Everything I was worrying about at 3am has melted away. Another Sunday has passed that I didn’t go to church. Another Sunday has passed that I still wake up wanting to be closer to God but failing to make the first step.
I am trying to stop worrying about things I can’t change and focusing on doing the best I can do. Life is too short to be stuck in your head worrying about the future. In all reality things always work out so it’s pointless to worry about what ifs.
I know I am going through a depression cycle so I tell myself that it will past. I’ve been doing stuff that has caused it. I smoked pot 3 different times in the past 2 weeks and it has significantly disrupt the balance I had. I’ve also not been exercising like I should be. I am still doing the healthy diet thing and still losing weight but I know I am hurting myself by now exercising. I do not know why I smoked pot. It doesn’t work for me. Some people use it as medication but for me it does more bad than good. I get more paranoid than normal, have racing thoughts, and pace around like I don’t know what I am doing. I’m not really sure why I do something that I don’t even enjoy. It only will make my bipolar worse so why would I do it… It’s crazy how any chemical you put in your body affects your chemical balance in your brain. I don’t even think doctors understand just how much it does.
I know I need medication, I will have a pychotic break if I quit taking it… But I really hate having to take medication. I take 7 pills every night. 4 are vitamins and 1 is a sleeping pill but still. If I ever win the lottery I am going to fund an organization to find a cure for all mental illness. I know one is out there. I just know it.
I have hope.