7/18/2020 @ 10:36pm

Mood: doing alright

So I’ve noticed that every time I get involved with a guy then I tend to become hyper focused on it. Not necessarily on him but on the whole idea of meeting someone and developing a relationship. My life goes from normal to pure chaos. The world could be crashing and burning but as long as my phone is in my hand I don’t notice anything. This is sad but kind of true to a certain extent.

This past week was ridiculous. I didn’t know what to talk to him (the person I was supposed to go a date with) about so I just bombed him with questions 😒 I was asking questions to learn all about him. I know that has to be annoying. Is this something normal for a girl to do? Come on fellas, help me out.

I just feel like I didn’t go to meet him bc I cannot handle rejection at this time, idk… I don’t love myself and I don’t have confidence. Once I have those two things, I think I could date someone. Is this a problem? I know my family and best friend got really upset with me for canceling, I don’t think they understand the part about rejection, I cannot take a chance ……..rejection…….would have ruined me. At this time, I feel as if rejection would have stopped me from ever dating anyone again.

I hate that I am like this. This is why I choose not to date anyone. I don’t feel lonely if I don’t try to talk to someone. My life is thrown all out of order. I’m not even taking care of my normal responsibilities. I’m so wrapped up in my phone. Idk what’s my problem, I was doing pretty good before I downloaded that stupid dating ap. I’m too scared to meet anyone anyway. It’s a waste of time and energy if I’m not going to go out with anyone. I plan to delete the ap after I post this…

On another note, I started talking to a girl recently and holy cow was it so emotional. I feel as if I understand how guys feel when they talk to girls like me. She just talked about her feelings to me, too soon and too much. The second day she messaged me and said she couldn’t get me off her mind. I replied… Already? Lol <<she didn’t like that all>> we actually got in an arguement about it and I’m like dang we are already arguing. I quit talking to her bc I just wasn’t attracted to her like that and I didn’t want to hurt her. I wish some guys would have the decency to do the same, instead of ignoring someone…. After talking to her I realized that…. I would want a girl as a friend….. not a girlfriend, But would like a man to develop a relationship with. I need a someone that can protect me. And I’m not interested in studs. I say all this but I didn’t even give her a try. Maybe I should have at least went on one date with her. Bc I have always felt like I liked women too. Idk. I’m so complicated I know.

I’ve got to start diet and exercising. I’m eating way too much and I feel like crap bc I eat like crap. Not to mention I am gaining a lot of weight which also makes me feel like crap. I am going to try to start drinking at least 5, 16oz bottles of water everyday, no sweet drinks… and only eat 3 times a day Smaller portions. To me that’s a good first step. The only problem is I start doing something and then I quit. I’m a quitter. I hate that about myself. Everyone knows that I won’t stick with it or I don’t do what I say I’m going to do at times. I hate that about myself. All I can do is try to change it another time. Develop good habits and routines and try to follow them without stopping. I’m going to try to start over today.

Goals for today:

Delete dating app, drink plenty of water— no soft drinks, only eat three times a day (small servings), and bible study (get back on track with my routine).

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: