tried to meditate but I kept thinking about how I’ve been acting like a fool at work bc of ***. My whole personality has changed. I’m shy and insecure. Everything has changed. I felt like my head was going to explode with racing thoughts. I don’t want anyone around me. Everyone is getting on my nerves. I’m really starting to have trouble functioning like normal. Scary but it’s the truth.
I did pray and ask God to make it go away… I actually feel 10xs better now. Still not 100% and I know it will only come back.
I am about to go to kick boxing so hopefully I will feel better afterwards.
I just talked to my old doctor on the phone. She let me know it’s okay to be a homebody and to be isolated. Some people are just this way. There is nothing wrong with me. She thinks that my ability to socialize depends on my confidence. I have a very low self esteem so that’s why I have a hard time socializing. I talked to her about *** and she said you have a reason to be depressed. You’re going through the real thing and it’s just going to take time to get over it. She told me I should talk to a therapist and I think that is something I am going to look into doing. To help build confidence. She made me realize that I always blame everything on my illness and sometimes the way you are is just you. And that you have to become comfortable with yourself. If you are happy being at home away from people.. Then do what makes you happy. Don’t worry about being like everyone else. I don’t have to talk to strangers to learn how to socialize. It will come natural when I build confidence in myself. And some people are just quiet and do better with one on one socialization. And that’s me. I realize I am who I am bc God made me this way. So I am going to try and love myself the way I am and not worry about being like someone that I’m not. I’m happy with being home. I’m okay with being anti social. I just never thought it was acceptable. I thought something was wrong with me. There is a lot of people who are just like me. Maybe I will find a guy that’s like me one day. I’m still depressed but I feel so much better about myself.