11/19/19 @ 8am

Mood: depressed. I’ve woke up sick to my stomach depressed for days! I hope this isn’t going to last until Spring. It’s so exhausting and just miserable. I feel for those who goes through this on a regular basis. This is horrible. On a positive note, my depression is a lot better compared to last year.

Things have gotten a lot better with that guy from work. I’m living the “it is what it is” kinda life regarding that matter. At one point I was obsessing so much I couldn’t even concentrate or do my job. I was crippled. This lasted for a while. But now I’m just like it is what it is. He ain’t even all that and we have nothing in common. I really don’t understand why I was tripping anyway. I told him to leave me alone but he won’t listen to me. I mainly think it’s because he doesn’t want the negative attention from our coworkers thinking something was going on. It is what it is… I’ll just have to deal with it. I’ll get over everything soon enough. I really believe it because things are a lot better already.

I was told I need to focus on myself and forget about this guy. That’s exactly what I want to do. I have so many things I want to work on within myself and to change. I’ve really not been stimulating my mind over the past 10 years. It’s almost like I’m dumb as a box of rocks. I’ve not been socializing either and this has truly made a negative impact on my life. I’ve got to change this about myself. I’m meant to be a social butterfly. I’m not really sure what has happened to me. I use to be just that and I miss the old me. I’m not sure if anyone believes in astrology but I’m an Aquarius-Pisces cusp. Both of my signs are big on talking and having intellectual conversations. I need it in my life to make me happy I think.

I want to work on my cooking skills. Spend more time with my little cousin-Ive been distant for a while because of my mental health. Find a hobby. Start visiting my family in VA more than I have been. Take better care of my body. Inside of out. My nails, skin, hair, etc. Figure out what I’m interested in, find something to be interested in. Watch educational stuff on TV instead of only watching my few favorite shows. Actually commit to things instead of starting a good habit and then quitting. I do not practice enough self discipline. I want to actually save more money instead of blowing it on food and cigarettes- yes I fell off the wagon. I was having a hard time dealing with the withdrawals and the obsessive behavior over the guy. I was going crazy. I keep saying I want to do these things. I start but I’m not consistent and then I quit. I’m not sure why it is so difficult for me to commit to something. I always want to work on me but never put in enough effort. This really makes me feel bad about myself and I think it really makes my depression worse. I having nothing going on in my life so I can’t help but think about ways to better myself.

I have my kickboxing class and I really look forward to that. I always feel so much better after I leave that class.

I hope everyone has a good day!

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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