7/11/2020 @ 1:40am

Mood: feeling down…

The wedding is less than 12 hours away and I think I am as nervous as the bride. I don’t do people that well and there is going to be 100 of them. I hate the way I look in my dress (it’s super ugly) and I’m scared I’ll see someone I went to school with. I try to avoid anyone I went to school with because I’m just not the same person as I use to be. I’m not as pretty, I’m overweight, I’m socially awkward, and I’m aging fast. It’s just night and day from who I use to be. I don’t mean to make this day about me but I’ve done a lot for this bride and I don’t think she really realizes how hard this has all been for me to handle mentally. She doesn’t appreciate it.

We went to a comedy show tonight for her bachelorette and it was really nice. The comedian was super funny and it was just nice to get out. There was four of us and I doubt I said two words all night though. I really hate that I’m this way…. but I did enjoy myself tonight.

The bride and her maid of honor came back to my house for the night and I felt totally left out. You can just tell they have a different kind of relationship. I guess because they are cousins and because they both just talk so well. I let them sleep in my bed tonight and I’m sleeping on the floor tonight. I hear them talking and laughing in my room with the door shut. It just makes me feel so bad. I just wish I was more fun. If it wasn’t for the bride taking my granny back and forth to dialysis when she doesn’t have a ride…. I probably wouldn’t even talk to her anymore after this. Even though she might continue to do it because she does get paid. Idk… This is why I don’t have any friends y’all. I’ve been this way my whole life. Is it me or is she being a shitty friend? Idk really know… it is her wedding but I’ve felt left out all day. Maybe it’s because of the way I am. I don’t really know. It makes me sad though.

Anyway…

In one day it will make 4 weeks since I’ve had a cigarette. I feel great and I’m so glad I gave that hobbit up. I have gained a lot of weight though. I guess it’s better to be overweight than smoke yourself to death. This week at work went by super fast. I was so busy. I took today off of work for the wedding festivities. I really needed to work too. I guess there is always Monday.

I’ve been trying to do Bible study as part of my routine every night. (Besides tonight because I’ve been so busy with other stuff) …I know that I should do Bible study to learn about God… I do want to learn about God but I’m also looking for that change. I feel that if I grow closer to God then maybe my life will turn around. Maybe I could find happiness. I know I will become a better person. I’m just really looking forward to that change. I hope that isn’t a bad thing.

My routine has been half way decent this week. I’m going to try to stick with everything I’ve been doing because I really do feel a difference. Hopefully I will continue to improve. I just want to be stable and happy. That’s not too much to ask I don’t think…..

Damn this floor is uncomfortable.

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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