9/21/2019

Mood: Neutral

My racing thoughts have improved since my last post. Everything seems to be getting better for me. I do feel tired but that’s a side affect of abilify.

I’m not going to take ativan anymore and I am going to really try to avoid ambien if I can help it. I was able to fall asleep last night without taking it. Hopefully things will continue to get better for me.

I’m not sure what happened but I like to think everything happens for a reason. Maybe I’ve needed my medication upped this whole time. I seem to be a lot more relaxed. I don’t seem as impatient or irritable. Those were two things I was having problems with in addition to starting things and not finishing them.

I’ve been trying to follow the meditarrian diet. My doctor told me it was the best diet to follow for bipolar. I’ve been pretty successful so far… It’s very easy to follow. I need to find different sandwich meat though. Something that’s not processed. Processed meat is bad for you and very bad for your mental health. I know there is natural sandwich meat that is minimally processed. I’m sure that is better than what I am eating now. You never know… I ate processed meat 4 days in a row. That could have messed up my mental state. You really have to pay attention to everything you consume. I’m not sure if it was because of ambien, ativan, processed meat, I drunk 2 sodas, or maybe it was just natural..

A lot of people honestly don’t know how important it is to be careful with what you put in your body.  I’m sure people with mental illnesses are more sensitive to stuff than someone with a healthy brain. But I think it’s important for everyone.  I’m by far a health freak but in order to be mentally healthy you must watch what you put in your body. 

I know some people don’t think it’s that big of a deal but it really is. I’m always analyzing myself. I was lost in my head for over 2 years. All I did was analyze myself so now it’s just a habit. When something with my mental state changes, I always think about what I did differently. What chemicals did I put or take away from my body. Sometimes I don’t do anything different but a lot of times I do.

Some people live with mental illnesses and don’t do anything to better themselves. They are against medication, they are against all medication… They like natural remedies… Sometimes they self medicate with Drugs and alcohol. They have no desire to try and get better because they have lived with it their whole life with no relief. They don’t understand how much better life is on medication. They don’t know what it’s like so they don’t try to do anything to help themselves.

My dad has severe bipolar and doesn’t take any medication. He is very successful but his mental health is a lot worse than he realizes. He does eat a clean diet and exercises obsessively. Those two things really help him but I see first hand that he needs medication. He thinks he has everything under control but he really doesn’t. He gets high from endorphins being released after working out and he works out A LOT so to him he is doing good. But he doesn’t realize how his bipolar affects the people that loves him. He has almost lost me multiple times and he lost the boy he raised for 14 years. The boy he replaced me with 15 years ago. His attitude drove him away. He doesn’t see any of this. He doesn’t do anything wrong. It’s everyone else. He doesn’t think about how he doesn’t have a relationship with either one of his kids. That doesn’t matter to him obviously. I grew up with him cussing me out, slapping me in the face, screaming at me, telling me everything I did wrong and nothing I did right. I do not have a bond with my dad. He doesn’t get it though. I’m not dwelling on that though. It’s been this way my whole life. I don’t give a crap now. It’s too late. I wouldn’t know what I would do without him though. I need him to tell me what I’m doing wrong. I’m so use to it I feel lost when I don’t hear constant negative feedback.

My mom is also severe bipolar. She is a recovering drug addict and an alcoholic. Her bipolar is veryyyyyyyyyyyyy bad. She is kind of crazy. She is paranoid and gets mad about everything. I try to have a relationship with her but it’s very hard. She has never really been apart of my life. It’s so exhausting trying to talk to her. I can’t stand to be yelled at. I can’t talk to her on the phone without her getting irritated and loud with me. Both my parents drive me crazyyy.

Thank God for my granny!

I’m just rambling and I know some people really don’t like reading long posts. I know I don’t because I’m dyslexic and have a hard time reading. My mind wonders too so the combination makes it difficult.

Have a great night.

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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2 Comments

  1. I tried doing an anti-inflammatory diet (which is basically a Mediterranean diet) a couple years ago because my naturopath suggested it. I was really strict with it for a while, but it didn’t seem to be having a big impact on my mood, so now I use it as more of a suggestion than a rule. I’ve pretty much entirely cut out sugary drinks, though, and I stopped putting sugar in my tea.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s good that you have been feeling a bit better. I’m sad that you feel that you need to have constant negative feedback in your life. I feel a bit like that, but I’m trying to fight against it, with CBT and (fortunately) a good friend who calls me out when I’m overly negative. Self-awareness of mistakes and constructive criticism are good, but too much unfocused negativity just makes it impossible to improve, because you end up thinking of yourself as a hopeless case who can never change. It sounds like your father’s criticism is not constructive.

    Liked by 1 person

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