12/28/19 @ 11:30am

Mood: depressed

It’s been a while…. I’m sure no one missed seeing my posts but I just felt like posting something today.

Over the past month My mental health has been so bad. I just lost myself after going through all that crap with that guy. The guy that didn’t like me like I liked him. I’ve finally got over that for the most part. He actually is getting transferred to another office at the beginning of the year. At first I cried but then I realized it was a blessing.

I’ve been told that I’m getting laid off in March. I’m not really sure what I’m going to do. I really don’t want to go back to a restaurant and I really don’t want to go to a warehouse/factory. I have an engineering degree but my work history is so bad. Most jobs require a certain amount of experience anyway. I’m trying to stay positive and think that everything will be okay…. but I can’t seem to make myself believe it. Between this and the guy from work I’ve really been lost in my head…. it’s one thing after another.

I quit going to the gym, I started smoking again, I stopped eating healthy (I’ve been binge eating), I haven’t been cleaning, I’ve been so tired all the time, I’ve been doing reckless stuff, all I do is sit around and pity myself…. I just have a I don’t give a f*** attitude… I’ve just lost myself. I procrastinate at work. I can’t get anything done. All I want to do is sleep. I keep thinking about all the bad that could happen… even though I have no idea what the future will hold. I’ve just been really sick.

I know people have it a lot worse than me… I have it pretty good. But my mental illness makes me feel like I’m living in hell. It’s changed since I was younger. It’s gotten so much worse. I just want to give up and apply for disability. I’m so disabled some days and no one even realizes it. No one understands… between not being able to comprehend what I read, not being able to communicate effectively, or pay attention long enough to comprehend what someone is trying to tell me… being stuck in my head all day everyday, and just being so depressed… I feel like I’m disabled. I don’t handle stress well. I pace all the time… just walk the floors. Around and around…. I have no motivation….

Life sucks right now….


I was thinking about getting my life insurance sales agent license…. I’ve heard really bad things about this but there is some people who do well. It’s worth a try, right? I’ll never know if I don’t try. I think sales is all about luck anyway…. I know some people have a way with words to persuade people. I know that’s half of it but I think the other half is luck. I’m not good with talking to people but I might be lucky. Maybe that’s a dumb way of thinking….

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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  1. Hey lost – I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed during the holidays. This time is not the easiest for me either, so wanted to reach out to you. I do think it is a blessing, as you say, that this ‘hot guy’ will no longer be around to trigger you in the new year. It is concerning of course that you will be laid off, but just wanted to say it’s not a disaster. You now have some experience, and, what many don’t have, you have a good reason to explain to new employers why you are looking for new work. Being laid off is not a reflection on you. I wonder if you are more competent than you give yourself credit for, undervaluing yourself because of your depression? After all, an engineering degree is not something a dummy would achieve!

    About the sales idea – maybe it’s something to think about. It’s not ‘dumb’. If you dislike engineering, or find you have a lot of trouble doing the work, then it makes a lot of sense to be looking in a different direction. I do wonder though, if you’re sure you’re ‘not good at talking to people’, if sales would be a happy choice for you? Maybe you would develop the capacity though. I really agree that for some things, you weigh the pros and cons, and then you must take a leap, and there are no guarantees. It’s good to try. Take care

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not really sure… I’ve been depressed for a while. I didn’t really think about the things that I think about now when I was doing okay. I feel that it could have something to do with my depression.

      I’m hoping the year of experience I’ve gained will help me find another good job. Right now I can’t help but think negatively. Maybe that’s something I should spend time working on. Thinking positive and stop worrying. Not really sure how to work on those things. I can’t help what my brain thinks. I try to talk it out of thinking stuff all the time but it doesn’t really help.

      Maybe sales isn’t going to be for me. I don’t mind talking to people, I just have a hard time carrying on a conversation. I’m hoping that I would have more to say once I learn about the different types of life insurance… I’m not sure how it will work out.

      Thanks for reaching out to me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for posting, I was wondering how you were getting on.

    I’m sorry you got laid off, and that you’re feeling so depressed. I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. You’re going through some bad stuff.

    You say “I’ve been doing reckless stuff” – are you safe? Please don’t do anything dangerous!

    I’m not sure that a sales job is a good idea if you can’t speak to people easily. I don’t know what help is available where you live in terms of careers advice, but it might be worth seeing if you can speak to a careers adviser about where your skills and experience might fit.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not sure if I’m safe or just lucky.

      I was thinking that I needed to get help with my resume and practice interviewing. A career advisor is a good suggestion.

      I’m just not good at carrying on conversations with people. I think I could if I had something to talk about. I have to talk to people everyday at work. Customers. I’m definitely going to try to find something different but if I have no success I think it’s worth a try.

      Thank you for your comments! 😊


  3. Hi I’m a 30 year old engineer with bipolar disorder too. I just found your blog and I just wanted to say I think your blog is really relatable. Thanks for posting and I hope you are doing okay.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, I work in a chemical plant as a production engineer. I am a chemical engineer. It’s so stressful I’m considering finding a low key, non-engineering job. I’ve had my company shut down the plant I was working at, and had someone sexually harass me. It’s a man’s world. I luckily established myself before my mental health problems impacted me so I feel like I’m riding on that. I workout regularly, try to sleep enough, don’t drink, etc like they say. Last year I was in the hospital 3 times and one directly because of work issues. I missed 3 months of work last year but I used FMLA and short term disability. I’m having a lot of mental fog that’s making me anxious someone will find me out lately. I did an IOP program and that helped me learn a lot of skills.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ve never heard of a IOP program. I’ll check into it. I’m happy that you’ve established yourself before bipolar rocked your world. I’m sorry that you have to deal with all that stuff at work. I’m glad that I’m not the only one who wants a non stress job. At least someone understands me. I know you wouldn’t want anyone to know about your disability but I sometimes think it helps to tell the right person about it to give you relief from thinking you have to hide it. I tell people all the time but that’s bad because I get attitudes with everyone and I don’t wait long enough to tell someone. I think it makes a difference when you tell someone and who you tell. You know… if you’ve worked somewhere for a few years and maintain your good reputation. I act like I’m 20 and I get super irritable. I shouldn’t tell anyone but it’s different for me I think. Maybe I’m wrong… idk.

        I have a engineering degree but I’m kind of stupid. My psychotic breaks and smoking pot strong for 10 years has really fried some brain cells. I respect you so much for going so far and doing so well with the demon on your back. I’ve completely ruined my life. I’m lucky that I was given a home and someone bought my car. I wouldn’t have anything right now if they didn’t. I barely have clothes to wear. I don’t make much money…
        I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2010 after having a psychotic break. I’ve had 2 more since then because I stopped taking my medication. Never doing that again. Bipolar has completely had a negative impact on my life. I’ve got in trouble with the law, I have two misdemeanors-both from being reckless when I was in a psychosis. I’ve had over 20 jobs since I was 16 years old. I just broke into the engineering field last year. I graduated in 2016 with a BS in Mechanical Engineering. I started school in 2007 but dropped out in 2011 due to my psychotic break. I’m losing my job in March and I’m having a hard time finding another job… I guess because of my work history and gap in education or something. I was thinking about looking for a minimum stress job because I cannot handle stress. It literally takes over my mind. I stopped working out due to depression and feeling exhausted all the time. I don’t drink or do drugs and I try to sleep. I know working out helps so much.


      3. You are not stupid. It’s tough figuring out whether a job is unhealthy for you or if your mental health is preventing you from living the career you worked so hard for. I don’t know you but I will say that for me I react more than others to stress. However, my relationship with work changed tremendously after a lot of therapy. Ultimately, the best job is one you can be happy and healthy in. One that challenges you but also makes you feel satisfied. I’d be curious to know if you have boundary issues like me that makes you take on any and all stress around you.

        Liked by 1 person

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