9/24/2019 @ 6:18pm

Mood: depressed

I just feel so bad about myself. I feel like I’m fat & ugly. That I’m lazy… That I will never find a man. That no one would want me like I am.

And I’m so tired all the time now. A side effect of Abilify is feeling tired. I felt tired most of the time before he upped my medication.. Now I’m miserably tired. I can drink 3 caffeine drinks throughout the day and still feel so tired. I use to only drink one or two. I feel like weights are strapped to my back… I am exhausted. I know exercising would help but I’ve gotten out of the habit and now it’s hard to make myself go to the gym when I feel so tired. I am my worse enemy. I know exercise is just as important as sleep and medication. Not only am I not exercising, I’m feeling really bad about myself for not exercising.

I was on a carb cycling diet and I lost some weight. Then I changed it up bc I was miserable going 2 days without carbs. It wasn’t a diet I could live by. I changed it up to a protein shake in the morning, a low carb snack, then a moderate carb lunch, fruit for a snack, and no carb super. The scales say I’m still losing weight but my stomach is getting bigger. I think this is bc I haven’t been drinking much water, I haven’t been drinking much of anything to be honest. So this is making me feel so bad about myself too.

Today has been a crappy day. *** did give me attention today and flirt with me but I know that nothing will ever happen between us. He is the first guy I’ve liked and even beem sexually attracted to in a long time. Not giving too much detail but we can never be together. I really like his attention and just being around him. I miss him when I don’t see him at work and over the weekend. We only talk at work. I think he might have some kind of feelings for me but not like I do for him. He is just a natural flirt and he doesn’t even mean to. The only reason I grew to care for him was bc he trained me for a couple of weeks at work and I was with him all day. I couldn’t stop myself from developing feelings for him. He was the first guy to give me attention in so long. It really sucks that we can never be together. I hope I can meet another guy and get to know them like I did ***. There was no pressure of dating, having sex, trying to impress anyone, etc. It was just a friendship that evolved into me having feelings for him. I think he likes me too but he has never told me. I hope and pray that God sends me someone like him one day…

On top of all of this I am starting to get sick. My body aches, my nose is stuffy, my throat is dry and scratchy, and I have pressure in my head. I do not handle being sick well. I act like I have the flu when I have a chest cold. So this is not cool.

I went by the library today and checked out a couple books. I have a 6th grade vocabulary so I found a book in the youth section. I am trying to start small and use it to broaden my vocabulary and improve my reading skills. I really want to be able to read things and understand them better than I do. I have always had a hard time reading. I use to fail the Reading EOG and would make 5s , top scores in NC, in Math. They would take me out of class for special lesson to try and teach me how to comprehend what I read. I have a hard time understanding what I read, conveying my thoughts orally, and I have a hard time understanding someone when they explain stuff to me unless they show me how to do something while they explain. Reading and vocabulary building is on my to do list to better myself. I’ve read a couple different books in the past 4 months but I haven’t read anything in a week and half. I’ve been so exhausted and drained and have a hard time picking out books bc I haven’t been reading long enough to know what Author’s I like or what genre I like. So if you have a must read list please comment.

I’m going to watch some stand up comendy on youtube ( I need a good laugh) watch NCIS at 8 (Zeva is back) and read a little before bed. Not sure what or if I will be cooking super tonight. I feel terrible.

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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3 Comments

  1. I’m sorry you feel so bad. I obviously don’t know what will happen to you, but I don’t think you will never find a man. You seem really caring from the way you write about caring for your grandma and your cousin and I think someone will find that attractive.

    I will think about the sixth grade books and see if I can think of anything you might like. The Chronicles of Narnia books by C. S. Lewis come to mind, if you read fantasy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds like, your in some sort of dilemma, my love….stay positive, you need to heal yourself first, I know it sounds crazy but try and get yourself on the right track…it might take time but you will get there gradually my friend, keep concentrating on you..And everything will slowly come together you’ll see….

    Liked by 1 person

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