Today was very different from yesterday. I am not going to say it was a good thing either. I avoided taking ambien last night but couldn’t go to sleep so at about midnight I took .5mg of Ativan. I went to sleep finally. Woke up feeling tired and a little loopy/anxious. I know I am not supposed to take Ativan for sleep. I did it anyway because that was what kind of mood I was in yesterday. It’s really hard to always follow all the rules. Even if you know the rules are key to being stable.
I woke up very anxious this morning. Felt a little nervous during the day and was being distracted by my own thoughts. I took another 0.5mg Ativan at around 10am. I normally don’t take Ativan unless I am feeling very anxious like I was this morning. Which doesn’t happen that often. So… after taking the 0.5mg Ativan at like 10am… I felt heavily medicated the rest of the day. I still feel the Ativan I took this morning. I do not like it at all. I have also been pretty irritable. Not crazy like yesterday but I have been moody for sure. Not to mention worrying and second guessing everything I do or say. I hate when I am like this.
I need my sleep tonight so I am going to take another ambien. I can’t risk laying in the bed for hours not going to sleep. If I wake up feeling like I did yesterday then I will just avoid talking to anyone tomorrow.
I like to think I am winning the battle with bi-polar but really it’s a never ending battle. I will always cycle… and any time I add a chemical or take a chemical away from my body it really affects whatever balance I had before I do it. That’s common sense of course but I still seem to screw up. && I think it’s wild how fast food meal can even ruin my balance. It’s really hard to find a good mental state and when I do I always seem to mess it up. You would be amazed how the smallest little things can completely ruin your balance. I don’t think people really even realize it because they don’t analyze themselves like I do. I’ve been doing this for 3 years now… All I can say is that I am picking myself up off the floor and trying again.
I know it may not seem healthy that I have no social life and I always like being at home but at least I am around family and not completely isolated. I feel like there is so much stuff I need to work on. I need to become more aware of my surroundings, watch the news, read more to broaden my vocabulary and improve my communication skills, I need to work out more, find a hobby, find what makes me happy, educate myself about the world so I can have an interesting conversation with someone, develop a good routine that fits my lifestyle.. etc. I need a routine. I need to find what makes me happy and what I am interested in. I need to start going to church-I didn’t go last Sunday. I need to do so much. I need to adventure out and meet people… but It’s hard to go out and meet people and talk to someone when you’ve been living under a rock for the past 30 years. I don’t have anything to talk to anyone about. It’s hard to go out and do stuff when you don’t really have the money to do the things you want. It’s hard to hang out with your bestfriend when she likes to drink and smoke pot. Which are two things that I like a lot and I have got to stay away from. Over analyzing yourself can be a really bad thing or it can be a great thing if you actually work on the things you need to work on. I’m not really sure where I am going with this but it was nice to type all of this… I do feel better.
It’s time for me to go to bed and catch up on some sleep. I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night. If you know anything about bi-polar then you know that is not good at all.
Have a good night. and I am sorry for always talking about me… Maybe one day I will find something more interesting to talk about.
The struggle is real though. I hope to one day overcome all of this and be able to become a leader for people who struggle with this awful disease.