6/25/2020 @ 3:50pm

Mood: Nuetral

So… still no depression. I don’t think I’ve experienced any mania either. Unless I am manic now and don’t know it. It’s always hard for me to tell until after I say or do something that’s not ‘my normal’. A little anxiety at times but not too bad.

My aunt passed away a little over a month ago. I was close to her but I didn’t really cry that much. The doctor said everyone grieves in there own way. My uncle passed away about a month before she did. I cried less when he passed away. I guess it was because me and my uncle had a terrible relationship. We really wasn’t too fond of each-other. I reacted the same way in 2015, when my papa passed away. And I was very close to him—he was like a 2nd dad. I sometimes wonder if something is wrong with me.

Anyway…. my aunt had two pits and I kind of adopted them. My dad said he would but I told him that I would take them. That was a big mistake. Not only is my dog (12 year old Brittany) scared of them, my friend is scared of them too. They don’t like small dogs— they attacked my neighbors’ small dog and tried to attack my friend mom’s small dog. One of them is aggressive over food and only allows other dogs to eat when he sees fit. That is a major problem in my house. I try to discipline when he growls over food, and reward when he doesn’t growl. I don’t think he understands. Well I feel like I am locked to my house because of these dogs. When I go to my granny’s house I feel like I need to go home because they are by themselves. My mom can’t come visit because she has no one to keep her small dog, and we don’t want to chance it bringing him around Apollo & Aries (2 pits). I feel like I cannot go anywhere because of these two dogs. I can leave my Brittany at my grandparents house or take him with me wherever I go. I asked my dad to introduce them to his dogs so they could stay with him in the future when I want to go out of town or if my mom comes to visit. He acts like it’s a huge inconvenience for him and like it’s too much to ask for him to help. I would have just let him take the dogs if I knew it was going to be like this. I’ve had them too long to let them go anywhere besides with my dad. I do love and care for them now. I just don’t know what to do about this situation and it stresses me out a little.

It’s a problem that’s been there this whole time but I’ve not had to deal with it yet….

Other than that— everything is going pretty good. Work is crazy busy and I love it. Today makes day 11 without a cigarette. It hasn’t been too crazy so far. I’m a little irritable at times but nothing like I was the last time I quit. I was taking lithium at that time and any little chemical change made me crazier than I already was. I’m not sure if that was the reason but things have been a lot better this time. (Especially since I got off that medication. It doesn’t work for everyone… )I kind of feel happy at times. That’s not normal. Lol

When you quit smoking you crave all kinds of stuff that’s bad for you. I was doing really good on drinking water and not eating sweets until I got about a week into not smoking and I fell off the wagon. Oh well… at least I haven’t smoked a cigarette… I’ll try again before too long.

I had to have some work done at my house about a week ago and the guy that did the work was really cute. I asked him if he was single and then started texting him after he said yes. If you have read any of my previous blogs you will know I basically have never been in a relationship so I am very inexperienced. Apparently I didn’t say something right because it’s almost been a week since I talked to him and he never even asked me out on a date. I deleted his number. I’m sure it just wasn’t meant to be. He wasn’t exactly what I was looking for to anyway. After talking to him I realize there is somethings that don’t need to be said and other things that do. Not to mention the fact that I realized I have a lot more to work on than I originally thought.

I met this 77 year old lady a few months ago and she really inspired me in a couple different ways. She had never been married, been in one long term relationship, has no kids, and lives alone. She went to college to be an industrial engineer. I feel like we are a like in some kind of way. She told me about backroads—active vacations (look them up). She goes on these vacations all by herself. She has been taking tap dance classes for almost 20 years… she performs with other women her age. She use to go horseback riding, water and snow skiing, she can play the banjo, and the list goes on. She said that she was interested in everything. I feel like God wanted me to meet this woman for some reason. That is how I want to live my life. Always on an adventure and learning new things. We both decided my biggest problem with my lack of interest in the world was because I didn’t read or watch educational stuff on television to know what’s even out there. I never knew how much reading could change my life. I don’t really know where to start but she suggested me find a place I would like to visit and research the history. I really liked that idea…. I am very blessed to have met this person. She was truly inspirational.

Life is so precious and so short. I’ve only been existing in my own little world. There is so much stuff out there to see and do. I can only hope to go on an adventure one day and never stop going. I hope to find my happy place one day.

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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2 Comments

  1. Good to see you back! I’m glad you’re not depressed and that you are having success with giving up smoking.

    I’m sorry to read about your bereavements. I don’t think you should judge yourself for not crying. I didn’t cry when most of my grandparents died. Not everyone cries.

    Apparently I didn’t say something right because it’s almost been a week since I talked to him and he never even asked me out on a date.

    I think it was brave of you to text him. I am the last person to ask about relationships, but I don’t think you necessarily did anything “not right”. Sometimes things are just not right between people. Also, not all guys would ask someone out that fast. I tend to procrastinate over asking women out for weeks or months (or longer).

    Liked by 1 person

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