10/8/2019 @ 6:45pm

Mood: Sad

Someone told me to track my mood based on what happens in my life. Nothing happened today and I’m still in a gloomy mood. I know that I just hit a bump in the road and that I will be better tomorrow… but I feel like I will never will ‘win the battle with bipolar’. I don’t think I will ever actually happy and stay that way. I know that I am still going to have mood swings but it just sucks it happens so frequently. Nothing has happened in my life to cause me to feel down. I did eat healthy today and I did lift weights on my lunch break. I didn’t do cardio after work because I have a kick boxing class at 8pm. I’m not sure if that has anything to do with my mood. I was in an okay mood today but when I got home I just felt sad. I look around at my life and see nothing that I am proud of. I am not the person I want to be. All I do is sit around and think about things that don’t even matter. I don’t know enough stuff about the world to think about anything interesting. Everything I think about is related to me. I look around and see people who are happy, and I wish I was them. I have nothing going on in my life. My job doesn’t challenge me and I am just bored of it. I don’t get to use my mind to solve problems. That’s what I am… I am a problem solver. I wish I had love in my life or interests that distracted my mind from all the bad stuff. I wish I was genuinely happy about the choices I’ve made in my life instead of having so many regrets. My life has past so fast in the past 10 years and the most I’ve done is graduate college. I really don’t have a meaningful relationship with anyone besides my granny and little cousin. I feel that intimate relationships are very important and when you don’t have them you miss out on a lot of things. For most of my life I have just existed. I’ve never really lived. I want to take a vacation and enjoy myself. I want to swim with dolphins and go sky diving. Lay on a beach with blue water. I want to go horse back riding… It’s going to be a long time before I can do that. ((I make $16/hr because I am under a crappy contract. Other people with the same job and same experience make over $28/hr with paid holidays and vacation….)) I wish I could find a hobby or discover what I am interested in. I am so clueless about life, I don’t know anything… honestly. That’s why I always talk about the things I talk about. I hate reading. It is so hard for me to comprehend what I read. I am interested in fiction, I like learning how things work, and why things are the way they are. I am so behind with my education that it’s very overwhelming to try and find myself. To get on the right path. I wish I liked reading more than I do because reading is how you learn things. I never remember anything I read so it feels like a waste of time. Most of the time… when I find something that I want to learn about I don’t understand the big words so it’s hard to read it and learn anything. I wish I could watch videos. I wish there was a list of all the general topics that I need to learn with videos to teach me everything I need to know. I wish there was a list of topics that I could look at to find things that I might be interested it. I want to learn. I want to study and learn in my free time. That would distract me from all my problems. I just want to be smart and be able to have intellectual conversations. I know that I am just having a bad day. And I realize learning new things take a lot of effort… effort that I just don’t have the energy to give right now. Why does my life have to be so complicated. I am an intelligent person… but I don’t know that much. Knowledge and intelligence is not the same thing. Just because I don’t know much doesn’t mean I am stupid. My IQ is 145. I don’t know… I wish I could be happy… and have things to do to distract my mind.. I have to go now.. kick boxing. <<excellent therapy>>

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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6 Comments

  1. Oh this is so sad!! I can imagine how bad it must feel for you… Listen, just because you see people looking happy and enjoying themselves doesn’t mean that they are happy, they only want you to know the basics….. sweetie, I understand what your saying because I used to think that too….. But easy for me to say, (you are taking small steps at a time,) believe in yourself… Boxing is a good therapy, it may only be that, but your out there….Try not to bring yourself down.. Try learning big words, it maybe difficult but take your time, surely there are classes to take…I understand maybe it might be the embarrassment, but your the one that’s learning… Don’t feel discouraged.. Take care 💜✌😃… Sorry for my long comment but I believe that you can do this….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your mood will always have ups and downs, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t winning your battle with bipolar. It’s about being able to come back to the calm more quickly and for longer periods.

    I look around at my life and see nothing that I am proud of.

    You can be proud of your relationships with your niece and your grandmother. You can be proud of the way you’ve changed your life and dealt with a lot of difficult challenges. A lot of people who have gone through the things you describe going through would be in a much worse place than you are. That’s something you can be proud of.

    Are you dyslexic? I think you did say, but I can’t remember. There might be organisations that can help you.

    Do you live in the USA? I’m not American, but my understanding is that public television (PBS) and public radio (NPR) would be ways to access news and documentaries that are more serious and intellectually-engaging than commercial TV or radio. That could be a way of learning more about the world and potentially having more to bring to the table in conversation. You don’t have to read to learn.

    Have you tried looking for TED talks? Again, a lot of really varied subject matter there. You can find them here https://www.ted.com/talks

    Another possibility to learn reading skills is graphic novels or comics. There are a lot of adult-appropriate graphic novels out there these days (and NOT just superhero ones!).

    I hope some of this helps!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow, thank you for this comment! This was so helpful and it was a real eye opener. I have never heard of public radio or tv. Nor have I ever heard of TED talk. I listened to a public radio station on my way home tonight. Very nice. I plan on listening to the public radio station from now on. I also went to the website you provided and I looked at different topics. The all seem like something I would be interested it. I am going to go to the library on Friday and check out a graphic novel. I’ve never tried reading one of those. I am dyslexic. I use to take special classes that worked on my reading comprehension. I would always test below average on all of my EOGs and I would test really high in math. I really do have a hard time reading and remembering words but if I hear it or see it, I soak up knowledge like a sponge. I do live in USA. I had a doctor’s appointment today and he actually said the exact same things you did in your first paragraph. This comment really helps me. Where have you been my whole life!?!? I really needed to hear the part about what I should be proud of. That really makes me feel better about myself.

      Liked by 1 person

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