I woke up sick to my stomach depressed and anxious this morning. That guy from work will be back at work tomorrow. Can you imagine liking someone so much and then thinking that every time that person leaves the office that they are going to have sex with another woman? Can you imagine what that feels like? It is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. I cannot make myself think anything different from what I already think. Anyway…
My mom came to visit this weekend… for those of you who didn’t read my last post. I was really worried about it because I was scared that she was going to get drunk and we would end up arguing the whole time. We actually didn’t argue at all and she didn’t drink either. She was a little irritable but I managed to bite my tongue and not make things worse. She was only here for 24 hours but I was ready for her to go when she left. Not because she is annoying or because she was irritable… just because I cannot stand being around someone for so long. I don’t think I will ever be able to live with someone. I could not imagine having someone around me all the time. Maybe it would be different if it was good company. I’m not really sure. I feel so bad for talking this way about my mom. I feel so bad for her. She doesn’t take any medication and her bipolar is really bad. Worse than anyone I know. She has never had a psychosis before though. She is almost 50 years old and has been single for over 10 years… She is almost 50 and she looks like she is literally 65. I don’t think my mom will ever find anyone. I think she will be alone for the rest of her life. There is a chance that I might be alone the rest of my life. I have no idea… I feel bad for talking bad about her publicly even if no one will ever know who I am talking about. I know I said she was never really there for me throughout my life.. but I think she really does love me and would do anything for me. Maybe she has never been the mother that I needed but I do think I have a friend that I can always trust.
I have been depressed and anxious all day long. I really don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. I really don’t want to see that guy anymore. I’ve been praying all week that something would happen and it would break him and his new girlfriend up. Or that I will wake up and not like him anymore. Something has to change. Going to work is going to be so hard on me.