Mood: I don’t really know but I was in crazy girl bi*** mode all day
I am posting this blog just so an outsider can see what goes on in my head sometimes. I seriously cannot help what my brain thinks. I can have a psychological debate with myself all day and my bad side still wins sometimes. Today was one of those days.
So for the past few days everything has been going pretty good. I have been a little irritable and impatient but other than that nothing too crazy. I took ambien last night for the first time in I think 4 or 5 nights. I had a lot on my mind so I had to take it so I could fall asleep. I woke up this morning feeling hung over and I’ve been so sensitive and just crazy all day. I couldn’t get motivated at work and every little thing got to me. I was so emotional. It’s very hard not to let show how crazy you are when you are in a mood like I was today. I don’t know if it was just a coincidence but I really think ambien made me go into crazy mode today. A couple different things happened and it had me angry. Wanting to say f*** everyone I work with and everything. The thing is… nothing should have made me feel that way.
The first thing that happened was: This guy (***) I work with (who I kind of like) didn’t ask me how my dog was doing. (I had to leave work yesterday to take him to the vet) This made me not like him at all today. Not to mention the day before I asked him to do something for me and he didn’t. I’ve done things for him multiple times. It just made me realize that he doesn’t care about me at all. Nothing like I thought I felt about him. It’s probably a good thing anyway because I shouldn’t be having feelings for a co-workers. I jokingly called him lazy today-I know I really shouldn’t have done that but I was def. not myself today. I had no filter! He didn’t like that too much even though he def. was being lazy. I went and whispered to a co-worker (my friend) about him getting upset and he called me out for whispering. She was like yeah that right **** (talking to him). Totally felt like she was on his side. And that pissed me off too. I went to talk to him and he just had an attitude and told me not to mess with his pen. That pissed me off really bad. I know this is some crazy stuff but I’ve been crazy all day.
Another thing that happened was: Well another co-worker was asking where *** was. He was sitting in his truck apparently. I said he can’t be in here because I don’t hear him. I was just picking about this. This guy (***) is always joking with me so I thought it was harmless to say because I’ve always pointed out how loud he is to his face. Everyone has. Well the co-worker that I was talking to made a face. I read that face all kinds of ways. I was thinking oh he is taking this as I am talking crap about ***. So by the end of the day I went up to him and said.. I hope you know what I was saying about *** this morning was a joke. I would say that kind of stuff to his face. He said yeah.. where is this coming from.. I said because this morning you gave me a face after I said what I said.. Come on ya’ll.. Total crazy b**** mode today. Then this same co-worker was asking me about a job because I said I didn’t have anything to do. I said I already went by that job and nothing needed to be done. Then I asked him how he knew about the job. He said something then I was like what.. do you not think I am doing my jobs? This guy was out to get me today it felt like it. BUT he really didn’t do anything wrong. I was just being crazyyyyyyyyyyyy.
So by the end of the day I was thinking in my head. F*** this… I am going to put my head phones on a pretend like no one else exists. I am not going to talk to anyone anymore unless it’s about work. I am not going to acknowledge *** anymore. And so on and so on…
I know half of me is crazy but my crazy hasn’t flared up this bad in a long time. I was all emotional and sensitive all day.
Please don’t respond to this post with “You’re not crazy”.. because I am bi-polar… I def. have a crazy side and it sure was showing out today. My good side had no control over my bad side today.
I am looking back at my whole day and it makes me very anxious. I’ve been crazy all day and I wonder who noticed? Did anyone notice me today? I feel like I was talking super fast and I was restless. This is the bad part when trying to work in a professional environment with a mental illness. Things like this shouldn’t happen in a professional environment or any work environment really. I am so thankful that I am able to look back and realize what exactly I did wrong today. To be able to look back and know that you were acting crazy is a blessing. Some people really don’t realize when they are acting crazy. I am going to just learn from today.. try to go to sleep without sleeping medication and hope for a better day tomorrow.
So with that being said… Please pray for me tonight. I hope to wake up in a better state of mind tomorrow.