7/21/2020 @ 5:45am

Mood: neutral

I didn’t meet any of my goals yesterday. I almost did until about 8pm,

Today is going to be a long day because I have a 3 hr meeting at lunchtime! I told my co-worker we will need to grab a late breakfast to eat during lunch.

Yesterday was an okay day. I kind of got over the fact that that guy called me crazy 😔. I hate when people call me crazy. I’m really only crazy half of the time and I act normal more than I act crazy. And some people would even say that I act normal all the time. I think I act normal but I don’t always think normal. I can never tell when I’m having crazy thoughts unless I sit down and think about it. It really sucks though. I cannot help that I’m this way and I act on impulse so it’s extremely hard to control it.

I don’t think I’m going to attempt to talk/meet anyone for a long time. I’m just not ready for that kind of stress.

I plan to go to a comedy show by myself this weekend. I have no one to go with and I really want to go. Not sure if that’s crazy or not but I did google it. Turns out a lot of people ride solo to different clubs/bars etc. I go out to eat alone all the time. I don’t see how this would be any different. Since it will be a live show, I doubt I’ll have to worry about any random person coming to talk to me. I like to avoid that too… I know it has to be unhealthy not to socialize. And I’ll never learn how to talk to people if I don’t practice. I’m just not ready to practice today… maybe that’s a terrible excuse. I have issues and I’m scared to wonder outside of my personal bubble. The world is a very scary place to me. I hope to grow up eventually. Not really sure why it’s taking me so long… Doc says it’s part of my mental illness… I think it’s far more than that. I feel like the only person with bipolar who has matured so late. Maybe it has something to do with all the situations that I try to avoid. I’m very responsible now and have been for the past 5 or so years, but I was irresponsible to a certain extent before that. I’m not sure what my problem is but at least I recognize that I have issues. I try to fix them but it’s easier said than done and I’m kind of lazy when it comes to doing anything that is difficult. I realize no one or nothing will be able to help me unless I help myself.

I guess I’m out for the day ✌️