11/8/19 @ 5pm

Mood: Idk…. Not mad or depressed but I sure ain’t happy either. Maybe neutral or depressed and not feel it.

I got absolutely nothing done at work today. I’m not sure if it was because I was ready for the weekend or because I was tired or maybe depressed. I didn’t wake up with that sick to my stomach feeling though. But you never know… I could still be depressed.

I just drunk a 16oz red bull and it just kicked in.. So I’m feeling pretty good at the moment. The only reason I did a red bull is because I have to clean my granny’s house. I know it’s late and it might not be the best option for my mental health.. But it was needed to get me through what I’m about to do. If you saw the house… You’d understand. My little cousin is having a friend over tomorrow so I need to get it done today. My mom is coming to see me tomorrow too. My mom is bipolar and on a complete different level than me. She is wide open… Getting angry literally like once or twice an hour. I’m a little worried because I think she is really going to stress me out. That’s not what I need right now. It’s sad that I can’t be happy that my mom is coming to see me. She is going to get drunk and expect me to keep up with her. I’m going to try and get my house cleaning done before she gets here tomorrow so she doesn’t feel the need to do anything. Hopefully we can get along so nothing crazy happens. The one time I went to jail was because of her… I was 21 and we were drinking together. She took a Xanax and was an angry drunk. She put her hands on me and let’s just say I put my hands back on her. She grabbed me by the hair and put my head in the floor of her car. We got into a fist fight and it lasted for like 20 minutes. She called the cops on me and when I told them she put her hands on me first…we both went to jail and I ended up bailing her out of jail!

Just a brief history… She hasn’t really been apart of my life and has never did anything for me.  I might see her once or twice a year.  I moved in with my grandparents when I was a baby and they raised me until I was 10 years old.  My mom hardly ever came to see me and when I would go to her house (very rarely) she would leave me and my brother alone for hours.  Running the roads doing drugs.  Let’s just say I don’t have much respect for her.  But she is still my mom and I love her.  I don’t understand why though. 

Today has been a very unproductive day. I’ve been lazy all day and had no motivation to do anything. I’ve literally been eating on something all day. I attempted to quit smoking and it lasted for 4 weeks but I started back today. Not really sure why my appetite has been through the roof. I had lost like almost 10 pounds but I swear I think I put on 5 pounds today from eating so much. I crave sugar like crazy. I could eat a spoon full of sugar I think.

I’ve just been so lazy here lately. I only worked out 3 different times this week. I haven’t been taking care of myself like I should. That’s probably another reason my mental health has been so messed up. I seriously can tell a huge difference when I’m eating healthy and exercising. I really think diet and exercise is the key to a stable life. I know some people may not agree but for me personally… It really is. It’s just hard to push yourself to do anything when you are obsessively thinking about someone or you are depressed. It’s hard to just get out of bed when you’re depressed much less do cardio.

I can’t seem to get this bipolar thing under control.  I don’t have enough self discipline to do the things I need to do. I’m lazy and unmotivated. I suck at life most days. Yes… I really do. I’ve been told that I was strong… After thinking about it… I am pretty strong. I’ve been through a lot of shit. Being locked up in the hospital is very traumatic. It’s happened to me 4 times. My dad has been so abusive my whole life… I’ve been in some really dark places but I’ve pulled myself out of it every time. Just the emotional torture of my childhood is enough to break someone. Luckily I always had someone that loved me. Dealing with my mental illness like I do says a lot. It’s obvious my mental illness is bad and I have a hard time functioning in society. But I still manage to do it and not give up. Disability sounds so much better than going through what I go through every day. I’m so stuck in my head with no kind of mental stimulation. I’m not suicidal but I always wish I was someone else. I’m so isolated… I am perfectly comfortable being this way. I just wish I could talk to people. Just so I wouldn’t feel so anxious about it. Just so I wouldn’t be thought as the weird one. So many people try to talk to me and I just don’t know what to say. I just try to run from it. It’s very hard. I can’t help but wonder if I’m like this because I’m recovering from a psychosis. It’s been over a year though. My psychosis did last 5 months… Does anyone know about this stuff? I just don’t think my brain works the same anymore.

Don’t get me wrong. I know some people have been through some real shit and made it through it. They are super strong…

I still can’t help but agree that I’ve been strong too. My life has been crazy. It’s very lonely.

My goal is to spend all my free time working on myself in some kind of way. To do things to better myself. To grow and become a better person. I feel like I’ve been trying to do this for months and haven’t accomplished anything. But I know that isn’t true. I’ve accomplished a little. I just still have a long way to go and I kinda hit a bump in the road. The quitting smoking thing and they guy at work thing really messed me up. I know I need to quit again but I feel like I really need to focus on getting through this thing with this guy before I try to take nicotine away from my body.

Well have a good night everyone!

☝🙌✌

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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