It’s been a while…. I’m sure no one missed seeing my posts but I just felt like posting something today.
Over the past month My mental health has been so bad. I just lost myself after going through all that crap with that guy. The guy that didn’t like me like I liked him. I’ve finally got over that for the most part. He actually is getting transferred to another office at the beginning of the year. At first I cried but then I realized it was a blessing.
I’ve been told that I’m getting laid off in March. I’m not really sure what I’m going to do. I really don’t want to go back to a restaurant and I really don’t want to go to a warehouse/factory. I have an engineering degree but my work history is so bad. Most jobs require a certain amount of experience anyway. I’m trying to stay positive and think that everything will be okay…. but I can’t seem to make myself believe it. Between this and the guy from work I’ve really been lost in my head…. it’s one thing after another.
I quit going to the gym, I started smoking again, I stopped eating healthy (I’ve been binge eating), I haven’t been cleaning, I’ve been so tired all the time, I’ve been doing reckless stuff, all I do is sit around and pity myself…. I just have a I don’t give a f*** attitude… I’ve just lost myself. I procrastinate at work. I can’t get anything done. All I want to do is sleep. I keep thinking about all the bad that could happen… even though I have no idea what the future will hold. I’ve just been really sick.
I know people have it a lot worse than me… I have it pretty good. But my mental illness makes me feel like I’m living in hell. It’s changed since I was younger. It’s gotten so much worse. I just want to give up and apply for disability. I’m so disabled some days and no one even realizes it. No one understands… between not being able to comprehend what I read, not being able to communicate effectively, or pay attention long enough to comprehend what someone is trying to tell me… being stuck in my head all day everyday, and just being so depressed… I feel like I’m disabled. I don’t handle stress well. I pace all the time… just walk the floors. Around and around…. I have no motivation….
Life sucks right now….
I was thinking about getting my life insurance sales agent license…. I’ve heard really bad things about this but there is some people who do well. It’s worth a try, right? I’ll never know if I don’t try. I think sales is all about luck anyway…. I know some people have a way with words to persuade people. I know that’s half of it but I think the other half is luck. I’m not good with talking to people but I might be lucky. Maybe that’s a dumb way of thinking….