I want to start by talking about yesterday. Wow yesterday was very interesting. As you might know, I was super depressed the day before yesterday. Yesterday I wasn’t really that depressed. The first part of the day went really well. I got to spend 2 hours of alone time with ***. We actually looked at 3 jobs together. I sure have missed the alone time with him. Anyway… like I said…The first part of the day was great. Then at about 2pm I started feeling super anxious and depression hit me hard. I was doing just fine and then all of a sudden bam. My racing thoughts were so bad that I could barely function. Seriously. I was scared to drive. It’s crazy when I am depressed, anxious, and feeling manic at the same time. I eventually had to take an Ativan and about 2 hours later I felt a lot calmer. My racing thoughts were still there but not as bad..
I woke up today feeling so much better. My thoughts were back to normal and I didn’t have that sick to my stomach feeling this morning.. everything has been pretty good.
I am going to my dad’s later this evening. He is going out of town so I am babysitting his dogs for him.
I think it’s so weird when my mood/mental state shifts so fast and so significantly. I know I’ve always been moody but I use to not notice when my mood changed. Before medication, I would go from happy/goofy to pissed off or depressed multiple times a day. Now.. I normally stay the same most of the time. I’m either doing good or I’m doing bad.. But it usually is the same all day. Besides when I wake up feeling depressed but the feeling goes away. I really understand why bipolar is considered a disability. It’s very crippling…. I cannot wait until I reach the point where I am more stable and know what to do when a roller coaster takes me away out of no where. I obviously need to educate myself more about my illness so feel free to post comments and educate me.
I am still trying to figure out if I am really depressed when I think I am neutral. I have lost interest in things for over a year now. I don’t laugh or smile much. I don’t really feel bad about myself most days.. Occasionally yes, but not most days… I do sometimes wake up dwelling about something bad. And I have that feeling in my stomach almost every morning. I feel like my cognitive skills aren’t up to par either but I think that has more to do with recovering from a psychotic break from last year. My memory is terrible too. I know most people will say you would know if you’re depressed. I don’t know if that’s true. I think it would depend on the magnitude of your depression. There is different levels.
From about 8/1/18 to about 2/1/19 I was severely depressed. Suicidal. Writing goodbye notes and making plans. Waking up sick to my stomach and having that feeling all day. Barely able to make myself get out of bed to go to work. I wouldn’t even shower regularly. Ruminating on what I think was going to happen in my future. Thinking about my granny and my dog dying. About my little cousin being put in foster care. Being homeless. Dying alone. Being single the rest of my life. I was thinking this stuff all day every day. Every day. So obsessed with my thoughts I had a hard time doing anything. I couldn’t focus. Luckily I just worked in the back of a restaurant. I did burn myself all the time though. I finally was able to snap out of that with the right medication and life changes. My point is .. Maybe I’m not as depressed as I use to be but I am still depressed and have grown numb to it. I know there is still something wrong with me and I am trying to figure out if this is just my life now or will things get better.
I am going to write about my last pychosis one day next week. I thought Trump was out to kill me and that Russia was going to drop a nuclear bomb on my house.