12/28/19 @ 11:30am

Mood: depressed

It’s been a while…. I’m sure no one missed seeing my posts but I just felt like posting something today.

Over the past month My mental health has been so bad. I just lost myself after going through all that crap with that guy. The guy that didn’t like me like I liked him. I’ve finally got over that for the most part. He actually is getting transferred to another office at the beginning of the year. At first I cried but then I realized it was a blessing.

I’ve been told that I’m getting laid off in March. I’m not really sure what I’m going to do. I really don’t want to go back to a restaurant and I really don’t want to go to a warehouse/factory. I have an engineering degree but my work history is so bad. Most jobs require a certain amount of experience anyway. I’m trying to stay positive and think that everything will be okay…. but I can’t seem to make myself believe it. Between this and the guy from work I’ve really been lost in my head…. it’s one thing after another.

I quit going to the gym, I started smoking again, I stopped eating healthy (I’ve been binge eating), I haven’t been cleaning, I’ve been so tired all the time, I’ve been doing reckless stuff, all I do is sit around and pity myself…. I just have a I don’t give a f*** attitude… I’ve just lost myself. I procrastinate at work. I can’t get anything done. All I want to do is sleep. I keep thinking about all the bad that could happen… even though I have no idea what the future will hold. I’ve just been really sick.

I know people have it a lot worse than me… I have it pretty good. But my mental illness makes me feel like I’m living in hell. It’s changed since I was younger. It’s gotten so much worse. I just want to give up and apply for disability. I’m so disabled some days and no one even realizes it. No one understands… between not being able to comprehend what I read, not being able to communicate effectively, or pay attention long enough to comprehend what someone is trying to tell me… being stuck in my head all day everyday, and just being so depressed… I feel like I’m disabled. I don’t handle stress well. I pace all the time… just walk the floors. Around and around…. I have no motivation….

Life sucks right now….

Anyway…..

I was thinking about getting my life insurance sales agent license…. I’ve heard really bad things about this but there is some people who do well. It’s worth a try, right? I’ll never know if I don’t try. I think sales is all about luck anyway…. I know some people have a way with words to persuade people. I know that’s half of it but I think the other half is luck. I’m not good with talking to people but I might be lucky. Maybe that’s a dumb way of thinking….

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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5 Comments

  1. Hey lost – I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed during the holidays. This time is not the easiest for me either, so wanted to reach out to you. I do think it is a blessing, as you say, that this ‘hot guy’ will no longer be around to trigger you in the new year. It is concerning of course that you will be laid off, but just wanted to say it’s not a disaster. You now have some experience, and, what many don’t have, you have a good reason to explain to new employers why you are looking for new work. Being laid off is not a reflection on you. I wonder if you are more competent than you give yourself credit for, undervaluing yourself because of your depression? After all, an engineering degree is not something a dummy would achieve!

    About the sales idea – maybe it’s something to think about. It’s not ‘dumb’. If you dislike engineering, or find you have a lot of trouble doing the work, then it makes a lot of sense to be looking in a different direction. I do wonder though, if you’re sure you’re ‘not good at talking to people’, if sales would be a happy choice for you? Maybe you would develop the capacity though. I really agree that for some things, you weigh the pros and cons, and then you must take a leap, and there are no guarantees. It’s good to try. Take care

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not really sure… I’ve been depressed for a while. I didn’t really think about the things that I think about now when I was doing okay. I feel that it could have something to do with my depression.

      I’m hoping the year of experience I’ve gained will help me find another good job. Right now I can’t help but think negatively. Maybe that’s something I should spend time working on. Thinking positive and stop worrying. Not really sure how to work on those things. I can’t help what my brain thinks. I try to talk it out of thinking stuff all the time but it doesn’t really help.

      Maybe sales isn’t going to be for me. I don’t mind talking to people, I just have a hard time carrying on a conversation. I’m hoping that I would have more to say once I learn about the different types of life insurance… I’m not sure how it will work out.

      Thanks for reaching out to me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for posting, I was wondering how you were getting on.

    I’m sorry you got laid off, and that you’re feeling so depressed. I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. You’re going through some bad stuff.

    You say “I’ve been doing reckless stuff” – are you safe? Please don’t do anything dangerous!

    I’m not sure that a sales job is a good idea if you can’t speak to people easily. I don’t know what help is available where you live in terms of careers advice, but it might be worth seeing if you can speak to a careers adviser about where your skills and experience might fit.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not sure if I’m safe or just lucky.

      I was thinking that I needed to get help with my resume and practice interviewing. A career advisor is a good suggestion.

      I’m just not good at carrying on conversations with people. I think I could if I had something to talk about. I have to talk to people everyday at work. Customers. I’m definitely going to try to find something different but if I have no success I think it’s worth a try.

      Thank you for your comments! 😊

      Like

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