9/12/2019 @ 7:50pm

The past few days have been a little rough. I’ve been nervous and just very irritable. I know they say you shouldn’t let your irritability affect anyone around you… but that’s a little hard. I have been mean as a snake for the past few days. I am always at my grandmother’s house because I help out around the house, help my little cousin with school, and I just like spending my free time with my little cousin and grandmother. Here lately it’s been stressing me out though. I know it’s just my mood because I normally handle things better than I am right now. I get so tired of cleaning up behind three adults and a 12 year old. I clean the house one day and it’s a disorganized mess the next day. My uncle and his 22 year old son, and 12 year old daughter lives with my grandmother. I know my granny isn’t able to clean the house anymore but it sucks that I am responsible for cleaning up everyone’s mess. I do this because my granny means the world to me and I don’t want her to live in a nasty house. When her house is messy I cannot relax and enjoy myself. It makes me feel like my world is in pure chaos. I don’t feel like cleaning up an endless mess everyday though. I’m gone from 6am-7:30pm Monday-Thursday. I just want to come home and cook and relax. Tonight I came to my house early because I can’t handle what I normally do. I feel like screaming today. I just want to be left alone and to relax in my well put together house all alone.

I’ve been so stressed out and worried about so much stuff. I have a lot that I am responsible for and sometimes it’s hard to remember everything. I started writing ‘to do’ lists today. I was able to do most of what was on my list. The rest was left undone only because I didn’t feel like cleaning on my granny’s house. I will give it a good cleaning tomorrow night or Saturday morning. I wish I could just pay someone to do it. Trying to take care of your own mental health and being responsible for so much is not a good combination.

I will not give up though. I will win this battle even if it feels hopeless some days. This week I have pretty much fell on my face but I am attempting to get back on my feet like I always do.

I started exercising again. I can feel a complete difference but it will take consistency to feel the full affect of the best drug in the world. I also need to regulate my diet more than I have been lately. I like to follow the Mediterranean diet. I’m trying to lose about 10 pounds so I cannot follow it to a T but I can make small consistent changes that will improve my overall mental health. Diet, exercise, and medication is what works for me. But sometimes it’s a little hard to do everything you are suppose to do when you have so much other stuff you have to do too. Not to mention feeling tired all the time because of your medication.

I am going to take time for me this weekend. I am going to try and solve all the unresolved problems I have right now and to try to come up with a better routine to follow. I know I need to do something different because what I am doing right now isn’t really working for me. That’s what it’s about though… recognizing what doesn’t work and making changes until you find something that does work…

I know most people spend time with friends and do things to enjoy their life over the weekend or in their spare time. Not me though… I work. I work on myself, I help out my granny and little cousin, I take care of dogs, I do my chores.. and then my weekend is over. I know my life would be better if I had love and fun in it but for now I will have to make what I have work. Everything will work out though… I have no doubt that God will bless me with the man of my dreams when the time is right. And I know one day I will learn how to enjoy my life more than I do right now. Then everything else will fall into place… but right now. My granny and little cousin needs me.

I know I am all over the place right now.. but I have so much to say because it’s been so long since I wrote in my online journal. I didn’t even want to write because who cares about my life. But hey maybe one day I will be doing fantastic and I can look back at these and be like dang look where I started and look where I am at now.

Published by lostinmyhead07

I'm an Engineer who has a severe case of bipolar 1. I'm just trying to stay in control and win this battle with bi polar.

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