11/6/2019 @ 9am

Mood: life is crazy! I’m doing OK though!

My mood has been ALL OVER THE PLACE since I last posted. I’ve been angry, happy, so obsessed I couldn’t function, sad… You name it, I’ve been it.  The last time I went to the doctor he said “I see no signs of bipolar”… That was total bs.  I like my doctor… don’t get me wrong… He has crazy good credentials.  But I can’t help but think the 15 minutes that he spends with me is not enough for him to make a statement like that.  Just last week.. I was tripping about that guy from work so bad that I laid out of work and could barely function.  The guy is screwing that girl I was talking about.  It’s so obvious it’s ridiculous and I have to see it every single freaking day.  All of everything is total b.s.. I’m so tired of thinking… I’m going to win this battle… There is no winning the battle.  The only thing that I can do is develop a lifestyle that helps me tolerate all the crap that I deal with everyday. I’ve taken so many medications. When I finally found something that worked… Shit went wrong in my life and completely f***** up everything. Obviously I’m having a bad night tonight. It’s been bad for over 2 weeks. I’m okay though… Life goes on. Not going to write this pitty me story. Why should you pitty me? There is people out there who can’t even work because their illness is so bad. Who is all alone. Some are homeless. Some can’t even afford medication. There is people out there getting raped, beat, neglected, starved.. Etc. The world is a f upped place. Why should anyone feel sorry for me? I can go to work, I have a home, I have a family that loves me, I have a car…etc. This life I live has been this way since I was in diapers. I don’t know any different. Yeah it suckssssssssssss… But it could be sooooo much worse. In the past month I have completely fell face first on the ground… But I’m picking myself up.. Dragging one foot in front of the other. Counting down the days before I can find a new job. I’m trying to hold it all together. Holding it together for my granny and little cousin. I cannot fail. I will not fail. I may lose one game but I will keep playing until I win.

I pray that I make it through another day without walking out on my job. I pray that I can keep my mouth shut. The guy at work is going to get me fired man. I’ve already talked mad shit. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve really got myself in a crappy situation. My mental health is so bad right now because of that stupid guy at work. The guy who is not worth a second thought. So many other guys in the world… So many. I’m letting one guy seriously ruin my life. If you only knew how far down hill I’ve have gone over this stupid guy.

I know. I know… He isn’t worth is. I KNOW THIS. I cannot help what my brain thinks. I’m seriously obsessed or something and I get this way over every guy that I like. I’m never going to let myself like anyone else. I can guarantee that. It’s not sad either… I’m 100% okay being alone.

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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