Today has been a bad day. All I could think about was ***. I’m not really sure why I get this way over guys. This is the very reason I have been single for most of my life. I get attached or obsessed or whatever you want to call it and I start thinking about whoever all the time. He didn’t ignore me today but he was just so happy. More happier than normal and I was ignoring him most of the day. I feel like I am in high school again or something. I just want him to feel the same way about me but I know he doesn’t. Like what is wrong with me? It felt like we had a connection but I guess I was the only one feeling that way. Like I said… we couldn’t be together anyway. I’m not really sure why I would want him to feel the same way about me? So what if he did? We still couldn’t be together… I guess it would just be nice to know that someone liked me and was interested in me. It’s been so long since anyone has been interested in me. I just liked the attention and the idea that ‘this guy’ liked me. It almost gave me hope that I wasn’t weird, that my personality was attractive, that someone was attracted to me. It made me want to date and try to find love. Now I am stuck feeling the same way I did before this so called office romance happened. That’s if you would even call it that. My own office romance I guess because the feelings weren’t mutual. Stuck in my head like always. I don’t think I am worthy of finding love. I don’t think anyone would like me because I cannot conversate that well anymore. I am not funny, I have a terrible sense of humor. I am just boring. It was nice to think someone was interested in me because it made me think all the things I think about myself wasn’t true. Now I am just stuck wondering what is wrong with me. I hade a frown on my face all day… I was so sad. I don’t know if you would call it depressed but I was so sad. I am still sad. I’m not sure what has happened to me in the past 10 years but I am nothing like I use to be… before the pyschosis I had in 2010… I use to be bubbly, I could talk to anyone, a lot of people wanted to be around me…. But now… I don’t even want to be around me sometimes. lol I guess there is no reason to dwell on the past. All I can do is think about the present, realize that I am worthy… that anyone would be lucky to have me because I can love so deeply. I have a huge heart and I would treat someone so good. I need to think about how we could never be together.. so even though it’s hard right now… this will make things easier in the long run. At least I’m not in love with him. I know things will get easier… I am sure of that. I will finally let go like I always do. It makes me want to call one of my ex booty calls from years ago to come give me some attention. I know that will not do anything for me but hurt me even more. And I know some people will read that last sentence and think negatively about me… I don’t really care because we live and learn. I use to think sex was the way to make someone care about you.. It never worked for me because I would get super attached and obsessed… always scaring everyone away. And on top of that I never enjoyed it because I was always stuck in my head and never really relaxed because I always thought that I was being used. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life but I like to think that I am a lot better person now than I was 8 years ago. Although I want to ‘get over’ *** by ‘getting under’ someone else.. I will never do that. It’s been so long I wouldn’t even know what to do anymore. lol Anyway… (please don’t judge me)
The rest of my day was terrible. I went out in the field with a superior today. I was so nervous that I forgot everything that I have learned thus far. I seemed like an idiot. It was terrible. Not to mention I left my pocket book in the car unzipped with my bottle of Ativan showing. Lucky me.. and I had a personal conversation with him about my personal life. I keep thinking about what I said… I cannot believe I talked about the stuff I talked about with him. When I am nervous.. I literally cannot think straight. He brought up the fact that his daughter was 26 and wasn’t married. I said well I am 30 and have never been married. I hope that isn’t a bad thing. Then I said I don’t even see the point in marriage unless you have kids. That is how I really feel. I feel like you can be with someone without getting married. All the people getting divorced now a days makes me not even want to waste the money getting married. Or maybe I feel that way because I don’t think anyone would ever ask me to marry them. I told him I didn’t even date so there would be no chance in getting married. He asked if I went to the new restaurants in my town… because he lives in the same area as me.. and I said no.. and he continued to tell me they were bars and such. I said oh no.. I could never go to one of them. I have a hard time talking to people and I am socially awkward. I also told him about dyslexia… It was such an awkward car ride. All I wanted to do was think about *** but I was forced to try and carry on a conversation. It was so exhausting. It was so awkward when we got back to the office. He just looked at me with this weird look. I couldn’t tell if he thought I was a pure psycho or that I was weird.. or that I had issues.. or maybe he thought bad for me.
I ate somewhat healthy today. I didn’t go work out on my lunch break but my kick boxing class starts at 8pm. I hope to be in a better mood after my class. The doctor put me on metformin to help with weight loss. I need to lose about 10 pounds. I would be happy with 8 pounds actually.
Oh and I haven’t smoked a cigarette all day. That has a lot to do with my mood too I think.
Have a good evening….