Mood: feeling sad
I know I’ve posted 3 different times today. Today has just been bad. I know these feelings are so intense because of my mental illness. And the physical/mental symptoms of nicotine withdrawals doesn’t help. I’ve been an emotional wreck all day. I tried really hard to look pleasant at the wedding but then I would catch myself frowning. I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing about this wedding… anyway…
Have you ever felt like you were alone? Like you needed someone, anyone, to talk to… I’m not just talking about talking to get stuff off your chest, I’m talking about just having someone to talk to. I don’t really talk much at at all but I love hearing other people talk and I just throw in a few sentences here and there to let them know I’m listening. I wish I had that kind of person in my life. Girl or Guy. Just friends or more. Because I have no one. I was at my granny’s today all emotional/grouchy but I still needed someone to taLk to. She listens to me venting and It sometimes makes me feel better…. if you don’t really have a life outside of sitting at home then it’s probably hard to conversate with someone who doesn’t talk. I know I’m feeling sorry for myself, whatever that means… but it would be nice for someone to tell me I’m overreacting. Or tell me everything is going to work out. I feel okay now but at the time I really needed someone. I told my dad how miserable I was at the wedding (yesterday, when I was upset)…. he just got irritated at me because a week before I told him I thought I might be happy. He just said “so you were just miserable” Stephanie you just told me you were happy a week ago. He was irritated with me because I said I was miserable at the wedding. I mean damn instead of asking why he just basically tells me how can you be unhappy today when you were happy a week ago and he hates hearing me talk about negative stuff. How the heck am I supposed to be positive when I’m falling apart inside. He just didn’t help what so ever… he made it worse actually. I guess I cannot talk to him about my emotional problems. I called my mom too and just was emotional telling her how I felt about everything. She basically told me it was my choice to be like I was… it was my choice to be alone and not to talk. And if I knew what was going to happen (ending up alone) then there is no point in talking about it.
Look I realize I was an emotional mess yesterday but I really needed someone to talk to. At one point I cried because I literally had no one to talk to. My mom, dad, granny, and friend April is the only people I have to talk to. I’m sure everyone gets tired of me talking about what I think is going to happen. The doom and gloom.
Maybe all of this is my own problem and I need to change my thinking. Maybe there is times I should just journal and not talk about my feelings to someone. Maybe they have a reason to get it irritated with me. I’m not sure but yesterday I needed someone to tell me it was going to be alright. I feel like a child.
And I hate I’m such a bad friend to my so called best friend. Why couldn’t I be happy for her? I was just sad because I didn’t have what she had. And because of the night before.
I have so many issues that I need to work out but I don’t really know how. I need that change I’m looking for. Maybe diet and exercise is my answer. I just want to be happy with myself and my life. I don’t want to get sad over stuff like I have been. I don’t want to be neutral… I just want to be happy. I know that’s asking for too much but that’s what I want. I ask God all the time to be smart and well spoken, and to be able to talk about interesting stuff. I never really ask to be happy or to find love.
I know I have a lot of issues but what makes me different is that I recognize what things I need to change. I recognize most of the problems I have and I try to find solutions to those problems. I’m 100% better today. I don’t feel like an emotional wreck and I feel like everything will be okay. I have set goals for myself and I hope to have to self discipline to continue to do the things that I need to do.
And I realize a lot of this stuff I write should go in a personal journal… I just want people to see how F’ed up I am and hopefully when I tame my Illness or learn more about my body. They can read my blogs and say dang she use to be really F’ed up and now she is cool. What did she do? How can she help me? That’s all I want to do. Is to get better and make changes. I want to be a good example. I don’t want to seem like the person who only wants people to feel sorry for me. That’s really not my intention.
Hopefully God blesses me with the strength to change.