6/30/2020 @ 4:50am

Mood: I feel a little depressed this morning.

I’m not sure what has changed but I did wake up feeling a little depressed. The feeling in my stomach and chest gives it away. It’s just one of those days I think. Or maybe because I took a stimulant yesterday. I know that was a bad idea but I didn’t know this until after I did it.

I went to bed around 11pm last night and woke up at 3:30am wide awake. I was up and down all night eating too. That’s why I don’t like keeping food at my house bc I wake up and eat all night. Ambien hasn’t really been working that great here lately… I guess bc I am having nicotine withdrawals and insomnia is a side effect.

When I change mentally/physically I always try to figure out what I did different to cause the change. Sometimes the change happens for no reason but a lot of the time I cause the change.

I read a fellow bloggers blog about routine this morning and it made me realize I really need a routine. That’s what I’ve always been taught but I never seem to follow through. Taking control of your bipolar takes a lot of work and I’m just too lazy to do what needs to be done. My introduction talks about winning the battle and never giving up. I don’t know who I was when I wrote that because I’m not even fighting at this time.

I think it’s crazy when I read past post… sometimes I don’t even feel like the same person. I would think if I had multiple personalities I would know… right? I guess it’s all about my mood and what motivates me??? All I know is I change a lot and never have the self discipline to stick with it.

My mom came to visit this past weekend. All we really did was spring clean my house (wrong time of the year I know). I paid her for helping me. She is poor and I couldn’t accept her help without paying her. The weekend was exhausting. My mom has bipolar too and she doesn’t take medication. She screams a lot and is very sensitive. She gets extremely mad very easily. I have to walk on eggshells. I was moody bc of nicotine withdrawals so I didn’t have the control I normally do. She talks non stop too and I can’t handle it at times. I just want to chill on my phone and not talk or listen to someone talk sometimes…. She doesn’t understand that… I love her to death though. My dad and granny hate that because she never did anything for me when I was growing up. She is my mom though and I love her. Not to mention she was the only one there for me during my last psychosis. But I know that doesn’t make up for the past. I just have to let that go because she is my mama….. jumping back to what I was talking about earlier….she is unmedicated and I wish she would get help. She doesn’t even realize how bad she is. When I say it’s bad… I mean it’s really bad. I use to be the exact same way before I got on medication. Now I’m just a bitch when I’m moody but I’m chill at the same time…. I don’t get extremely mad anymore over everything. My mom thinks just because she smiles and is happy around people outside her family/friends that she doesn’t have a problem. She just doesn’t show her true colors around people on the outside of her bubble. I am the exact same way unless I get super comfortable with that person. I feel bad for her though… she is 50 years old and is alone and has been that way for almost 20 years. Her only two friends died within the past 5 years and she is the black sheep of the family. She works her ass off and still scuffles. She has a $700 weed, alcohol, and cigarette habit though. I wish she would get help so her life would be easier. I know it’s hard to always go from mania to depression so rapidly. It’s really hard….. she doesn’t want to take medication bc she drinks though. So sad…..

Today is going to be a busy day. I have so much work to do and I have so many site visits to make today. I love it when I am super busy.

I’m working four 10s this week because I am off work on Friday. I have plenty of work to do over the next 30 working hours. My best friend’s bridal shower is this weekend and I’m decorating it. Super stressful. I have so much left to do. Decorations and presents… I have spent over $300 on this bridal shower. It’s a little ridiculous…. I have a problem spending too much money when I start spending money. I either don’t buy anything (which is most of the time) or I spend 100s of dollars. I have about $1000 to save up again to replace all that I have spent. Maintenance on my house, new vacuum, and bridal shower took it all.

I know I’ve been rambling like always. I’m a little high on caffeine. Going to go get ready for the day now.

Have a good day everyone.

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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4 Comments

  1. Your Mum’s visit sounds very stressful. Unfortunately, there isn’t really a lot you can do for someone who doesn’t want to change.

    I’m sorry that you’re having nicotine withdrawal. I think it’s good that you’re trying to stop smoking.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was very stressful. I like talking to her on the phone better than being around her non stop for that long. I know she can’t help but really she can, she just chooses not to. I’m definitely going to quit smoking this time. Doing it for different reasons.

      Thanks for your comment

      Liked by 1 person

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