11/7/2019 @ 9:55pm

Mood: another day in paradise…

Today sucked like my new normal. I was tripping on two different occasions today. Actually 3 now that I think about it. Number 1 of course was about that stupid guy. He isn’t at work this week either. I keep imagining him with her. Kissing, touching, f***ing. You name it… I think it. My friend calls that being obsessed. I think I might agree but I don’t know how to stop. My dad says he can flip a switch in his head and not care about someone. I really don’t see how that’s possible. It’s like I make myself think about it. I’ll catch myself thinking about something else then I’ll bring myself back to thinking about it. It’s very unhealthy I know. I can only imagine how bad it’s going to be next week… When he is back at work and I have to see it and live it. Screw that man. I want a new job!

The other situation was when this lady at work went to lunch without asking me if I wanted to go. I thought her and another co-worker slipped out for lunch and just didn’t ask me. So that plus my bad day just upset me. I cried at one point. It just made me super sad. The funny thing is I wasn’t even hungry and I didn’t want to go out for lunch. I just wanted to be asked. I later asked her where they went for lunch and I found out that they didn’t even go out to lunch together….

Another situation… Well I think this other co-worker doesn’t like me and is out to get me. I always go back and forth thinking that about everyone. It’s really sad to be honest. It continues to disrupt my quality of life. It really sucks that you can’t go to work and feel relaxed and safe. That’s where I spend 48 hours of my life every week.

I went to kickboxing tonight and it went good like normal.  Besides the fact we started 4 minutes late.  I pay $20/HR for these personal training lessons… And a few minutes add up.  I talk to my coach about my problems and he brought up a good point today, like always… He told me that 90% of the time a situation really isn’t like what you think it is.  That I am reading people the wrong way or feeling a certain way for no reason.  This is 100% true… But I don’t know how to flip the switch to not feeling or caring.  Reading a situation wrong really messes up my mood.  Obviously.. I’m not really sure what to even do about it because that’s what bipolar is.  We are all so sensitive to everything around us. I can feel a vibe or negative energy but I never know the reason behind it. I assume it’s about me or about something that relates to me. It’s always about me in my head. I don’t mean to be this way or even like that I am this way. Half the problems I have are the ones I brought onto myself for reading situations and people the wrong way. Just like the guy at work… I swear I thought he liked me too. I was so wrong about that. I probably wouldn’t have even let myself catch feelings if I knew how he really felt about me. I’m not sure… I know I need to stop talking about him but it’s really affecting my life right now so I think it’s important for me to talk about it until I don’t think about it. Or maybe I should not talk about it so I don’t think about it as much. I’m not sure… But anyway… Reading things the wrong way has really been a huge part of my life. It has caused me so much pain and drove me crazy on multiple occasions. My coach thinks we can control our minds and allow it to think what we want it to think. I just don’t think this is possible for everyone. I’m going to try it but I don’t think it’s possible.

That’s all I really have for tonight. Goodnight everyone.

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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1 Comment

  1. Maybe you could look into cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) online. It helps understand and, if necessary, challenge your thoughts. So, when your colleagues went to lunch without you, it would help you to think, “Maybe they didn’t notice me, or didn’t realise I was ready for lunch, or maybe they needed to discuss something personal without anyone else.” It helped me a bit with my social anxiety, although it’s never helped much with my depression.

    Liked by 1 person

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