Mood: depressed. I’ve been depressed all week. Waking up sick to my stomach, not being able to remember things, and having a hard time doing my job.
This week has been so hard. I’ve barely been able to make it through the day. I’m not sure if it’s because of that guy at work or because of the time of year. It could also be a combination. I’m so obsessed with that guy. I constantly pay attention to his every move and word. The thought of him being with another woman really hurts me and drives me crazy. He has been constantly coming to my cubicle ever since he figured out something was wrong with me. It really makes it hard on me. Him giving me constant attention is not what I need right now. It makes me think he likes me and then I’m more obsessed than normal. I’ve had to take Ativan on 4 different occasions this week. I try to avoid it but my anxiety has been through the roof. I was obsessing so bad that I was unable to do my job. I couldn’t concentrate or think clearly. My nerves were so tore up. I cried a few times. My life is so hard right now. I’m not sure why I get like this over guys. I almost feel like my heart has been broke and a little of me died inside.
I just wish he would leave me alone. Just leave me alone….. He knows that’s what I want. That’s what I need. I cannot be his friend anymore. I don’t even want to look him in the face anymore. I want to forget that he exists. I know this is very immature but he has really affected my mental health. I am going to need my medication upped. 30mg of Ability and 200mg of lamictal. 30mg of Ability will zombify me. It’s what I need to get by. I really need this job. I cannot let anything or anyone impact it in a negative way. I’ve already layed out of work one day because of it. I never miss work. Especially over my depression and obsessive thoughts.
I feel like this situation will really make me stronger once I get over it. It has to right? That has to be what’s going on in my life. It’s the only thing I will let myself believe. That God is making me strong and one day I’ll be happy.
I don’t go to church but I love God so much. God-the creator of the universe. Jesus. I don’t understand all of these different religions and I don’t completely agree with everything in the bible, but I do believe and trust God.
I know some people have a hard time believing in God because of all the bad things happening around us. I almost lost faith one time. I had a hard time understanding why I deserved or why anyone would have a mental illness. And why so many bad things happen. I’m not really sure why… But I do know that I’ve always been taken care of and I’m blessed beyond words. Maybe God can’t control everything and maybe he did make a mistake when he created people with messed up brains. People say that God don’t make mistakes. You can’t make me believe that because I will never believe that he would purposely create anyone with a mental illness. It’s obvious that I don’t know much about him but I do know he wouldn’t purposely make me this way. Or maybe I’m this way because of the trauma I have experienced growing up. I was taken away from both of my mothers. I don’t remember being taken away from my real mom but I know my body remembers. I do remember, like yesterday, when I had to move out of my granny’s and move in with my dad at 10 years old. It was the worse feeling that I’ve ever experienced. I was homesick everyday.
I’m not sure why but I have to believe that something happened. I can’t believe that God made me this way. I struggle so much.
I’m trying to accept my life the way it is. I try to tell myself… It is what it is… Just accept it or let it go. I know everyone is tired of hearing about this guy… I’m tired of thinking and talking about him myself. It’s just something I need to get out of my system. I cannot help what my brain thinks. All I can do is make myself think about something else when I think about him. It’s really hard though. It is what it is. I’m so glad it’s the weekend. I can finally relax and I don’t have to see him for 2 days. So grateful for that.