7/11/2020 @ 5pm

Mood: feeling down

The wedding went alright I guess. No one really knew what they were supposed to do but we seemed to pull it off alright. We really should have had a rehearsal. The bride looked gorgeous though. I still felt some type of way about last night all day. I know it’s just because I’m bipolar. I hate it… I’m crazy as hell. I was miserable all day. I tried to smile but my mood just wouldn’t let me. I don’t think I’m a good friend because I wasn’t happy for her. All I could think about was I’m never going to experience this. I know I will never get married. You can’t help but be lost in your feelings at a time like this. I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I just blame everything on my mental illness. It’s just not fair. Why have I been alone basically my whole life. I have no one to hold me or touch me or to just be there for me in that kind of way. Most of the time I don’t let it bother me but today all of my emotions hit me all at once. I know I’m a terrible friend. I guess I don’t deserve to have any friends. I should just be alone. I guess my heart is too dark to be happy for anyone because I’m too worried about myself…and my own happiness. I hate to even make this post public, but I wanted to get this off my chest. My heart is so sad today. I wish I could be someone else. I envy normal people. They have no idea what life is like living in my shoes. I can only hope and pray that I experience that change one day. I’m needing that change. I wish life wasn’t so hard. I can only hope and pray that I will find happiness one day.