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Introduce Yourself

I have a B.S. in Mechanical Engineering and I have a severe case of bipolar 1 and have been fighting for 9 years now. I know that I will eventually win the battle… I am writing this blog in attempt to reach someone else like me and inspire them to never give up. I know that their is a lot of successful people with bipolar disorder Who have it under control… But there is also a lot that does not. These posts are a way for me to describe the life of someone who lives with bipolar, to document my progress, to bring awareness, to let someone know that they are no alone, and just something I do for therapy.

About me

My parents divorced when I was 2 years old and I moved in with my grandparents.  My grandparents raised me until my dad re-married when I was 10.  It was very traumatic for me when I had to move in with my dad and leave my grandparents.  My dad and mom both have a severe case of bi-polar and neither one of them is on medication… this caused a really rough childhood emotionally.  I was neglected by my step mom, verbally & mentally abused by my dad, and was taken away from both of my moms. Everyone has their own story… Mine just isn’t as bad as some people’s. I later moved with my aunt when I was 15 because I lost my virginity and my dad flipped out. I went to bed home sick every night when I lived with my dad so I finally felt at home when I moved in with my aunt because she lived right beside my granny.

I was a little wild in high school.  Experimenting with drugs and alcohol, skipping school, smoking cigarettes, and doing just about anything you weren’t supposed to do.  That all changed when I went to college.  I turned 180 degrees and turned into a completely different person.  I stopped drinking and experimenting with drugs. 

I had my first psychosis in 2010.  I was prescribed Cymbalta and it caused me to go manic and that resulted in a psychotic break.  I’ve had two since 2010 because I quit taking my medication on two different occasions.  My last psychosis was in 2018.  Once I came back to reality I sunk into a deep depression for 8 months straight.  I’ve never experienced anything like that before. I feel so bad for the people who live with that type of depression every day.  I was suicidal at one point during those 8 months and was admitted back into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I’m doing a lot better now.  I have a great job and I am finally really serious about my mental health. Diet, exercise, and medication is key.

Bipolar has stolen a lot from me but mainly because I let it.  It has stolen intimate relationships, love, and happiness.  It has caused me to make some really big mistakes in my life but I try not to let my past hold me back.  I want to be the best person I can be.  I might fall down sometimes but I get back on my feet stronger than I was before. 

I call myself JI Jane because I like to think of myself as a bipolar warrior because I refuse to lose this battle against bi-polar.  Although I know this battle will continue for the rest of my life… I try very hard to do my part so I can have some kind of control.  I can never control the cycles but I can control what I do when I am depressed or manic and what I do to minimize the frequency of my cycles. 

I have a lot of areas that I need to work on but Rome wasn’t built in a day.  I’m just taking it day by day.

This online journal is a way I can track my progress and it is a way to give someone insight on what it’s like to live with bi-polar disorder. I am actually doing very well at the moment.  I found the right medication… it only took 9 years but I found it.  I was going crazy for about 3 years when I was on the wrong medication.  I discontinued that about 6 weeks ago. 

 

7/21/2020 @ 5:45am

Mood: neutral

I didn’t meet any of my goals yesterday. I almost did until about 8pm,

Today is going to be a long day because I have a 3 hr meeting at lunchtime! I told my co-worker we will need to grab a late breakfast to eat during lunch.

Yesterday was an okay day. I kind of got over the fact that that guy called me crazy 😔. I hate when people call me crazy. I’m really only crazy half of the time and I act normal more than I act crazy. And some people would even say that I act normal all the time. I think I act normal but I don’t always think normal. I can never tell when I’m having crazy thoughts unless I sit down and think about it. It really sucks though. I cannot help that I’m this way and I act on impulse so it’s extremely hard to control it.

I don’t think I’m going to attempt to talk/meet anyone for a long time. I’m just not ready for that kind of stress.

I plan to go to a comedy show by myself this weekend. I have no one to go with and I really want to go. Not sure if that’s crazy or not but I did google it. Turns out a lot of people ride solo to different clubs/bars etc. I go out to eat alone all the time. I don’t see how this would be any different. Since it will be a live show, I doubt I’ll have to worry about any random person coming to talk to me. I like to avoid that too… I know it has to be unhealthy not to socialize. And I’ll never learn how to talk to people if I don’t practice. I’m just not ready to practice today… maybe that’s a terrible excuse. I have issues and I’m scared to wonder outside of my personal bubble. The world is a very scary place to me. I hope to grow up eventually. Not really sure why it’s taking me so long… Doc says it’s part of my mental illness… I think it’s far more than that. I feel like the only person with bipolar who has matured so late. Maybe it has something to do with all the situations that I try to avoid. I’m very responsible now and have been for the past 5 or so years, but I was irresponsible to a certain extent before that. I’m not sure what my problem is but at least I recognize that I have issues. I try to fix them but it’s easier said than done and I’m kind of lazy when it comes to doing anything that is difficult. I realize no one or nothing will be able to help me unless I help myself.

I guess I’m out for the day ✌️

7/18/2020 @ 10:36pm

Mood: doing alright

So I’ve noticed that every time I get involved with a guy then I tend to become hyper focused on it. Not necessarily on him but on the whole idea of meeting someone and developing a relationship. My life goes from normal to pure chaos. The world could be crashing and burning but as long as my phone is in my hand I don’t notice anything. This is sad but kind of true to a certain extent.

This past week was ridiculous. I didn’t know what to talk to him (the person I was supposed to go a date with) about so I just bombed him with questions 😒 I was asking questions to learn all about him. I know that has to be annoying. Is this something normal for a girl to do? Come on fellas, help me out.

I just feel like I didn’t go to meet him bc I cannot handle rejection at this time, idk… I don’t love myself and I don’t have confidence. Once I have those two things, I think I could date someone. Is this a problem? I know my family and best friend got really upset with me for canceling, I don’t think they understand the part about rejection, I cannot take a chance ……..rejection…….would have ruined me. At this time, I feel as if rejection would have stopped me from ever dating anyone again.

I hate that I am like this. This is why I choose not to date anyone. I don’t feel lonely if I don’t try to talk to someone. My life is thrown all out of order. I’m not even taking care of my normal responsibilities. I’m so wrapped up in my phone. Idk what’s my problem, I was doing pretty good before I downloaded that stupid dating ap. I’m too scared to meet anyone anyway. It’s a waste of time and energy if I’m not going to go out with anyone. I plan to delete the ap after I post this…

On another note, I started talking to a girl recently and holy cow was it so emotional. I feel as if I understand how guys feel when they talk to girls like me. She just talked about her feelings to me, too soon and too much. The second day she messaged me and said she couldn’t get me off her mind. I replied… Already? Lol <<she didn’t like that all>> we actually got in an arguement about it and I’m like dang we are already arguing. I quit talking to her bc I just wasn’t attracted to her like that and I didn’t want to hurt her. I wish some guys would have the decency to do the same, instead of ignoring someone…. After talking to her I realized that…. I would want a girl as a friend….. not a girlfriend, But would like a man to develop a relationship with. I need a someone that can protect me. And I’m not interested in studs. I say all this but I didn’t even give her a try. Maybe I should have at least went on one date with her. Bc I have always felt like I liked women too. Idk. I’m so complicated I know.

I’ve got to start diet and exercising. I’m eating way too much and I feel like crap bc I eat like crap. Not to mention I am gaining a lot of weight which also makes me feel like crap. I am going to try to start drinking at least 5, 16oz bottles of water everyday, no sweet drinks… and only eat 3 times a day Smaller portions. To me that’s a good first step. The only problem is I start doing something and then I quit. I’m a quitter. I hate that about myself. Everyone knows that I won’t stick with it or I don’t do what I say I’m going to do at times. I hate that about myself. All I can do is try to change it another time. Develop good habits and routines and try to follow them without stopping. I’m going to try to start over today.

Goals for today:

Delete dating app, drink plenty of water— no soft drinks, only eat three times a day (small servings), and bible study (get back on track with my routine).

7/17/2020 @ 2pm

Mood: doing alright y’all

I’m doing alright. Almost been 5 weeks without a cigarette. I sure am putting on the pounds too. I feel better for the most part. Just a little irritable and depressed at times.

Work is going okay. I was super busy last week and I didn’t get much done. I couldn’t concentrate and I just was living in chaos.

I met a guy on a dating site and we talked all week via text. We were supposed to go on a date tonight but I canceled yesterday. I just don’t think I am mentally ready for anything like that. Rejection would break me. This whole week I have lived in chaos. All I’ve done is text this guy. I wasn’t doing my work at work, and I didn’t stick with my routine. I completely stopped doing what I normally do bc I was so wrapped up in a guy that I’ve never even met. I canceled last night and I haven’t heard from him since. I really think that I need to be in a better mental place before I start dating. I only wish I had someone to hang out with. I wish I had a single friend. My best friend is married now and her husband don’t ‘allow’ her to do just anything. ‘Allow’ …..lol…. yeah I’ll never get married if I have to ask for permission to do anything. That’s crazy!

My life is pretty boring. That’s all I got for now.

7/11/2020 @ 11:45pm

Mood: feeling sad

I know I’ve posted 3 different times today. Today has just been bad. I know these feelings are so intense because of my mental illness. And the physical/mental symptoms of nicotine withdrawals doesn’t help. I’ve been an emotional wreck all day. I tried really hard to look pleasant at the wedding but then I would catch myself frowning. I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing about this wedding… anyway…

Have you ever felt like you were alone? Like you needed someone, anyone, to talk to… I’m not just talking about talking to get stuff off your chest, I’m talking about just having someone to talk to. I don’t really talk much at at all but I love hearing other people talk and I just throw in a few sentences here and there to let them know I’m listening. I wish I had that kind of person in my life. Girl or Guy. Just friends or more. Because I have no one. I was at my granny’s today all emotional/grouchy but I still needed someone to taLk to. She listens to me venting and It sometimes makes me feel better…. if you don’t really have a life outside of sitting at home then it’s probably hard to conversate with someone who doesn’t talk. I know I’m feeling sorry for myself, whatever that means… but it would be nice for someone to tell me I’m overreacting. Or tell me everything is going to work out. I feel okay now but at the time I really needed someone. I told my dad how miserable I was at the wedding (yesterday, when I was upset)…. he just got irritated at me because a week before I told him I thought I might be happy. He just said “so you were just miserable” Stephanie you just told me you were happy a week ago. He was irritated with me because I said I was miserable at the wedding. I mean damn instead of asking why he just basically tells me how can you be unhappy today when you were happy a week ago and he hates hearing me talk about negative stuff. How the heck am I supposed to be positive when I’m falling apart inside. He just didn’t help what so ever… he made it worse actually. I guess I cannot talk to him about my emotional problems. I called my mom too and just was emotional telling her how I felt about everything. She basically told me it was my choice to be like I was… it was my choice to be alone and not to talk. And if I knew what was going to happen (ending up alone) then there is no point in talking about it.

Look I realize I was an emotional mess yesterday but I really needed someone to talk to. At one point I cried because I literally had no one to talk to. My mom, dad, granny, and friend April is the only people I have to talk to. I’m sure everyone gets tired of me talking about what I think is going to happen. The doom and gloom.

Maybe all of this is my own problem and I need to change my thinking. Maybe there is times I should just journal and not talk about my feelings to someone. Maybe they have a reason to get it irritated with me. I’m not sure but yesterday I needed someone to tell me it was going to be alright. I feel like a child.

And I hate I’m such a bad friend to my so called best friend. Why couldn’t I be happy for her? I was just sad because I didn’t have what she had. And because of the night before.

I have so many issues that I need to work out but I don’t really know how. I need that change I’m looking for. Maybe diet and exercise is my answer. I just want to be happy with myself and my life. I don’t want to get sad over stuff like I have been. I don’t want to be neutral… I just want to be happy. I know that’s asking for too much but that’s what I want. I ask God all the time to be smart and well spoken, and to be able to talk about interesting stuff. I never really ask to be happy or to find love.

I know I have a lot of issues but what makes me different is that I recognize what things I need to change. I recognize most of the problems I have and I try to find solutions to those problems. I’m 100% better today. I don’t feel like an emotional wreck and I feel like everything will be okay. I have set goals for myself and I hope to have to self discipline to continue to do the things that I need to do.

And I realize a lot of this stuff I write should go in a personal journal… I just want people to see how F’ed up I am and hopefully when I tame my Illness or learn more about my body. They can read my blogs and say dang she use to be really F’ed up and now she is cool. What did she do? How can she help me? That’s all I want to do. Is to get better and make changes. I want to be a good example. I don’t want to seem like the person who only wants people to feel sorry for me. That’s really not my intention.

Hopefully God blesses me with the strength to change.

7/11/2020 @ 5pm

Mood: feeling down

The wedding went alright I guess. No one really knew what they were supposed to do but we seemed to pull it off alright. We really should have had a rehearsal. The bride looked gorgeous though. I still felt some type of way about last night all day. I know it’s just because I’m bipolar. I hate it… I’m crazy as hell. I was miserable all day. I tried to smile but my mood just wouldn’t let me. I don’t think I’m a good friend because I wasn’t happy for her. All I could think about was I’m never going to experience this. I know I will never get married. You can’t help but be lost in your feelings at a time like this. I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I just blame everything on my mental illness. It’s just not fair. Why have I been alone basically my whole life. I have no one to hold me or touch me or to just be there for me in that kind of way. Most of the time I don’t let it bother me but today all of my emotions hit me all at once. I know I’m a terrible friend. I guess I don’t deserve to have any friends. I should just be alone. I guess my heart is too dark to be happy for anyone because I’m too worried about myself…and my own happiness. I hate to even make this post public, but I wanted to get this off my chest. My heart is so sad today. I wish I could be someone else. I envy normal people. They have no idea what life is like living in my shoes. I can only hope and pray that I experience that change one day. I’m needing that change. I wish life wasn’t so hard. I can only hope and pray that I will find happiness one day.

7/11/2020 @ 1:40am

Mood: feeling down…

The wedding is less than 12 hours away and I think I am as nervous as the bride. I don’t do people that well and there is going to be 100 of them. I hate the way I look in my dress (it’s super ugly) and I’m scared I’ll see someone I went to school with. I try to avoid anyone I went to school with because I’m just not the same person as I use to be. I’m not as pretty, I’m overweight, I’m socially awkward, and I’m aging fast. It’s just night and day from who I use to be. I don’t mean to make this day about me but I’ve done a lot for this bride and I don’t think she really realizes how hard this has all been for me to handle mentally. She doesn’t appreciate it.

We went to a comedy show tonight for her bachelorette and it was really nice. The comedian was super funny and it was just nice to get out. There was four of us and I doubt I said two words all night though. I really hate that I’m this way…. but I did enjoy myself tonight.

The bride and her maid of honor came back to my house for the night and I felt totally left out. You can just tell they have a different kind of relationship. I guess because they are cousins and because they both just talk so well. I let them sleep in my bed tonight and I’m sleeping on the floor tonight. I hear them talking and laughing in my room with the door shut. It just makes me feel so bad. I just wish I was more fun. If it wasn’t for the bride taking my granny back and forth to dialysis when she doesn’t have a ride…. I probably wouldn’t even talk to her anymore after this. Even though she might continue to do it because she does get paid. Idk… This is why I don’t have any friends y’all. I’ve been this way my whole life. Is it me or is she being a shitty friend? Idk really know… it is her wedding but I’ve felt left out all day. Maybe it’s because of the way I am. I don’t really know. It makes me sad though.

Anyway…

In one day it will make 4 weeks since I’ve had a cigarette. I feel great and I’m so glad I gave that hobbit up. I have gained a lot of weight though. I guess it’s better to be overweight than smoke yourself to death. This week at work went by super fast. I was so busy. I took today off of work for the wedding festivities. I really needed to work too. I guess there is always Monday.

I’ve been trying to do Bible study as part of my routine every night. (Besides tonight because I’ve been so busy with other stuff) …I know that I should do Bible study to learn about God… I do want to learn about God but I’m also looking for that change. I feel that if I grow closer to God then maybe my life will turn around. Maybe I could find happiness. I know I will become a better person. I’m just really looking forward to that change. I hope that isn’t a bad thing.

My routine has been half way decent this week. I’m going to try to stick with everything I’ve been doing because I really do feel a difference. Hopefully I will continue to improve. I just want to be stable and happy. That’s not too much to ask I don’t think…..

Damn this floor is uncomfortable.

7/5/2020 @ 11:11am

Mood: neutral

I wish my mood would sometimes be happy instead of neutral or depressed. What’s missing in my life!? I guess I shouldn’t complain because I could wake up depressed everyday like a lot of people do.

The bridal shower went pretty good. Not many people showed up, maybe 10, but it was still nice. The decorations were beautiful, the games really helped bring everyone together, and the food was great. My best friend cried when she got there. When she hugged me and said thank you for everything it really made me feel good. it made the $300-$400 dollars I spent worth it. She loved her gift, I put a lot of thought into it. It was a personalized recipe box with her and her fiancé’s name on it. On the top it had a recipe for a happy marriage and it said from the kitchen of _______ and ______. She almost cried when she got that gift too. I nailed it! All of it! It really made my day great. Even though I was awkwardly silent… The maid of honor kind of asked me out too. That was a little awkward…… (not attracted to her at all)

The past few days have been super busy. I haven’t had time to do anything. I don’t even think I’ve had time to sit down and chill. I kind of like being busy but I still need leisure time. I’ve been so tired when I get in bed that I go to sleep fast and I sleep hard. I still wake up feeling tired but after my energy rush (caffeinated drink) I feel good. I’m so thankful that I do not wake up depressed everyday… I’ve really been thankful for everything I have too. The other day I stopped what I was doing and got on my knees to thank God for everything that I have been blessed with. I got cold chills during my prayer which makes me feel like he touched me to say you’re welcome. It may be a little silly but I’ve always felt that way. Well I feel that way when I’m praying or have special thoughts.

The wedding is less than a week away and I have 5 pounds to lose. I look fat in my dress and it makes me a little feel bad about my body. I’m just going to try and start exercising and drink a gallon of water everyday. No sweets, watch my carbs… and hope to lose a good 5 pounds of water weight. I’m supposed to curl the maid of honors hair for the wedding. I’m not too happy about that. My hair is going to be straight but Their hair will be curly…. :-/ oh ‘well… (I can’t curl my own hair). I don’t ‘girl too well. I definitely won’t be shining. The bride even told me that she wanted to shine and didn’t want us to shine too much……. even if we did shine, we wouldn’t be anywhere close to shining like she does when she is fixed up— in my opinion. I think she was mainly talking about me because she thinks I’m prettier than her I think… I’ve always felt like she was prettier than me. Who knows…..

I slept until 10am today and I feel like my day is going by fast. I woke up at 5:30 am the other day and felt better that day than I do today. I think I am going to try and start waking up at 5:30 everyday. I read another blogger’s post and she said waking up at the same time was apart of her routine. I guess it’s a way to set that internal clock. I really feel okay with only 6hrs of sleep. I feel good actually. I’m not a fan of taking naps though… I’ve had multiple people tell me how well routine helps them. I am going to try to start a routine of going to bed/waking up at the same time, eating at the same time, taking medication at the same time, doing chores in the same time frame, cooking, and leisure time at the same time. Hopefully once I develop the routine it will be easy to follow.

Today make 3 weeks since I’ve had a cigarette, I feel so much better. I feel like I’m going to make it this time.

Today is going to be another busy but restful day. I have a few things I want to get done. I will start my routine tomorrow morning.

Thanks for reading. Hope you’re having a good day. I will catch up on reading blog post later tonight.

6/1/2020 @ 5:35am

Mood: Doing alright….. I am really tired this morning.

I don’t really have that feeling in my stomach this morning, which is great.

My best friend’s bridal shower is on Saturday and I am decorating and hosting it. That’s is super scary since I am socially awkward and don’t do well talking in crowds. Her maid of honor hasn’t really done anything over the past 6 months. She hasn’t been involved in any wedding planning and didn’t help make the wedding decorations. You barely can get in touch with her most of the time. My friend told me that the only reason she made her the maid of honor is bc she is her cousin and her cousin made her maid of honor in her wedding. She told me she didn’t even think about how that would make me feel. It really hurt but I’ve tried not to let it bother me. I’ve just been there for her the best I could be. She told me a few weekends ago that she wanted me to be her maid of honor now because she wanted me standing beside her. I don’t know how I really feel about that one.

I have a few last minute things to do and all the bridal shower decorations will be complete. We (the maid of honor and I) are supposed to meet up to decorate on Friday evening. I’m a little worried about that because she hasn’t been there this whole time. Her parents are supposed to give her the key to the church so I have to depend on her to show up. I really don’t like depending on anyone for anything. This should be interesting….

Work will be super busy today. I have so much stuff to get done before tomorrow. I have about 6 construction prints to make in one day. It almost seems unrealistic but I have to get them done. I will work late if I have to.

Speaking of work…. I have worked for this company for 16 months now and I have grown as a person so much. I’ve never worked at the same place longer than 8 months. So this is quit an accomplishment. I remember when I first started… I was super depressed and doubted myself. I didn’t think I could do it and the fact that I had to communicate with customers, managers, coworkers… really discouraged me. I don’t do much talking but I do my job. I’m probably known as the weirdo because every conversation I’ve had with anyone was awkward at some point or another. And I have a hard time responding when people talk. I don’t ever know what to say….. I really hate that about myself now. My point is… it was super scary at first and I didn’t think I was qualified… but I did it and things are a lot easier now. My contract is supposed to end at the end of the year with a chance of being extended longer. Either way… I hope That I have worked here long enough to clean up my work history. I’m trying to walk in faith and leave it in God’s hands and not worry about it. Faith not fear.

Have a good day everyone.

6/30/2020 @ 4:50am

Mood: I feel a little depressed this morning.

I’m not sure what has changed but I did wake up feeling a little depressed. The feeling in my stomach and chest gives it away. It’s just one of those days I think. Or maybe because I took a stimulant yesterday. I know that was a bad idea but I didn’t know this until after I did it.

I went to bed around 11pm last night and woke up at 3:30am wide awake. I was up and down all night eating too. That’s why I don’t like keeping food at my house bc I wake up and eat all night. Ambien hasn’t really been working that great here lately… I guess bc I am having nicotine withdrawals and insomnia is a side effect.

When I change mentally/physically I always try to figure out what I did different to cause the change. Sometimes the change happens for no reason but a lot of the time I cause the change.

I read a fellow bloggers blog about routine this morning and it made me realize I really need a routine. That’s what I’ve always been taught but I never seem to follow through. Taking control of your bipolar takes a lot of work and I’m just too lazy to do what needs to be done. My introduction talks about winning the battle and never giving up. I don’t know who I was when I wrote that because I’m not even fighting at this time.

I think it’s crazy when I read past post… sometimes I don’t even feel like the same person. I would think if I had multiple personalities I would know… right? I guess it’s all about my mood and what motivates me??? All I know is I change a lot and never have the self discipline to stick with it.

My mom came to visit this past weekend. All we really did was spring clean my house (wrong time of the year I know). I paid her for helping me. She is poor and I couldn’t accept her help without paying her. The weekend was exhausting. My mom has bipolar too and she doesn’t take medication. She screams a lot and is very sensitive. She gets extremely mad very easily. I have to walk on eggshells. I was moody bc of nicotine withdrawals so I didn’t have the control I normally do. She talks non stop too and I can’t handle it at times. I just want to chill on my phone and not talk or listen to someone talk sometimes…. She doesn’t understand that… I love her to death though. My dad and granny hate that because she never did anything for me when I was growing up. She is my mom though and I love her. Not to mention she was the only one there for me during my last psychosis. But I know that doesn’t make up for the past. I just have to let that go because she is my mama….. jumping back to what I was talking about earlier….she is unmedicated and I wish she would get help. She doesn’t even realize how bad she is. When I say it’s bad… I mean it’s really bad. I use to be the exact same way before I got on medication. Now I’m just a bitch when I’m moody but I’m chill at the same time…. I don’t get extremely mad anymore over everything. My mom thinks just because she smiles and is happy around people outside her family/friends that she doesn’t have a problem. She just doesn’t show her true colors around people on the outside of her bubble. I am the exact same way unless I get super comfortable with that person. I feel bad for her though… she is 50 years old and is alone and has been that way for almost 20 years. Her only two friends died within the past 5 years and she is the black sheep of the family. She works her ass off and still scuffles. She has a $700 weed, alcohol, and cigarette habit though. I wish she would get help so her life would be easier. I know it’s hard to always go from mania to depression so rapidly. It’s really hard….. she doesn’t want to take medication bc she drinks though. So sad…..

Today is going to be a busy day. I have so much work to do and I have so many site visits to make today. I love it when I am super busy.

I’m working four 10s this week because I am off work on Friday. I have plenty of work to do over the next 30 working hours. My best friend’s bridal shower is this weekend and I’m decorating it. Super stressful. I have so much left to do. Decorations and presents… I have spent over $300 on this bridal shower. It’s a little ridiculous…. I have a problem spending too much money when I start spending money. I either don’t buy anything (which is most of the time) or I spend 100s of dollars. I have about $1000 to save up again to replace all that I have spent. Maintenance on my house, new vacuum, and bridal shower took it all.

I know I’ve been rambling like always. I’m a little high on caffeine. Going to go get ready for the day now.

Have a good day everyone.

6/25/2020 @ 3:50pm

Mood: Nuetral

So… still no depression. I don’t think I’ve experienced any mania either. Unless I am manic now and don’t know it. It’s always hard for me to tell until after I say or do something that’s not ‘my normal’. A little anxiety at times but not too bad.

My aunt passed away a little over a month ago. I was close to her but I didn’t really cry that much. The doctor said everyone grieves in there own way. My uncle passed away about a month before she did. I cried less when he passed away. I guess it was because me and my uncle had a terrible relationship. We really wasn’t too fond of each-other. I reacted the same way in 2015, when my papa passed away. And I was very close to him—he was like a 2nd dad. I sometimes wonder if something is wrong with me.

Anyway…. my aunt had two pits and I kind of adopted them. My dad said he would but I told him that I would take them. That was a big mistake. Not only is my dog (12 year old Brittany) scared of them, my friend is scared of them too. They don’t like small dogs— they attacked my neighbors’ small dog and tried to attack my friend mom’s small dog. One of them is aggressive over food and only allows other dogs to eat when he sees fit. That is a major problem in my house. I try to discipline when he growls over food, and reward when he doesn’t growl. I don’t think he understands. Well I feel like I am locked to my house because of these dogs. When I go to my granny’s house I feel like I need to go home because they are by themselves. My mom can’t come visit because she has no one to keep her small dog, and we don’t want to chance it bringing him around Apollo & Aries (2 pits). I feel like I cannot go anywhere because of these two dogs. I can leave my Brittany at my grandparents house or take him with me wherever I go. I asked my dad to introduce them to his dogs so they could stay with him in the future when I want to go out of town or if my mom comes to visit. He acts like it’s a huge inconvenience for him and like it’s too much to ask for him to help. I would have just let him take the dogs if I knew it was going to be like this. I’ve had them too long to let them go anywhere besides with my dad. I do love and care for them now. I just don’t know what to do about this situation and it stresses me out a little.

It’s a problem that’s been there this whole time but I’ve not had to deal with it yet….

Other than that— everything is going pretty good. Work is crazy busy and I love it. Today makes day 11 without a cigarette. It hasn’t been too crazy so far. I’m a little irritable at times but nothing like I was the last time I quit. I was taking lithium at that time and any little chemical change made me crazier than I already was. I’m not sure if that was the reason but things have been a lot better this time. (Especially since I got off that medication. It doesn’t work for everyone… )I kind of feel happy at times. That’s not normal. Lol

When you quit smoking you crave all kinds of stuff that’s bad for you. I was doing really good on drinking water and not eating sweets until I got about a week into not smoking and I fell off the wagon. Oh well… at least I haven’t smoked a cigarette… I’ll try again before too long.

I had to have some work done at my house about a week ago and the guy that did the work was really cute. I asked him if he was single and then started texting him after he said yes. If you have read any of my previous blogs you will know I basically have never been in a relationship so I am very inexperienced. Apparently I didn’t say something right because it’s almost been a week since I talked to him and he never even asked me out on a date. I deleted his number. I’m sure it just wasn’t meant to be. He wasn’t exactly what I was looking for to anyway. After talking to him I realize there is somethings that don’t need to be said and other things that do. Not to mention the fact that I realized I have a lot more to work on than I originally thought.

I met this 77 year old lady a few months ago and she really inspired me in a couple different ways. She had never been married, been in one long term relationship, has no kids, and lives alone. She went to college to be an industrial engineer. I feel like we are a like in some kind of way. She told me about backroads—active vacations (look them up). She goes on these vacations all by herself. She has been taking tap dance classes for almost 20 years… she performs with other women her age. She use to go horseback riding, water and snow skiing, she can play the banjo, and the list goes on. She said that she was interested in everything. I feel like God wanted me to meet this woman for some reason. That is how I want to live my life. Always on an adventure and learning new things. We both decided my biggest problem with my lack of interest in the world was because I didn’t read or watch educational stuff on television to know what’s even out there. I never knew how much reading could change my life. I don’t really know where to start but she suggested me find a place I would like to visit and research the history. I really liked that idea…. I am very blessed to have met this person. She was truly inspirational.

Life is so precious and so short. I’ve only been existing in my own little world. There is so much stuff out there to see and do. I can only hope to go on an adventure one day and never stop going. I hope to find my happy place one day.