I have a B.S. in Mechanical Engineering and I have a severe case of bipolar 1 and have been fighting for 9 years now. I know that I will eventually win the battle… I am writing this blog in attempt to reach someone else like me and inspire them to never give up. I know that their is a lot of successful people with bipolar disorder Who have it under control… But there is also a lot that does not. These posts are a way for me to describe the life of someone who lives with bipolar, to document my progress, to bring awareness, to let someone know that they are no alone, and just something I do for therapy.
My parents divorced when I was 2 years old and I moved in with my grandparents. My grandparents raised me until my dad re-married when I was 10. It was very traumatic for me when I had to move in with my dad and leave my grandparents. My dad and mom both have a severe case of bi-polar and neither one of them is on medication… this caused a really rough childhood emotionally. I was neglected by my step mom, verbally & mentally abused by my dad, and was taken away from both of my moms. Everyone has their own story… Mine just isn’t as bad as some people’s. I later moved with my aunt when I was 15 because I lost my virginity and my dad flipped out. I went to bed home sick every night when I lived with my dad so I finally felt at home when I moved in with my aunt because she lived right beside my granny.
I was a little wild in high school. Experimenting with drugs and alcohol, skipping school, smoking cigarettes, and doing just about anything you weren’t supposed to do. That all changed when I went to college. I turned 180 degrees and turned into a completely different person. I stopped drinking and experimenting with drugs.
I had my first psychosis in 2010. I was prescribed Cymbalta and it caused me to go manic and that resulted in a psychotic break. I’ve had two since 2010 because I quit taking my medication on two different occasions. My last psychosis was in 2018. Once I came back to reality I sunk into a deep depression for 8 months straight. I’ve never experienced anything like that before. I feel so bad for the people who live with that type of depression every day. I was suicidal at one point during those 8 months and was admitted back into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I’m doing a lot better now. I have a great job and I am finally really serious about my mental health. Diet, exercise, and medication is key.
Bipolar has stolen a lot from me but mainly because I let it. It has stolen intimate relationships, love, and happiness. It has caused me to make some really big mistakes in my life but I try not to let my past hold me back. I want to be the best person I can be. I might fall down sometimes but I get back on my feet stronger than I was before.
I call myself JI Jane because I like to think of myself as a bipolar warrior because I refuse to lose this battle against bi-polar. Although I know this battle will continue for the rest of my life… I try very hard to do my part so I can have some kind of control. I can never control the cycles but I can control what I do when I am depressed or manic and what I do to minimize the frequency of my cycles.
I have a lot of areas that I need to work on but Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m just taking it day by day.
This online journal is a way I can track my progress and it is a way to give someone insight on what it’s like to live with bi-polar disorder. I am actually doing very well at the moment. I found the right medication… it only took 9 years but I found it. I was going crazy for about 3 years when I was on the wrong medication. I discontinued that about 6 weeks ago.