10/14/2019 @ 9:30pm

Mood: I don’t give a **** mood.

First off, I don’t know if I’m manic, hypomanic, in a mixed state or maybe my frontal lobe never fully developed. But right now I’m saying the hell with everything. I’m not going to let one person (***) bring me down anymore. I’ve been tripping over one guy and their are sooo many other ones. That’s crazy….

Well something happened at work today and I kind of threw my phone down and slammed my water bottle down. I didn’t think about the consequences of my actions nor did I care until about 30 minutes ago. Keep in my it’s that time of the month and I haven’t smoked a cigarette in 3 days… But let me tell you what ol’ Mr. D said today.

First off.. If you follow me at all you already know about my day with my superior. How I looked like an idiot with issues.. I can only imagine what he said about me to the other guys… Any.

I’m still new at my job. I still have questions. I had a job today that was kind of complicated and I felt like I really needed some help. So I asked ol’ Mr. D to go on site with me. We pulled everything up on the computer and he told me exactly what to do and I understood him 100%. I just still wanted someone to go with me to put their eyes on it. I’ve really been second guessing myself lately. Anyway. D told me to ask my superior because this job is going to be complicated. So I did.. Everything was cool until I got back to my desk. When I got back to my desk I heard ol’ Mr. D talking to someone else on the team… And he said: you know why I didn’t take her out there right? So I wouldn’t have to explain what I just told her over again. That really made me want to say fuck this and walk out. But I said . I’m right here you know, I can hear you. He said oh I was just talking about needing to get my glasses fixed. I said no I’m talking about the first part. I said I actually understood exactly what you told me. But don’t worry I’ll never ask you for another thing. I went outside to talk to my dad about it. Came back still pissed off and threw my phone down and slammed my water bottle down.

I did not think before I acted. Did not think someone would have heard me and called it out. But they did.

I’m glad that happened. I’m dyslexic sometimes you do have to repeat yourself for me to understand unless you draw a picture. Not always but sometimes. Not for this situation though. Either way it’s pretty messed up. I almost started crying. I did tear up actually.

Then I pretty much said fuck it the rest of the day. I don’t care right now. Obviously everyone feels that way about me. I want to run away now but I cant. I have a terrible work record and I need good references. It really sucks.

I was hungry, craving a cigarette, and PMSing all at the same time. Plus through a little bipolar in the mix. You got yourself a real winner.

I am Going to go to work tomorrow and do my very best to stay positive and not let this affect my work anymore than it already has. Either way I know I will get a warning if I get anything at all. But screw D and everyone else who doesn’t believe in me.

I have 2 legit disabilities. That crap is no fair. I can’t even explain myself. So maybe they would understand why they sometimes have to repeat themselves bc I didn’t understand how they worded something or bc I’m being distracted by my own thoughts and I can’t pay attention. They think I am an idiot… I’m going to try my damndist to make sure to prove myself for me. So that I can feel accomplished.

Have a good night.

No proof reading. Ambien kicked in. Goodnight

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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10 Comments

    1. Me and Mr. D made up today. He was going out of his way to be nice to me today. Trying to stay positive but I’m really going through something right now. Nicotine withdrawal symptoms plus my messed up brain.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I think you handled the work situation pretty well. Taking a break and calling a support person was great. So you showed your upset/anger a bit – I wasn’t there, but it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. I’ve had a lot of work issues, and have found stuff blows over if you can find your positive attitude again. You need a bit of a thick skin – there are assholes out there, and also just people with their own issues they are battling, and can take out on other people. You are also in a male dominated industry, so you will have to stand up for yourself and hang tough. Having an actual friend/ally at work really helps. Everyone is crazy, as a friend told me when I was going through stuff. It’s not they’re all heathy and you alone are a mess – not at all. Self confidence will help you. Hope today goes more smoothly for you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting. Me and Mr. D made up today so everything is better now. I have failed to develop a thick skin. I’m so insecure… everything gets to me bc I’m so sensitive. I asked another guy at work and he told me not to worry about it bc it wasn’t a big deal. They all know I’m on day 4 of no smoking too. So that’s helpful. Thanks again

      Like

  2. I’ve had so many terrible bosses — the worst part is when you can’t talk with them — very very glad you were able to sort it out together. Kudos to you for hanging in there 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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