10/16/2019 @ 6:57pm

Mood: so very depressed

It’s been 5 days since I’ve had a cigarette. I know nicotine withdrawals are making this depression worse.

I’m still depressed about ***. It’s so hard seeing him everyday. It’s affecting my work. I’m so obsessed… I always tend to get this way over guys. This is why I avoid dating all together. I’m not sure what happened this time. I didn’t even date him. This has happened before but I’ve never had to see the person everyday.

I went all day without eating. I didn’t do anything at work today besides play on my phone. I know that’s bad but I just couldn’t concentrate. I’m falling apart. This is so childish. I swear I don’t think my frontal lobes ever fully developed. I think I have a maturity level of a 20 year old. I should not be letting this guy affect me so much. This guy shouldn’t be affecting me so much. When things like this happens it shows how messed up my brain is. Things are just getting worse. I really think he has something going on with that other girl. That and the fact he doesn’t like me really drives me crazy. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me. I have so much wrong with me. I’m so isolated I think it’s unhealthy. I feel like I really need to socialize and be around people more than I am. I realllllyyy need to start going to church. I never go because I don’t have anything to wear. I have no clothes. I don’t even know how to put stuff together to even look girly. I want to look girly but I don’t even know how to dress. I normally just wear t-shirts and jeans. I don’t want to dress like that anymore… I want to be more feminine. No one is going to like me if I wear baggy t-shirts all the time.

Geez… I’m feeling so bad about myself. Yesterday was worse than today. I skipped kick boxing and working out bc I was so sick to my stomach depressed. I literally feel like I’ve had my heart broke. This is crazy. How can I let a guy I’ve never been with destroy all of the progress I’ve made?

I downloaded two online dating apps but the thought of talking or dating a stranger just scares me. It’s ridiculous. I know other people have the same problems… Do you ever wish you were someone else? Like what happened? How or why did I become the person I am? I think the worse part is being known as the weird anti social one. People can talk around me and my anxiety takes over and I’m stuck in my head not listening to a word that they’re saying. Just sitting there not saying anything and that makes my anxiety worse. Why can’t I be funny or cool? Will I eventually become comfortable with who I am and not care about what others think?

I feel so foolish writing about my life publicly almost everyday. What if someone identifies me?

My depression is so bad right now. All I want to do is sleep. I’m so sick to my stomach. I feel like I’ve went 5 steps back from where I was. I feel like *** was part of the reason for some of my happiness before. Everything has changed since I confessed my feelings. It was such a mistake. This is going to ruin my life. I don’t want to go to work anymore. I just want to run away like I always do.

I pray and pray… He doesn’t answer my prayers. This is horrible.

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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7 Comments

      1. The good thing about doing it publicly is that you can get feedback from other people. And your blog is very anonymous – I can’t imagine how anyone you know would be able to find it and idenitfy it as you.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Sorry, it’s taken me a while to comment back, but I’ve been trying to get my head around this post…not you.. on looking at a way to encourage you, I think blogging about your life is a good way to express feelings and what your going through on a day to day basis…Then when you do look back, you’ll say right that was me…probably a year or so ago? So yeah you should do it publicly.. See a therapist, tbey can help tremendously, and you will see eventually how much progress you have made πŸ™ŒπŸ‘ŠβœŒ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Now that I know that my post are very anonymous it’s makes me feel more comfortable posting publicly. I seem to do better when I do blog vs. Writing in a journal. I sure have came a long way in the last year. Hopefully I keep moving forward.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You got this girl!!πŸ™‹ no matter what some people may think, it’s about you not them. Even though I don’t know you personally, you still exist on this earth and what your going through sometimes will have it’s ups and downs, and I’m here to support… Esp mental health, as I’ve carried that most of my childhood and adulthood it’s not easy, take care πŸ’•

    Liked by 1 person

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