I’m not really sure if my good mood is from drinking caffeine or not. But I’ve been in a pretty good mood all day. Besides when I was anxious bc of social anxiety.
We had our cookout at work today. Oh about 40 people I’m not comfortable with yet. This was so hard for me. Everyone was walking around talking to each other and I really didn’t know anyone enough to feel comfortable talking to them. I played on my phone for a little bit until my anxiety got pretty bad because I was sitting alone and scared about what people might think of me. I finally sat down at a table with 2 other girls and introduced myself. I managed to make them both laugh a couple times. Not really sure if they were fake laughing or not but I didn’t really think about it too much. I also said a few sentences and could tell they looked at me like wtf… At least I think so… I know they really didn’t have anything to say. I felt a little awkward but I tried not to let it bother me. I just told myself it was all in my head. When it was time to eat I moved back to my original table with the lady I work with… Needless to say I should have stayed at the other table.
We had a corn hole tournament and I participated. This was so scary because I’ve never played before and so many people were watching. I actually didn’t do that bad considering I’ve never played before. I definitely wasn’t good but I managed to hit the board a few times and make it in the hole a few times too. I felt half way good about it besides the time I made wild throws and completely missed the board all together.
I don’t think today would have been as scary if it wasn’t for *** being there. I felt so pressured… I was scared of making a fool of myself. I could feel him watching me a couple times. I realized that I really need to distant myself from him and get over this crush I have. Especially because I got jealoused today because he was picking with another girl. Another girl who was so cool and funny. Fit right in with all the guys. Talked junk with them and everything. I so wish I could be like her. Anyway… I realized today that he was just a flirt and what I thought we might have had was just in my head. He was very nice to me and went out of his way to talk to me. He watched me a few times but I think that was just him observing how I interacted with people bc he knows all about my social anxiety. I don’t really know… But one thing I do know… This crush and feelings I have for him has to go. I’m not really sure how to stop it though.
Overall I think I did okay today. I stepped out of my comfort zone and managed to interact with people without having a panic attack. Which was Greattt.
Today has been very exhausting though. I am going to relax on the couch and watch TV/chill out the rest of the day.